How far do I go?

I'm now completely, utterly confused. I finally decide to not do clomid b/c I am too scared of side effects and I don't want to be monitored, too much stess that I don't need. I went to a chiropractor for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago for some hip and back pain that I have had for years. The chiro is a good friend of T's and knows about all the m/c's. His wife had 3 m/c's also between their 2nd and 3rd child, also unexplained. The chiro gave me a gift certificate for a free one hour massage with the massage therapist at his clinic last october after the 2nd m/c. Since it had been so long, I decided recently to use it before it expired.

The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.

At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).

In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.