I went to my first baby shower yesterday since the 2nd miscarriage. It was hard, but at the same time it made me realize I was starting to heal. I got a little sad seeing her open her gifts, knowing that my own baby shower would have been being planned right now and probably coming up in the next month or two. But at the same time, the friend who was having the shower has been a HUGE support to me during the m/c, probably more than she ever realized. I am happy for her and my happiness for her far outweighed my own sadness yesterday so I am hoping this means I am starting to get over the horribly selfish phase I have been in lately regarding the m/c. I'm sure the selfish phase will rear it's ugly head again soon but I am glad it wasn't around yesterday, nice to know it is not a permanent condition.
I've seen the following poem posted many times in regards to miscarraige and it really sums up how I've been feeling lately. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am not a poetry kind of gal, but when I read this one, it just clicked with me. It sums up my life perfectly and what life has taught me. Yes, my situation sucks and it's been hard to deal with, but on the other hand, it has shown me that I am not a weak person. After going through 2 m/c's, I know I am a stronger and maybe even a better person because of them.
My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I'm feeling like a Negative Nancy
I'm so irritated at the moment. I will most likely ovulate in 7 days and where will I be? On the road coming back from an out of town job. I leave tomorrow and will come back on Saturday, hopefully Friday, but I'm not even getting my hopes up. I'm already convinced that cycle #3 of trying to get pregnant since the miscarraige will be a bust due to the out of town travel. I just absolutely hate this, I'm not even getting a fair chance at it this month due to my stupid job. Grrrrrrr........ Oh yes, and I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving to return to this stupid out of job in a few weeks to finish up and with my luck it will be in the prime time of cycle #4.
I feel so stupid, since I always got pregnant accidentally in the past, I thought for sure that trying to get pregnant would be so easy. I've been charting and using OPK"s but no success. Don't get me wrong, I realize that 2 months is not a long time, I just wrongfully assumed that it would happen the first time and I'm just now realizing I need to accept the fact that this could take a few months. My RE has given me until April to get pregnant on my own, if I'm not pregnant by April, I am being put on clomid. I'm now telling myself that from now until April is just practice for clomid. And then my mind starts thinking ahead and I remember that T is out of town for most of May so probably no point on being on clomid in May since I don't think I want to take it for recreational purposes. Of course, if it turns out clomid gives me a high, I might just take it for fun after all in May. This was so much easier when I accidentally got pregnant, I much prefer that method.
Can you tell I am being negative today? I still have 3 months until April and I am already convinced it won't happen on my own, geez, I have a horrible attitude today.
I feel so stupid, since I always got pregnant accidentally in the past, I thought for sure that trying to get pregnant would be so easy. I've been charting and using OPK"s but no success. Don't get me wrong, I realize that 2 months is not a long time, I just wrongfully assumed that it would happen the first time and I'm just now realizing I need to accept the fact that this could take a few months. My RE has given me until April to get pregnant on my own, if I'm not pregnant by April, I am being put on clomid. I'm now telling myself that from now until April is just practice for clomid. And then my mind starts thinking ahead and I remember that T is out of town for most of May so probably no point on being on clomid in May since I don't think I want to take it for recreational purposes. Of course, if it turns out clomid gives me a high, I might just take it for fun after all in May. This was so much easier when I accidentally got pregnant, I much prefer that method.
Can you tell I am being negative today? I still have 3 months until April and I am already convinced it won't happen on my own, geez, I have a horrible attitude today.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
My Day in Numbers
1 - # of times my 69 year old client showed me that he could actually kick the top of a door frame. Seriously. I am in awe and now feel very inflexible.
1 - # of stories heard that involve injecting gecko lizards with alcohol and catching them on fire.
2 - # of co-workers who called me Sweetie
4 - # of times I cursed T for not being born wealthy or having a trust fund. If I didn't have to work, I could be a LWL (Lady Who Lunches), which sounds much better than being a CPA.
30 - # of minutes above mentioned client told me about his days of playing football with Bobby Robinson. Now I have no idea who Bobby Robinson is but I am assuming he is quite the football legend at some high school in southern Mississippi from the way my client was recapping the state championship football game of 1961. If anyone could please tell me who Bobby Robinson is, I would greatly appreciate it.
52 - # of times I daydreamed about quitting my stupid job.
233 - # of Kia invoices reviewed for dealer cost for a stupid tax computation.
4,582 - # of times I have cursed defective body.
As you can tell not much going on except for working and hating my defective body. The only good thing about torturous job is that it has been a distraction from hating defective body. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time as I usually do silently cursing it and I guess I should be thankful for that. However, did notice an additional 2 lbs have come from out of nowhere, this brings the post miscarraige weight gain to 8 lbs - GRRRRRRRR. If any of my blog readers has recently lost 2 lbs, you can take them back now, I am done with them. Thanks for the offer.
1 - # of stories heard that involve injecting gecko lizards with alcohol and catching them on fire.
2 - # of co-workers who called me Sweetie
4 - # of times I cursed T for not being born wealthy or having a trust fund. If I didn't have to work, I could be a LWL (Lady Who Lunches), which sounds much better than being a CPA.
30 - # of minutes above mentioned client told me about his days of playing football with Bobby Robinson. Now I have no idea who Bobby Robinson is but I am assuming he is quite the football legend at some high school in southern Mississippi from the way my client was recapping the state championship football game of 1961. If anyone could please tell me who Bobby Robinson is, I would greatly appreciate it.
52 - # of times I daydreamed about quitting my stupid job.
233 - # of Kia invoices reviewed for dealer cost for a stupid tax computation.
4,582 - # of times I have cursed defective body.
As you can tell not much going on except for working and hating my defective body. The only good thing about torturous job is that it has been a distraction from hating defective body. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time as I usually do silently cursing it and I guess I should be thankful for that. However, did notice an additional 2 lbs have come from out of nowhere, this brings the post miscarraige weight gain to 8 lbs - GRRRRRRRR. If any of my blog readers has recently lost 2 lbs, you can take them back now, I am done with them. Thanks for the offer.
Monday, January 21, 2008
As promised.....things that are pissing me off
I always promised my friends if I started a blog, it would only contain a list of things pissing me off so here it is, of course, I still haven't currently shared this blog with anyone I know in real life but I'm sure one day I will and they will be looking for this list:
1. Stupid people - self explanatory
2. Waking up to stupid headlines such as "Caffeine habit may increase risk of miscarriage" - that 's just freakin' great. Now I can expect to get such comments from friends and family like "maybe you drank too much caffeine while you were pregnant and that's what caused the miscarriages, next time don't drink so much. Cannot believe it, that should be posted under things that make me go GRRRRRRR.
3. Leggings - I don't get this new trend. I wore them in the 80's and when I see old pictures of myself in them, I wonder why my mother was so cruel and let me wear them. Of course, she also let me wear the oh-so-fashionable combination of red sweat pants with a rabbit fur coat to my friends 8th birthday party so I now seriously question myself as to why I ever let her dress me. They are not cute, really, or at least they weren't cute on my 8 year old self.
4. My mean spiteful body - I still haven't forgiven you for completing farking with me lately. War has been declared, I will one day win. The stupid spotting from 2DPO till the end of my cycle will NOT happen this next cycle, I've been put on the good hormones, consider yourself warned. Current Score: Body - 1, JAMS - 0
5. Alarm clocks - I think mine broke this morning, while I loved sleeping in, it also forced me to stay at work later.
6. Work - it's tax season and my job really sucks.
7. Coworkers that don't speak English - once again, self-explanatory.
On a positive note, things that made me giggle today:
1. I just noticed the new tampons I bought have inspirations sayings on the packaging. One earlier today said "Get in the Game", seriously. It also "Develop a Bold Attitude", I'm now going to look to my tampons for inspiration and cheerleading. I accidentally bought the Playtex Sport, had no idea it came with phrases, what an odd thing to include on a tampon. On another note, I feel very athletic while wearing said tampon, I didn't trip or fall all day, which for me, is miraculous.
2. While looking for toilet paper earlier at Target, I finally found the toilet paper under the aisle that said cleaning products. I don't know why I found this funny, I just did.
3. Open-toed thong sandals........with pantyhose.......in the middle of winter - self explanatory
1. Stupid people - self explanatory
2. Waking up to stupid headlines such as "Caffeine habit may increase risk of miscarriage" - that 's just freakin' great. Now I can expect to get such comments from friends and family like "maybe you drank too much caffeine while you were pregnant and that's what caused the miscarriages, next time don't drink so much. Cannot believe it, that should be posted under things that make me go GRRRRRRR.
3. Leggings - I don't get this new trend. I wore them in the 80's and when I see old pictures of myself in them, I wonder why my mother was so cruel and let me wear them. Of course, she also let me wear the oh-so-fashionable combination of red sweat pants with a rabbit fur coat to my friends 8th birthday party so I now seriously question myself as to why I ever let her dress me. They are not cute, really, or at least they weren't cute on my 8 year old self.
4. My mean spiteful body - I still haven't forgiven you for completing farking with me lately. War has been declared, I will one day win. The stupid spotting from 2DPO till the end of my cycle will NOT happen this next cycle, I've been put on the good hormones, consider yourself warned. Current Score: Body - 1, JAMS - 0
5. Alarm clocks - I think mine broke this morning, while I loved sleeping in, it also forced me to stay at work later.
6. Work - it's tax season and my job really sucks.
7. Coworkers that don't speak English - once again, self-explanatory.
On a positive note, things that made me giggle today:
1. I just noticed the new tampons I bought have inspirations sayings on the packaging. One earlier today said "Get in the Game", seriously. It also "Develop a Bold Attitude", I'm now going to look to my tampons for inspiration and cheerleading. I accidentally bought the Playtex Sport, had no idea it came with phrases, what an odd thing to include on a tampon. On another note, I feel very athletic while wearing said tampon, I didn't trip or fall all day, which for me, is miraculous.
2. While looking for toilet paper earlier at Target, I finally found the toilet paper under the aisle that said cleaning products. I don't know why I found this funny, I just did.
3. Open-toed thong sandals........with pantyhose.......in the middle of winter - self explanatory
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Membership to an exclusive club that I never wanted to join
I am planning on writing down all of the details of my 2nd pregnancy today. I feel the need to write this down because there is alot I have forgotten about the 1st. I guess maybe I should take it as a good sign that I don't remember the exact date of my 1st D&C, I could look it up, I remember it was on a Wednesday and I threw my friend a wedding shower that Saturday night. I still have the invitation saved on my computer so I could go look it up but I just can't bring myself to do it. I already have so many sad dates running through my head that I don't want to have another to add to the list. I already remember I found out I was pregnant on February 14, 2004 with an expected due date of September 22, just one day after my mother's birthday. That would have been a great birthday present to give her but unfortunately God had other plans for that gift. I think I shut myself off a little bit after that 1st miscarriage, the pain was too much to deal with so I didn't talk about it very often, I just dived head first into life and didn't dwell on it. I thought it was just a fluke thing that happened. The pregnancy gods say that 1 in 5 end in miscarriage. I grew up on the same street as 4 other girls, all the same age, we were friends throughout childhood. Out of the 5, I am the one that had the miscarriage, I figured I took one for the team and that next time everything would be okay because nobody miscarries twice right?
So wrong!!! It is August 31st, 2007, and I go to my annual check up. I had decided to change doctor's because I had decided my old doctor wasn't listening properly to my compliants regarding my screwy cycle. Her advice was always to go back on the Pill, which I explained earlier is an enemy of mine. I wanted her to investigate the problems, not mask them with the Pill so I switched doctors. One of my best friends had recently been diagnosed with cancer at age 28, this news shook me to my core and after many discussions with T, we (okay, me) had decided we might start trying to have a baby in the next year because my friends diagnosis made me realize how life can change in an instant and maybe I shouldn't keep putting off having a baby, afterall my 30th birthday is fast approaching and I always thought I would have kids before 30. So I switch doctors. The first visit to my new ob/gyn, the nurse is reading my chart and asks me if i realize my period is late. I say I know it is a couple of days late but my cycle has been really odd lately so I am not surprised. Well, apparently this triggered them to run a pregnancy test on me. As I am complaining to my new doc about my erratic periods, the nurse comes running in to tell me that i am pregnant. I seriously thought I might fall off the exam table at that news. Once again, I feel like the idiot who doesn't know she is pregnant. The first word out of my mouth is "Oh, crap!". That's right, those are the oh-so-excited words that came to my mind when I heard the news. For anyone who has never had a miscarriage, you might think how awful of me to say that, but to those who have been unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage understand. The fear that I had when I heard the word pregnant more than outweighed the excitement. Since I now had a history of miscarriage on my record, that means I was now going to be closely monitored until a viability ultrasound could be performed. This means constant bloodwork. My progesterone was great and my HCG was doubling just like it should. I still had few symptoms but my hormones were doing what they were supposed to. But the prior miscarriage has robbed me of all joy of this early pregnancy, I life in a constant state of terror, constantly checking for bleeding and worrying about symptoms. I am no longer naive and innocent when it comes to pregnancy, i am completely jaded because I have had the worst fears confirmed by going in to a u/s and hearing that my baby has died. I am constantly thinking of the 1st miscarriage and am so scared of it happening again. The few people that know I am pregnant keep telling me to relax, that everything is going to be okay, so I pretend that I think everything is okay while inside I am a basket case.
T. tells everyone he knows that we are going to be parents on May 5th, same day as one of my nieces birthday. I have told very few people, I don't even tell my family because a part of me still doesn't believe it will happen and I don't want to have make the phone call I did last time. Our viability ultrasound is scheduled for 7 weeks. We go to the ultrasound, I am cautiously expecting good news because I have read the stats. The stats say you only have a 5 - 10% chance of having 2 miscarriages in a row. I feel confident I am not that unlucky but I want that u/s as reassurance that everything is okay. As soon as the u/s tech finds the baby, I ask if there is a heartbeat and she replies yes. At this, I let out a huge sigh of a relief and start to get excited. she says the heartbeat is 88 which is low so now I have to go back and meet with the doctor. I have no idea what low heartbeat means, I am confused but feel so much better that there is heartbeat since we didn't get this far last time. Of course, my doctor is in surgery so we meet with a nurse, the nurse says hopefully it is just that the heart has just started beating so that is why it is low and we need to come back next week to have another u/s to make sure the heartbeat increases. This should have been warning siren but I believe the nurse and decide to not worry about the low heartbeat so we leave and immediately go tell my family. They are all ecstatic.
Since I am a google addict, I go home and google heartbeat of 88 at 7 weeks and that's when my world starts to crumble. 80% miscarriage rate. Oh holy hell, it's going to happen again. The doctor personally calls me the next morning and asks if I have any questions about the ultrasound, I ask her about the increased miscarriage rate and she confirms there is an increased risk and tells me to stay off google because it will just scare me. I know I should follow her advice but I can't, I keep looking for hope with a low heartbeat and I don't find it. We go back the next week, I am bracing for the worst, but hoping for the best, the baby has apparently stopped developing at 6 weeks and the heartbeat is now 77. We are told the baby will die, there is no hope. I am crushed, we have to go back and sit in the waiting room to talk to the doctor to discuss options. It is at this moment that I become hyper-aware of all of the pregnant people in the waiting room. Tons of them and there is a lot of happy looking couples in there that have also just received the new pregnancy packet that we received last week. I want to crawl into a hole and die so I don't have to sit here and be surrounded by pregnant people. T trys to console me by telling me everyone is wrong and our baby just has a low heartbeat b/c it is obviously an athlete. Bless his heart, he was trying but seriously, anyone who has met me or my family knows the chances of me giving birth to the next super athlete are slim.
The hospital where my ob/gyn is located is catholic, so we are informed that we cannot do anything about the pregnancy until I start to miscarry on my own or the heartbeat stops. Great, more waiting. We go back a week later, the heartbeat has gone back up to 88, yet the baby has still not grown since 6 weeks. I am now pissed, the anger is more than the pain at this point. That night, I am driving home after having dinner with my parents when I am hit with pain I have never experienced before. I feel like my abdomen is being ripped in 2. Tears come to my eyes and I seriously consider pulling over and calling T to come pick me up. The horrendous pain begins to subside so I call T crying, I am almost home so I continue driving and the pain just stops. I have no bleeding so I don't call the doctor, we are supposed to go back next week for yet another ultrasound to see if the heartbeat is gone so we can schedule the D&C. The next night, i am out with some friends when the bleeding begins. At this stage of the game, I am absolutely relieved that this ordeal will have some closure soon, I am thankful to see the bleeding, unfortunately the pain comes back as well. The horrible cramping begins again but goes away, nothing as severe as the night before. I go back into the doctor the next day and the heartbeat has finally stopped. I am so thankful to schedule the D&C and to have this traumatic pregnancy finally come to an end. 3 weeks of being in limbo was too much and I am now officially traumatized by anything involving pregnancy.
I have now had 2 miscarriages and for a while I considered myself a freak. Friends and family after a miscarriage are an odd thing. You find support from people you never expect, while those that you think you can rely on fail you. You learn to be careful about who you talk about miscarriage to b/c people unintentionally say very hurtful things. You realize they have good intentions and are really trying to be helpful, but in fact it just hurts. If I hear one more time "At least you know you can get pregnant" I will absolutely scream. It is not comforting to know I can get pregnant since I cannot stay pregnant. The only people I can handle hearing that sentence from is people I know that are struggling to get pregnant, I realize from their perspective, just getting pregnant would be a miracle. Or another personal favorite is when people ask if I miscarried because I didn't take my PNV's like i should. Wow, thanks for making me feel like I caused the miscarriage, that was extremely helpful. I begin searching for other freaks like me and I find them on the internet of all places. I stumble upon a message board that is full of other girls that have had miscarriages, most have only had one but there are numerous girls that have had multiple miscarriages and they are trying again. I am inspired. I have never been someone that talks on message boards but I begin lurking and reading these posts make me realize I am not a freak and that my thoughts and feelings after this traumatic event are normal. I am so thankful to realize I am not alone. These girls have inspired me to start this blog after reading theirs. Their posts have helped me so much that I hope one day this blog can help others going through this process too. Everyday gets easier, and I know now that I will get through this and soon there will be days where I don't sit here and think, I should have a 3 1/2 year old and be 25 weeks pregnant. I just have to give it time and heal on my own time table. Before I was trying to make myself feel bad for not being over it, but now I realize it's okay that I am not over it. This pain will take months to heal and it is normal. I just need to realize that I will have good days and bad days and that as long as the good days continue to outweigh the bad, then I am doing okay.
Wow, if I had realized blogging was free therapy I would have done this months ago.
So wrong!!! It is August 31st, 2007, and I go to my annual check up. I had decided to change doctor's because I had decided my old doctor wasn't listening properly to my compliants regarding my screwy cycle. Her advice was always to go back on the Pill, which I explained earlier is an enemy of mine. I wanted her to investigate the problems, not mask them with the Pill so I switched doctors. One of my best friends had recently been diagnosed with cancer at age 28, this news shook me to my core and after many discussions with T, we (okay, me) had decided we might start trying to have a baby in the next year because my friends diagnosis made me realize how life can change in an instant and maybe I shouldn't keep putting off having a baby, afterall my 30th birthday is fast approaching and I always thought I would have kids before 30. So I switch doctors. The first visit to my new ob/gyn, the nurse is reading my chart and asks me if i realize my period is late. I say I know it is a couple of days late but my cycle has been really odd lately so I am not surprised. Well, apparently this triggered them to run a pregnancy test on me. As I am complaining to my new doc about my erratic periods, the nurse comes running in to tell me that i am pregnant. I seriously thought I might fall off the exam table at that news. Once again, I feel like the idiot who doesn't know she is pregnant. The first word out of my mouth is "Oh, crap!". That's right, those are the oh-so-excited words that came to my mind when I heard the news. For anyone who has never had a miscarriage, you might think how awful of me to say that, but to those who have been unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage understand. The fear that I had when I heard the word pregnant more than outweighed the excitement. Since I now had a history of miscarriage on my record, that means I was now going to be closely monitored until a viability ultrasound could be performed. This means constant bloodwork. My progesterone was great and my HCG was doubling just like it should. I still had few symptoms but my hormones were doing what they were supposed to. But the prior miscarriage has robbed me of all joy of this early pregnancy, I life in a constant state of terror, constantly checking for bleeding and worrying about symptoms. I am no longer naive and innocent when it comes to pregnancy, i am completely jaded because I have had the worst fears confirmed by going in to a u/s and hearing that my baby has died. I am constantly thinking of the 1st miscarriage and am so scared of it happening again. The few people that know I am pregnant keep telling me to relax, that everything is going to be okay, so I pretend that I think everything is okay while inside I am a basket case.
T. tells everyone he knows that we are going to be parents on May 5th, same day as one of my nieces birthday. I have told very few people, I don't even tell my family because a part of me still doesn't believe it will happen and I don't want to have make the phone call I did last time. Our viability ultrasound is scheduled for 7 weeks. We go to the ultrasound, I am cautiously expecting good news because I have read the stats. The stats say you only have a 5 - 10% chance of having 2 miscarriages in a row. I feel confident I am not that unlucky but I want that u/s as reassurance that everything is okay. As soon as the u/s tech finds the baby, I ask if there is a heartbeat and she replies yes. At this, I let out a huge sigh of a relief and start to get excited. she says the heartbeat is 88 which is low so now I have to go back and meet with the doctor. I have no idea what low heartbeat means, I am confused but feel so much better that there is heartbeat since we didn't get this far last time. Of course, my doctor is in surgery so we meet with a nurse, the nurse says hopefully it is just that the heart has just started beating so that is why it is low and we need to come back next week to have another u/s to make sure the heartbeat increases. This should have been warning siren but I believe the nurse and decide to not worry about the low heartbeat so we leave and immediately go tell my family. They are all ecstatic.
Since I am a google addict, I go home and google heartbeat of 88 at 7 weeks and that's when my world starts to crumble. 80% miscarriage rate. Oh holy hell, it's going to happen again. The doctor personally calls me the next morning and asks if I have any questions about the ultrasound, I ask her about the increased miscarriage rate and she confirms there is an increased risk and tells me to stay off google because it will just scare me. I know I should follow her advice but I can't, I keep looking for hope with a low heartbeat and I don't find it. We go back the next week, I am bracing for the worst, but hoping for the best, the baby has apparently stopped developing at 6 weeks and the heartbeat is now 77. We are told the baby will die, there is no hope. I am crushed, we have to go back and sit in the waiting room to talk to the doctor to discuss options. It is at this moment that I become hyper-aware of all of the pregnant people in the waiting room. Tons of them and there is a lot of happy looking couples in there that have also just received the new pregnancy packet that we received last week. I want to crawl into a hole and die so I don't have to sit here and be surrounded by pregnant people. T trys to console me by telling me everyone is wrong and our baby just has a low heartbeat b/c it is obviously an athlete. Bless his heart, he was trying but seriously, anyone who has met me or my family knows the chances of me giving birth to the next super athlete are slim.
The hospital where my ob/gyn is located is catholic, so we are informed that we cannot do anything about the pregnancy until I start to miscarry on my own or the heartbeat stops. Great, more waiting. We go back a week later, the heartbeat has gone back up to 88, yet the baby has still not grown since 6 weeks. I am now pissed, the anger is more than the pain at this point. That night, I am driving home after having dinner with my parents when I am hit with pain I have never experienced before. I feel like my abdomen is being ripped in 2. Tears come to my eyes and I seriously consider pulling over and calling T to come pick me up. The horrendous pain begins to subside so I call T crying, I am almost home so I continue driving and the pain just stops. I have no bleeding so I don't call the doctor, we are supposed to go back next week for yet another ultrasound to see if the heartbeat is gone so we can schedule the D&C. The next night, i am out with some friends when the bleeding begins. At this stage of the game, I am absolutely relieved that this ordeal will have some closure soon, I am thankful to see the bleeding, unfortunately the pain comes back as well. The horrible cramping begins again but goes away, nothing as severe as the night before. I go back into the doctor the next day and the heartbeat has finally stopped. I am so thankful to schedule the D&C and to have this traumatic pregnancy finally come to an end. 3 weeks of being in limbo was too much and I am now officially traumatized by anything involving pregnancy.
I have now had 2 miscarriages and for a while I considered myself a freak. Friends and family after a miscarriage are an odd thing. You find support from people you never expect, while those that you think you can rely on fail you. You learn to be careful about who you talk about miscarriage to b/c people unintentionally say very hurtful things. You realize they have good intentions and are really trying to be helpful, but in fact it just hurts. If I hear one more time "At least you know you can get pregnant" I will absolutely scream. It is not comforting to know I can get pregnant since I cannot stay pregnant. The only people I can handle hearing that sentence from is people I know that are struggling to get pregnant, I realize from their perspective, just getting pregnant would be a miracle. Or another personal favorite is when people ask if I miscarried because I didn't take my PNV's like i should. Wow, thanks for making me feel like I caused the miscarriage, that was extremely helpful. I begin searching for other freaks like me and I find them on the internet of all places. I stumble upon a message board that is full of other girls that have had miscarriages, most have only had one but there are numerous girls that have had multiple miscarriages and they are trying again. I am inspired. I have never been someone that talks on message boards but I begin lurking and reading these posts make me realize I am not a freak and that my thoughts and feelings after this traumatic event are normal. I am so thankful to realize I am not alone. These girls have inspired me to start this blog after reading theirs. Their posts have helped me so much that I hope one day this blog can help others going through this process too. Everyday gets easier, and I know now that I will get through this and soon there will be days where I don't sit here and think, I should have a 3 1/2 year old and be 25 weeks pregnant. I just have to give it time and heal on my own time table. Before I was trying to make myself feel bad for not being over it, but now I realize it's okay that I am not over it. This pain will take months to heal and it is normal. I just need to realize that I will have good days and bad days and that as long as the good days continue to outweigh the bad, then I am doing okay.
Wow, if I had realized blogging was free therapy I would have done this months ago.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
First Thoughts, first pregnancy and super powers
I've been thinking about starting a blog for a few months now. I've recently suffered my 2nd miscarriage and I find myself thinking about this and other related issues constantly. I've begun reading other blogs related to IF (infertility) and RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) and it has helped me so much to read others peoples struggles and realize that I am not alone. I hope one day, this blog will help and inspire others who also struggle with RPL. So I thought that for the first entry, I would start with the first pregnancy since this is where it all began......
It is early February 2004, tax season. I HATE tax season, but that is another post. One of my co-workers complains about her period. I'm listening and nodding in agreement when it dawns on me that I usually have my period around the same time as she does. I start thinking back and it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea when I last had my period. In my foggy recollection, I think it may have been December. It is at this point I break into a cold sweat. I'm suddenly imagining headlines like "Idiot Accountant Doesn't Realize She's Pregnant, Gives Birth on Tax Return, Client Very Pissed." I decide to push such insane thoughts out of my head and go on with my day. I rationalize to myself that I don't feel pregnant and since I just went off the Pill in November, it is probably just a wacky cycle. I mention it to T (my husband) that I don't remember when I last had my period, he starts laughing, well sort-of, and informs me that he will start keeping up with my cycle if I can't keep up with it. He asks if I am pregnant b/c he has noticed I have recently developed backne. Nice. A few days later on a Saturday I finally give in and pee on a stick and am stunned when it turns up positive. The cold sweat from a few days earlier returns. All of the sudden, my recollection becomes crystal clear and I remember some random spotting a few weeks back. I have no other pregnancy symptoms, except the backne which T has so lovingly pointed out to me, I think I am lucky.
I call the doctor on Monday to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test. They start asking questions about date of last cycle, blah, blah and I feel like a complete moron that I can't remember. While the nurse is trying to figure out when to schedule an appt, I mention I think I had some spotting a few weeks ago. She asks alot of questions and in my clueless state, I have no idea I should be concerned. She tells me to go immediately to ultrasound the following morning. That should have set off a warning siren in my head. So the next morning, me and T head into the ultrasound with no clue of what to expect. They first start trying the ultrasound with the scanner over the belly. The u/s tech can't see anything so she tells me she is going to have to use "the wand". For anyone that has never had the luck to experience to "the wand", let me explain. The wand is used for u/s taken through your hoo-haa. Me and the u/s tech have to constanty remind T to stay near my head while the wand is trying to locate the baby, this is very annoying. He's not trying to check me out getting violated by the wand, he is just trying to see the screen. Unfortunately, there is nothing to see on the screen. I am measuring approx 8 weeks pregnant (ha! I knew I had had a period in December) but there is no baby, there is only a sack measuring 5 weeks and no fetal pole. At the time I have no idea what this means, although I know it isn't good. I meet with the doctor and she explains that situation does not look good. She tells me to come back in a week for another u/s but to not expect good news. I think my Dr sucks at telling people bad news. She proceeds to tell me to still "act" like I am pregnant although I probably won't be much longer and gives me prenatal vitamins. I am seriously so shocked and confused at this point I don't know what to say so I take the vitamins and check out. Of course, at check out, I run into one of my pregnant friends and she immediately knows I am pregnant since T is with me and I have tons of PNV samples in my hand. That was alot of fun explaining to hear that although I was currently pregnant, I probably wouldn't be much longer. Very awkward conversation to have with somebody that I am currently planning a baby shower for.
We go back a week later, expecting bad news and get it, diagnosis of miscarriage #1 is official. There has been no progress, still no baby, I am scheduled for a D&C that Wednesday since my body doesn't appear to be rejecting the pregnancy on its own. In less than 2 weeks time I go from being so scared and excitedly nervous b/c I thought I was pregnant to being so scared and nervous b/c I am now having a miscarriage. Within a 6 month span, me and two sister in laws all have miscarriages. We hadn't told our families about the pregnancy but we decide to tell the night before the D&C, for some reason, we feel they should know. It is an awful series of phone calls that I never want to make again. There is nothing as sad as calling your family to tell them the new grandchild they had been wanting was actually here but it is now gone. Very difficult, especially for people like me that can't handle people crying on me. I am absolutely amazing on the phone, I don't break down and cry at all while telling my parents and sisters, I feel like superwoman, able to turn off emotions at will. It is at this time, that I discover that I possess the super power of being able to talk rationally to people about this subject without having a complete breakdown. Of course, the super power fails me when it is just me and T and I am an absolute wreck, but I am thankful that T allows me to be a wreck b/c I need that outlet.
The D&C turned out to be the easiest part of the whole miscarriage experience and I thought that would be the hardest. Wow, was I ever wrong. Nobody talks about the aftermath of a miscarriage. It is like a dirty little secret that no one ever talks about openly. The dr. prepares you for bleeding and stuff like that, but they don't prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you will soon be experiencing. Nor do the tell you that body absolutely freaks out afterwards. I decide to go back on the Pill, my arch-nemesis. Me and the Pill used to do battle every month and every month it would win with its migraine and vomit inducing hormones. But I am so scared about accidentally getting pregnant again that I decide the battle is worth it b/c I don't think I can handle going through a miscarriage again. I think to myself, that next time, we will plan to have a baby and I will be prepared and I will not go through that traumatic experience again. I stay on the Pill for another two years when I finally give up the battle and declare the Pill the winner, I am tired of the vomiting, constant nausea, breakthrough bleeding, migraines and every other stupid side effect that I am lucky enough to experience no matter what brand I am on. We are still too scared to try to have a baby so we are careful, or at least we thought we were careful until I find out on August 31, 2007 that I am accidentally pregnant again.
It is early February 2004, tax season. I HATE tax season, but that is another post. One of my co-workers complains about her period. I'm listening and nodding in agreement when it dawns on me that I usually have my period around the same time as she does. I start thinking back and it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea when I last had my period. In my foggy recollection, I think it may have been December. It is at this point I break into a cold sweat. I'm suddenly imagining headlines like "Idiot Accountant Doesn't Realize She's Pregnant, Gives Birth on Tax Return, Client Very Pissed." I decide to push such insane thoughts out of my head and go on with my day. I rationalize to myself that I don't feel pregnant and since I just went off the Pill in November, it is probably just a wacky cycle. I mention it to T (my husband) that I don't remember when I last had my period, he starts laughing, well sort-of, and informs me that he will start keeping up with my cycle if I can't keep up with it. He asks if I am pregnant b/c he has noticed I have recently developed backne. Nice. A few days later on a Saturday I finally give in and pee on a stick and am stunned when it turns up positive. The cold sweat from a few days earlier returns. All of the sudden, my recollection becomes crystal clear and I remember some random spotting a few weeks back. I have no other pregnancy symptoms, except the backne which T has so lovingly pointed out to me, I think I am lucky.
I call the doctor on Monday to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test. They start asking questions about date of last cycle, blah, blah and I feel like a complete moron that I can't remember. While the nurse is trying to figure out when to schedule an appt, I mention I think I had some spotting a few weeks ago. She asks alot of questions and in my clueless state, I have no idea I should be concerned. She tells me to go immediately to ultrasound the following morning. That should have set off a warning siren in my head. So the next morning, me and T head into the ultrasound with no clue of what to expect. They first start trying the ultrasound with the scanner over the belly. The u/s tech can't see anything so she tells me she is going to have to use "the wand". For anyone that has never had the luck to experience to "the wand", let me explain. The wand is used for u/s taken through your hoo-haa. Me and the u/s tech have to constanty remind T to stay near my head while the wand is trying to locate the baby, this is very annoying. He's not trying to check me out getting violated by the wand, he is just trying to see the screen. Unfortunately, there is nothing to see on the screen. I am measuring approx 8 weeks pregnant (ha! I knew I had had a period in December) but there is no baby, there is only a sack measuring 5 weeks and no fetal pole. At the time I have no idea what this means, although I know it isn't good. I meet with the doctor and she explains that situation does not look good. She tells me to come back in a week for another u/s but to not expect good news. I think my Dr sucks at telling people bad news. She proceeds to tell me to still "act" like I am pregnant although I probably won't be much longer and gives me prenatal vitamins. I am seriously so shocked and confused at this point I don't know what to say so I take the vitamins and check out. Of course, at check out, I run into one of my pregnant friends and she immediately knows I am pregnant since T is with me and I have tons of PNV samples in my hand. That was alot of fun explaining to hear that although I was currently pregnant, I probably wouldn't be much longer. Very awkward conversation to have with somebody that I am currently planning a baby shower for.
We go back a week later, expecting bad news and get it, diagnosis of miscarriage #1 is official. There has been no progress, still no baby, I am scheduled for a D&C that Wednesday since my body doesn't appear to be rejecting the pregnancy on its own. In less than 2 weeks time I go from being so scared and excitedly nervous b/c I thought I was pregnant to being so scared and nervous b/c I am now having a miscarriage. Within a 6 month span, me and two sister in laws all have miscarriages. We hadn't told our families about the pregnancy but we decide to tell the night before the D&C, for some reason, we feel they should know. It is an awful series of phone calls that I never want to make again. There is nothing as sad as calling your family to tell them the new grandchild they had been wanting was actually here but it is now gone. Very difficult, especially for people like me that can't handle people crying on me. I am absolutely amazing on the phone, I don't break down and cry at all while telling my parents and sisters, I feel like superwoman, able to turn off emotions at will. It is at this time, that I discover that I possess the super power of being able to talk rationally to people about this subject without having a complete breakdown. Of course, the super power fails me when it is just me and T and I am an absolute wreck, but I am thankful that T allows me to be a wreck b/c I need that outlet.
The D&C turned out to be the easiest part of the whole miscarriage experience and I thought that would be the hardest. Wow, was I ever wrong. Nobody talks about the aftermath of a miscarriage. It is like a dirty little secret that no one ever talks about openly. The dr. prepares you for bleeding and stuff like that, but they don't prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you will soon be experiencing. Nor do the tell you that body absolutely freaks out afterwards. I decide to go back on the Pill, my arch-nemesis. Me and the Pill used to do battle every month and every month it would win with its migraine and vomit inducing hormones. But I am so scared about accidentally getting pregnant again that I decide the battle is worth it b/c I don't think I can handle going through a miscarriage again. I think to myself, that next time, we will plan to have a baby and I will be prepared and I will not go through that traumatic experience again. I stay on the Pill for another two years when I finally give up the battle and declare the Pill the winner, I am tired of the vomiting, constant nausea, breakthrough bleeding, migraines and every other stupid side effect that I am lucky enough to experience no matter what brand I am on. We are still too scared to try to have a baby so we are careful, or at least we thought we were careful until I find out on August 31, 2007 that I am accidentally pregnant again.
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