Last night T tells me that our step-SIL is pregnant. Again. She just had her 1st child in May, 2 weeks after my 2nd EDD. Now, I will be the first one to admit, that I handled the news of her first pregnancy badly. There was lots of crying involved, but I was told 2 weeks after my 2nd m/c, which was an extremely long, emotionally draining event. It was devastating to hear that I would have to watch my step-SIL go through her pregnancy, knowing that I should be right there with her and watch the excited faces of all of family members. It sucked. It still pains me to see her beautiful little girl, I haven't even been able to bring myself to hold her yet. But, back to present day. T tells me and I just laugh b/c it was so quick. T is then surprised that I have not broken down into a big mess. I told him, it's different this time, I'm not supposed to be pregnant too, I won't lie, it does sting a little but not nearly the gut wrenching pain/jealousy I felt the first time, not even close. He then brought up the time he told me our neighbor was pregnant and I went to pieces, once again, this was 1 week after the 3rd m/c and she is due 1 week before I was. She's even having a little boy like we were, I tried to explain to him that certain situations were harder to hear about but I don't think he understood at all.
I then find out he has know for over a month. A MONTH!!!! Turns out he and his family have been scared to tell me. Now I'm just pissed and embarassed that they felt like they couldn't tell me. T keeps telling me that sometimes I act sad and depressed. I still get sad sometimes, yes, but it is normal, I've had a terrible year, cut me some slack. T is always telling me I keep everything inside and he never knows how I feel so I make an effort and now I am being treated with kids gloves. He claims he is walking on eggshells. I think this has more to do with his growing up with a manic-depressive father and he doesn't know how to handle emotions very well but I don't know.
Looking back, after the 2nd m/c I did go through a horrible phase, it was a m/c that involved a low heart beat that took almost a month to go away and next thing I knew the holiday season was upon us. During this time, I found out one of my best friends was pregnant, due on my due date may I add, my step SIL was pregnant and due 2 weeks after me and then another good friend also announced she was pregnant. I had a horrible holiday season of 2007 and I was not in a good place. I am no longer in that bad place and I don't think T fully believes me. I think he is so concerned that I am going to slip back into that zone that he is being overly cautious with me and it's not doing either one of us any good. I'm now too embarassed to even talk to his family, I'm convinced that they now all think I am a complete wacko. Will life ever get uncomplicated?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Update to Colon Cleansing
Day 8 - absolutely no weight lost. Just another sign my body hates me and it's only goal in life is to piss me off.
Monday, September 1, 2008
How far do I go?
I'm now completely, utterly confused. I finally decide to not do clomid b/c I am too scared of side effects and I don't want to be monitored, too much stess that I don't need. I went to a chiropractor for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago for some hip and back pain that I have had for years. The chiro is a good friend of T's and knows about all the m/c's. His wife had 3 m/c's also between their 2nd and 3rd child, also unexplained. The chiro gave me a gift certificate for a free one hour massage with the massage therapist at his clinic last october after the 2nd m/c. Since it had been so long, I decided recently to use it before it expired.
The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.
At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).
In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.
The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.
At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).
In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Stupid gmail
Okay not sure what is going on but a few people that I have been sending e-mails too have told me they aren't getting my e-mails. So frustrated, no idea what's going on with my gmail. I'm usually a great e-mail, I don't understand why they aren't going through, either that or it's a big conspiracy on everyone's part to not return my e-mails. Anyway, if you are someone I usually e-mail, please shoot me an e-mail, I have no idea why mine aren't sending
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Update
Pretty much nothing new to report. Had my 1st pregnancy scare post 3rd m/c - wow - made me realize how unready emotionally I am to be pregnant again. I was not excited at all about the possibility, totally scared. think that is a sign I need to wait and I am okay with that.
On another note, my freakin car died for the 4,000th time this past weekend so I had to get another car. I hate buying cars, the only thing worse is paying for them. I finally found the car I have been wanting and I must say I get a smile on my face evertime I get in the car. The dog loves it too, which is really the most important.
On another note, my freakin car died for the 4,000th time this past weekend so I had to get another car. I hate buying cars, the only thing worse is paying for them. I finally found the car I have been wanting and I must say I get a smile on my face evertime I get in the car. The dog loves it too, which is really the most important.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
To CRG
Thank you so much for your sweet comment you left on my previous entry. It means so much to me that someone read this and took the time to leave a note saying how much it had helped them. I noticed I couldn't link to a blog or anything for you so I am leaving this thank you here. If you want to get in touch through e-mail, please leave me another comment and let me know, I'll figure out a way to get my e-mail address to you. I am always searching for other girls who understand what I've gone through and would love to chat, somewhere not on the internet where everyone can see :) I'm leaving to go out of the country until July 21st and will not have internet access until then so it may be awhile before you hear back from me.
Thanks again for the sweet comment, and I totally understand if you don't want to get in touch with some crazy person who's blog you read, no offense taken if you don't respond to this.
Thanks again for the sweet comment, and I totally understand if you don't want to get in touch with some crazy person who's blog you read, no offense taken if you don't respond to this.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The red haired lady is coming back
After the 2nd m/c I decided that life as a redhead was sucking big time so I decided to dye my hair back to its natural brown color, which I hadn't seen since I was 15 years old. I have pale skin with freckles, so the red looks totally natural on me, it is very hard to convince people that brunette is my actual hair color. So while dying my hair back to brown, I had a boo-boo, I missed my natural hair color and it went to dark, dark brown, um, actually black. Whoops!!! I looked like Goth girl for about a month when my hair dresser begged me to change it. So I then spend 4 hours at the salon attempting to remove the black from my hair and the goal is to change it back to a shade of red. Hmmmmm, apparently my hair was really pissed at me and it just went to a lighter shade of brown, but at least it was no longer black. Pale skin and freckles do not look good with black hair. I kept thinking I would come out with a gorgoeous shade of chestnut brown hair, silky and shiny just like in the Nice N Easy Commercials. What was I thinking, this is me, we're talking about. It turns to a lovely shade of doo-doo brown instead. So after lengthy discussion with hairdresser we decide my hair is super damaged and needs a break. I've finally decided to change it back, I think most of the damage is reversed and I am ready to reclaim my old self. I think I was more fun as a red head. I hate the dark haired girl who has gained too much weight and is mad at the world, it's time to bring back the red and reclaim my old self. I cannot wait. I miss my red hair so bad. Plus we are going on cruise on Saturday so I definitely want the red back!! Cannot wait until Tuesday, such a big day!
On another note, i tried on the formal dresses I wore on last years cruise thinking I would just wear those again. Tried on the 1st one, still fit. Tried on the 2nd, it technically fits, however, it is a knit jersey material and it clings to the recently expanded saddlebags. Gross. I cannot bring myself to wear the dress that highlights the saddlebags as well as the new curve to the belly. I am beyond frustrated. I can wear one of the dresses twice, it shouldn't be any big deal but it caused a mild meltdown this afternoon when it truly hit me how much weight I have gained since the 2nd m/c. it is an awful feeling. I swear my eating habits and exercise habits have not changed, yet I am still gaining weight. I'm only 5 foot 3, I can't afford to gain anymore. 15lbs in one year is awful and I am starting to dread the the cruise. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere that required heavy, winter clothes??? I will have to put on a swimsuit at some point, waah. We're going with our best friends from college and the wife is super tiny and cute, I will look like a beached whale next to her. Aaacck, my body after multiple m/c sucks. Cellulite city and its all my fault. Blech.... When the dark hair goes on Tuesday, it better take some of the excess weight with it.
On another note, i tried on the formal dresses I wore on last years cruise thinking I would just wear those again. Tried on the 1st one, still fit. Tried on the 2nd, it technically fits, however, it is a knit jersey material and it clings to the recently expanded saddlebags. Gross. I cannot bring myself to wear the dress that highlights the saddlebags as well as the new curve to the belly. I am beyond frustrated. I can wear one of the dresses twice, it shouldn't be any big deal but it caused a mild meltdown this afternoon when it truly hit me how much weight I have gained since the 2nd m/c. it is an awful feeling. I swear my eating habits and exercise habits have not changed, yet I am still gaining weight. I'm only 5 foot 3, I can't afford to gain anymore. 15lbs in one year is awful and I am starting to dread the the cruise. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere that required heavy, winter clothes??? I will have to put on a swimsuit at some point, waah. We're going with our best friends from college and the wife is super tiny and cute, I will look like a beached whale next to her. Aaacck, my body after multiple m/c sucks. Cellulite city and its all my fault. Blech.... When the dark hair goes on Tuesday, it better take some of the excess weight with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Whispers
Maybe I am over thinking things too much but this is really bothering me lately. With the first m/c I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, we weren't trying to get pregnant and I just assumed it was a fluke and I probably didn't deal with it the way I should have. When the 2nd one happened, I was beyond devastated, I had no idea it could happen twice. It opened up wounds from the 1st one that I didn't even know I had. When the 2nd one happend, I felt so alone, I didn't know anyone that had ever had 2. After the 2nd one and the 3rd miscarriages, I decided to talk more about the experience, the aftermath, all the testing and that's when people would whisper into my ear that they knew of someone that this had happened to and yada, yada, yada. It took me bringing up the subject to hear of other stories of people like me, which for anyone that has been through this knows how hard it is to bring this subject up. Since then, I've decided to be more open about my inability to sustain a pregnancy and my experiences in the infertility world. I hope that since I am more vocal about it, I can one day help someone that is in my unfortunate situation and they will know that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when people would finally confide and whisper to me that they had been in my shoes but it sure would've been nice to know it ahead of time. I would've like to have those stories running through my head as I sat there, numb, looking at an ultrasound screen of yet another heartbeat that has stopped. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone.
I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.
I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.
SURPRISE!!!
Ah yes, it's that time again. It's time to bitch about my mother-in-law. I just don't know what to think of her anymore, I don't know if she is intentionally a bitch to me or she just doesn't know any better. I hope it's that she just doesn't know any better. Long story short, when T called to tell her about the 3rd m/c, her first reply was "I'm sorry, have they not figured out what is wrong with her yet?". Now that made me angry, implying that there is something wrong with ME. Of course, since she never, ever called or asked about the RPL testing from the 2nd m/c, she had no idea that so far everything I have been tested for shows normal, no issues, just bad luck. Second reply after hearing news of the 3rd m/c was to inform T that she was busy planning his sister's 30th surprise b-day party and then proceeded to fill him in on all the details for the next 10 minutes. Please keep in mind that we called her on April 9th to deliver the bad news, his sister turns 30 on June 30th, needless to say I was peeved and hurt that the 3rd m/c didn't even seem to warrant more of a reaction from her. When T called to tell her everything from the D&C went okay this time, all she talked about was his sister's party yet again. So in short, either she has no idea what to say about the m/c's or she really just doesn't care.
Fast forward to last weekend. She asks T if he thinks its a good idea to include me in the surprise 30th b-day party since my 30th will be at the end of July. T says no, he says it's not fair to ask us to split b-day parties. His mother decides to ignore his advice and tells the rest of T's family the party is for me also. I have an awesome brother in law who called me yesterday morning to tip me off about the party, I immediately call T to tell him what's going on and he is furious. After some calling around, I discover that his mother has not invited ANYONE that I know to the party, none of my famiy and friends were invited, yet it is a suprise party for me. Yep, I would definitely be surprised alright to walk into a room full of people I don't know and have them all yell "SURPRISE" at me, it would definitely be a shock. The party isn't even in the same town that we live in, it's about an hours drive, why in the world would someone think this is a good idea? Why would she think I would want a 30th b-day party that is nothing but T's sister's friends??? Seriously - who does this crap???????
T has since sent his mother a not-so-nice e-mail about the party so I am assuming it is no longer a surprise for me after that e-mail. Of course we still haven't heard from her so who knows, I guess I better be prepared for a room full of strangers to yell surprise at me on Friday just in case.
Fast forward to last weekend. She asks T if he thinks its a good idea to include me in the surprise 30th b-day party since my 30th will be at the end of July. T says no, he says it's not fair to ask us to split b-day parties. His mother decides to ignore his advice and tells the rest of T's family the party is for me also. I have an awesome brother in law who called me yesterday morning to tip me off about the party, I immediately call T to tell him what's going on and he is furious. After some calling around, I discover that his mother has not invited ANYONE that I know to the party, none of my famiy and friends were invited, yet it is a suprise party for me. Yep, I would definitely be surprised alright to walk into a room full of people I don't know and have them all yell "SURPRISE" at me, it would definitely be a shock. The party isn't even in the same town that we live in, it's about an hours drive, why in the world would someone think this is a good idea? Why would she think I would want a 30th b-day party that is nothing but T's sister's friends??? Seriously - who does this crap???????
T has since sent his mother a not-so-nice e-mail about the party so I am assuming it is no longer a surprise for me after that e-mail. Of course we still haven't heard from her so who knows, I guess I better be prepared for a room full of strangers to yell surprise at me on Friday just in case.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Day 53
Or at least I think it is Day 53, regardless it's been a long time and I finally got my period!!!! Yay!!! Just need to schedule SIS and then that's the last test to be done after the 3rd m/c. Woohoo, no more pins and needles for me. Now if I can just get over my fear of pregnancy......
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Day 38
38 days since my D&C and where in the hell is my period?? No signs to indicate it will be anytime soon. I took my temp this morning and it was low, much lower than my post ovulation temps so I am assuming that I haven't even ovulated yet. I'll check it again tomorrow for confirmation but this is so frustrating. I know 38 days is not that long, but last time my period came back 32 days after the D&C and the time before that it was a similar amount of time. My regular cycle is 26 days. Argh, I think my body is really f'd up after this past miscarriage and I completely understand why. It's been a very traumatic 7 months, not sure how much more my body can take.
I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.
I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Note to self....
Must remember to never, ever, ever travel anywhere with the World's Most Annoying Man (WMAM). Your inability to do ANYTHING for yourself and your constant complaning and bitching was truly a buzzkill during what was supposed to be a fun group vacation/bike race. After spending 8 consecutive days with WMAM, I am now scared to have children just in case they turn out to be like him. Thanks, WMAM - like I didn't have enough fears with pregnancy and babies already.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Test Results
I went back on the 6th for my post D&C check up, surprising, no pelvic exams or dildo cams or peeing in a cup was involved. I'd forgotten what is like to go to the doctor and not have to be naked from the waist down - it was a nice change. Although I did have to pee horribly bad since I'd been drinking water like a mad woman b/c I thought I would have to pee in a cup. My mistake.
Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!
The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.
I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.
Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!
The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.
I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.
Giggles....
My step brother-in-law's life partner, yes you read that right, my husband's step brother is gay and has a life partner. I will call him S. I could write a book on the craziness that is mine and T's family b/c it is hysterical but I will save that for other entries. Anyway S calls me last night and I haven't talked to him in a few months, not since the 3rd m/c. He calls to tell me that T's step mom had forwarded him the e-mail I sent her regarding the chromosomal testing and he giggled and said that step mom said I sounded jaded. I think she read my e-mail correctly, I'm totally jaded and not sure why this is suprising. I think when I referred to the next future pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" it bothered her. Mental note: send carefully worded e-mails to T's step mom b/c I don't think she likes my sense of humor on the subject. S. tells me he wants to be know ALL test results and wants to be a bigger part of my TTC journey, he even said he would help me track my cycles - how funny and sweet is that? I could have a gay male try to help my get pregnant and stay pregnant - maybe the gay male factor is what has been missing this whole time, he could be the missing key to this whole puzzle.
I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.
I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.
Monday, May 5, 2008
EDD
Today is my EDD from the 2nd m/c. The day I have been dreading is finally here. I now no longer have a continuous countdown of where I should have been with this pregnancy. It's a relief. One of best friends was due next week, her little boy was born last week. It hurts to see those pics and I know that for the rest of my life her little boy will forever remind me of what I lost. I desperately wish I was holding my own little baby and that our children would grow up to be friends but that is not my reality.
I'm working on dealing with my reality that having babies will not be easy for us. I will never have a stress free pregnancy due to the 3 m/c's and that I will probably need medical help to achieve the 4th. For some reason, that has been a very hard thing to admit. The RE offered me fertility drugs when I was attempting the 3rd pregnancy but I said no, I never dreamed a 3rd m/c would happen. I think I'm going to take any assistance that is offered this time, I don't know if I can handle a 4th.
Oh the irony, my post D&C check up is tomorrow from the 3rd m/c. Yup, instead of holding my baby and worrying about if I will ever get to sleep again, i get to go discuss the 3rd m/c and the future game plan. I can only hope a dildo cam ultrasound will be included tomorrow to top the day off. Real funny joke the universe is playing on me at the moment.
I'm working on dealing with my reality that having babies will not be easy for us. I will never have a stress free pregnancy due to the 3 m/c's and that I will probably need medical help to achieve the 4th. For some reason, that has been a very hard thing to admit. The RE offered me fertility drugs when I was attempting the 3rd pregnancy but I said no, I never dreamed a 3rd m/c would happen. I think I'm going to take any assistance that is offered this time, I don't know if I can handle a 4th.
Oh the irony, my post D&C check up is tomorrow from the 3rd m/c. Yup, instead of holding my baby and worrying about if I will ever get to sleep again, i get to go discuss the 3rd m/c and the future game plan. I can only hope a dildo cam ultrasound will be included tomorrow to top the day off. Real funny joke the universe is playing on me at the moment.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Too bored to give it a title
Lately I've been wondering how it is possible that I am walking around and functioning in the real world. I mean, I just had my 3rd m/c, I should be hiding under a rock somewhere. Instead, for the most part I think I am doing okay.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.
I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.
I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Things that suck
D&C is over, just waiting on the real fun to begin. Since I have been through this before, I know the worst is yet to come, the dreaded hormone crash. I'm pretty sure the crash has already started b/c I feel like an absolute nut case. I'm fine one minute, crying for the next 5 minutes, angry at the world for another 10 minutes and then go back to fine. It sucks. I HATE this phase. I took me months to get through this phase last time and I am not looking forward to repeating it so soon. Just another gripe to add to the list of things that suck about miscarriage. Speaking of which, I think I will start the list now:
1. Losing the baby - self explanatory and it sucks the big one.
2. Loss of innocence regarding pregnancy - I now have no innocence, I know bad things happen and pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm totally jaded.
3. Trying to act normal afterwards - miscarriage changes you, yet people expect you to act like everything is normal and get on with your life.
4. The Deafening Silence - there are always some people that you are astounded by how they react which is they say nothing and don't acknowledge your loss. Silence is loud, very loud.
5. Pads - after a D&C you can't wear tampons, so you have to wear a pad, I feel like I'm in middle school all over again.
6. No sex - self explanatory. Just when I feel totally alone and really need intimacy, put on the injured reserve list for 2 weeks.
Sidenote: Afer a D&C, they always go over a list of things that you cannot put in your hoo-haa for at least 2 weeks due to risk of infection. It always makes me wonder that after the 2 weeks can I put just any old thing up there???? Always wondered what else the doctor's are referring to....
7. Changes - your body freaks out and suddenly decides it hates you. Acne, weight gain, hair loss, etc, etc.
8. Wacky cycles - further proof your body hates you, you have no idea when your cycle will return, and once it does, there is no guarantee it will be normal for months.
9. Doctor's visits - I now have no modesty regarding my girlie parts. I think everyone in town has seen them at this point I've had so many vag ultrasounds and pelvic exams, I don't know why I bother to wear to pants now.
10. Paranoia that pregnant people stalk you - after a loss, pregnant people come out of everywhere in an attempt to torture you. It's not fair, it's really not.
11. Pitying looks - when you tell people what has happened, you get the look of pity. That awful look that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. It's awful, I hate the pity look. Sometimes I'd rather hear a dumb ass comment than receive the "look of pity".
12. "Helpful" suggestions - I use the word "helpful" loosely. People that have every intention of being helpful will offer up helpful suggestions of what to try next time or why you miscarried. If the suggestion is really dumb, I think it should be legal to bite the person.
That's all I have at the moment, if anyone knows of any other sucky things regarding miscarriage that I have forgotten, please let me know and I will be glad to update the list. Right now my mind has gone blank.
1. Losing the baby - self explanatory and it sucks the big one.
2. Loss of innocence regarding pregnancy - I now have no innocence, I know bad things happen and pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm totally jaded.
3. Trying to act normal afterwards - miscarriage changes you, yet people expect you to act like everything is normal and get on with your life.
4. The Deafening Silence - there are always some people that you are astounded by how they react which is they say nothing and don't acknowledge your loss. Silence is loud, very loud.
5. Pads - after a D&C you can't wear tampons, so you have to wear a pad, I feel like I'm in middle school all over again.
6. No sex - self explanatory. Just when I feel totally alone and really need intimacy, put on the injured reserve list for 2 weeks.
Sidenote: Afer a D&C, they always go over a list of things that you cannot put in your hoo-haa for at least 2 weeks due to risk of infection. It always makes me wonder that after the 2 weeks can I put just any old thing up there???? Always wondered what else the doctor's are referring to....
7. Changes - your body freaks out and suddenly decides it hates you. Acne, weight gain, hair loss, etc, etc.
8. Wacky cycles - further proof your body hates you, you have no idea when your cycle will return, and once it does, there is no guarantee it will be normal for months.
9. Doctor's visits - I now have no modesty regarding my girlie parts. I think everyone in town has seen them at this point I've had so many vag ultrasounds and pelvic exams, I don't know why I bother to wear to pants now.
10. Paranoia that pregnant people stalk you - after a loss, pregnant people come out of everywhere in an attempt to torture you. It's not fair, it's really not.
11. Pitying looks - when you tell people what has happened, you get the look of pity. That awful look that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. It's awful, I hate the pity look. Sometimes I'd rather hear a dumb ass comment than receive the "look of pity".
12. "Helpful" suggestions - I use the word "helpful" loosely. People that have every intention of being helpful will offer up helpful suggestions of what to try next time or why you miscarried. If the suggestion is really dumb, I think it should be legal to bite the person.
That's all I have at the moment, if anyone knows of any other sucky things regarding miscarriage that I have forgotten, please let me know and I will be glad to update the list. Right now my mind has gone blank.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
D&C scheduled
Yay!!! Yes and I mean yay. This means closure and I desperately need that. This waiting for a week and half has sucked, big time. Of course, it is still better than the last time when I had to wait 3 weeks for the heartbeat to stop, now that was torture. The week and a half wait has been a cake walk compared to that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Frustration
I'm in this strange place right now emotionally. I realize I will be having a D&C soon yet I don't think it has fully set in yet that it has really happened again. It still seems very surreal, it feels like years ago I thought I was pregnant and going to have a baby, now it just seems like I was never pregnant this past time and I'm just going for some random outpatient surgery next week. Very odd.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
So much for 3rd times the charm.....
Went for my 4th ultrasound this morning, yes that's right 4th. After 2 previous losses, the powers that be go way out of their way to make you feel as freakish as possible and bring you in constantly for monitoring. 4 ultrasounds at approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant, that's more than most people have all pregnancy. Anyway, 4th ultrasound reconfirmed my fear of the ultrasound machine, they are mean, viscious machines that should be feared, I will probably have nightmares about them tonight. The heartbeat we saw last Friday is gone, it apparently stopped sometime on Friday too. I'm shocked and numb at the moment. I never got excited about this pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was too scared to let it happen, I kept telling myself it would be okay, especially after we saw the heartbeat but I was still scared to get excited. I guess my instincts were right.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Stupid Ta-Ta's
I keep poking at my BB's to see if they are sore yet, and of course, they feel just fine. Look completely normal, small as usual. I just wish I would hurry up and get some symptoms b/c feeling normal is just freaking me out. I hope Wednesday gets here soon so I can get my 2nd beta's done, hopefully that will give me a little comfort.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Hmmmmm......
I can't believe it, I took a home pregnancy test Tuesday night and it came up positive. Being the neurotic that I am, I took another Wednesday just to double check and it came up a little lighter than the day before, nothing obviously different but enough that I noticed. Anyway, this caused the first round of panic and I called my RE to get beta's done. Yep, the same thing I swore up and down a couple of posts ago that I wouldn't do. Oh well. Anyway, the first beta was HCG - 71, progesterone 39. The nurse swore up and down that the HCG number was fine. I have to go back next Wednesday for another beta. She also said I needed to starting taking progesterone supplements 3x a day (eww, gross!!!) and a baby aspirin, in addition to the PNV's and extra folic acid. There went my hopes of pretending this was a "normal" pregnancy. Still completely shocked at the news and am dying for next Wednesday to get here so I can get my bloodwork redone. She offered to let me come in earlier but I said Wednesday was fine, they wanted to see what happened over a week since they are upping my progesterone. Arggh almost a whole week but I realize all the blood tests really don't matter because they won't change the final outcome, whatever it will be. I've got to learn to be patient and to be thankful for each day I am pregnant, since I know firsthand how fast things can change.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Side Effects vs. Symptoms
I'm feeling oddly optimistic this cycle. I decided to quit charting and using OPK's because it was seriously stressing me out. I decided that I wasn't going to force myself to attempt to get pregnant this cycle b/c it has been so hard these past few months not getting pregnant and I think it was causing me to dwell on the miscarriages too much. I'm now seriously wondering if I am pregnant this time, I have no idea when exactly I ovulated since I'm not tracking but AF is due tomorrow if this cycle is consistent with the past few cycles. I had some spotting starting on Thursday so I immediately assumed the worst based on past cycles, I assumed this was yet another cycle where my hormones plummeted. I started the progesterone that night and the spotting has now stopped. Dare I hope the spotting on Thursday was implantation? The rational part of me says, no you idiot, it's because your hormones crashed again. The hopeful part says, yes, it was due to implantation. Since Thursday, I've been exhausted and slightly nauseous feeling. Once again, the rational side says all side effects of progesterone supplements, the hopeful side says symptoms. Either way, I'm reading way too much into things and I fear I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment. Oh welll, the benefit of short cycles means that the hope doesn't stay terribly long, I should know for sure in a few days. Too bad I'm too chicken to take a test, I think it would just suck too much to see a negative today, I'm feeling good and don't want the disappointment to ruin my day, so no testing until I feel ready.
Friday, February 29, 2008
The Fear
It's very odd, I had a D&C on October 5th and soon after that I became absolutely obsessed with being pregnant again. Obviously, no luck in that area. In January, I had a hormone crash and discovered I may have a hormone issue that was not detected in my initial RPL work up. I was prescribed progesterone and told to take it every month starting at 2DPO just in case I get pregnant. The doctor also mentioned clomid would help with the possible hormone issue but it's tax season and I don't want the extra stress of clomid and all the monitoring it requires at the moment. So I didn't take the progesterone the next cycle just to see if my hormones crashed again. FYI, my hormone crash was diagnosed after I started spotting at 2DPO, at 10DPO I'd had enough and went in for more bloodwork and that's how the crash was discovered. Anyway, next cycle, no spotting at all so now I am extremely confused about my body. I'm thankful I had no spotting but I wish I knew if that month was a fluke or if I have a issue.
I've now becoming ambivalent about being pregnant again, or at least I am no longer absolutely obsessed. Okay, ambivalent is a bad word, I'm just less psychotic about it. I think since it has been 5 months since the m/c, the fear of being pregnant again is getting stronger. I am so scared of it happening a 3rd time. I just "knew" after the 1st one that I had paid my m/c dues and wouldn't have another one so I was totally surprised when I found out I was that dreaded stastic, the girl with multiple miscarriages. I don't know what I am more scared of, never having a child of my own, or seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test. I can't believe that this is how my life is turning out, I never imagined I would be a "habitual aborter". I'm stunned and scared. I know next time I get pregnant (see, I'm trying to positive and not use the word if) it will be very stressful. I'm hoping that next time it happens I will be strong enough to face the possibility of a 3rd m/c but won't let it consume my every thought.
I don't want to go in for constant bloodwork and ultrasounds next time. I did this last time and I now understand that no amount of monitoring can stop the inevitable. I remember going to get blood drawn constantly in those first weeks and my heart would stop each time the nurse called with my beta's. I couldn't breathe until she said my numbers. Of course, being the hyperchondriac that i was, I had already calculated the # that it needed to be and everytime my beta's were better than needed. I had great bloodwork #'s and they mislead me and now I feel betrayed. So next time, I will not be going in for constant monitoring, at least not for the first few weeks. There is no point, instead I will just constantly check the toilet paper for spotting and if lord forbid I should see spotting then I will go in for bloodwork. I would love to be brave and not even have an u/s until 10 weeks but I know I am not that strong. Both of my babies stopped developing at around 6 wks, I think if I can hold off for an ultrasound until 8 wks and see a healthy heartbeat, I might feel a little better. Notice the word might. I don't think I will ever feel good about a pregnancy again, I know the worst that can happen and it's forever changed me. And I hate that it has changed me. I hate that everytime someone I know announces their pregnancy at 5 weeks, I automatically think they are idiots for announcing so soon since so much can happen those first few weeks. I hate that they have all this joy and excitement announcing a new pregnancy so early and I will never know anything else but paranoia. I hate when friends tell me they are nervous going in for ultrasounds b/c they are scared there might be something wrong. I hate that it bothers me that they tell me these fears and I don't fully understand. I understand you are scared but when I hear them talk about how scared they were of miscarrying it makes me sad. I just want to scream at them and yell - you haven't had a miscarraige so quit telling me how scared you were while you pregnant that it would happen!!! Please quit telling me this as you hold your beautiful child, please quit telling me you understand my fears about my next pregnancy when you in fact do not. They don't know the fear up close and personal like I do. I hate that I know the fear and will forever have an unnatural fear of ultrasound machines. I feel completely robbed and raw over this whole experience, yet I can't wait to go through the pregnancy experience again b/c I am hoping that the phrase - the 3rd times the charm - is actually true.
I've now becoming ambivalent about being pregnant again, or at least I am no longer absolutely obsessed. Okay, ambivalent is a bad word, I'm just less psychotic about it. I think since it has been 5 months since the m/c, the fear of being pregnant again is getting stronger. I am so scared of it happening a 3rd time. I just "knew" after the 1st one that I had paid my m/c dues and wouldn't have another one so I was totally surprised when I found out I was that dreaded stastic, the girl with multiple miscarriages. I don't know what I am more scared of, never having a child of my own, or seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test. I can't believe that this is how my life is turning out, I never imagined I would be a "habitual aborter". I'm stunned and scared. I know next time I get pregnant (see, I'm trying to positive and not use the word if) it will be very stressful. I'm hoping that next time it happens I will be strong enough to face the possibility of a 3rd m/c but won't let it consume my every thought.
I don't want to go in for constant bloodwork and ultrasounds next time. I did this last time and I now understand that no amount of monitoring can stop the inevitable. I remember going to get blood drawn constantly in those first weeks and my heart would stop each time the nurse called with my beta's. I couldn't breathe until she said my numbers. Of course, being the hyperchondriac that i was, I had already calculated the # that it needed to be and everytime my beta's were better than needed. I had great bloodwork #'s and they mislead me and now I feel betrayed. So next time, I will not be going in for constant monitoring, at least not for the first few weeks. There is no point, instead I will just constantly check the toilet paper for spotting and if lord forbid I should see spotting then I will go in for bloodwork. I would love to be brave and not even have an u/s until 10 weeks but I know I am not that strong. Both of my babies stopped developing at around 6 wks, I think if I can hold off for an ultrasound until 8 wks and see a healthy heartbeat, I might feel a little better. Notice the word might. I don't think I will ever feel good about a pregnancy again, I know the worst that can happen and it's forever changed me. And I hate that it has changed me. I hate that everytime someone I know announces their pregnancy at 5 weeks, I automatically think they are idiots for announcing so soon since so much can happen those first few weeks. I hate that they have all this joy and excitement announcing a new pregnancy so early and I will never know anything else but paranoia. I hate when friends tell me they are nervous going in for ultrasounds b/c they are scared there might be something wrong. I hate that it bothers me that they tell me these fears and I don't fully understand. I understand you are scared but when I hear them talk about how scared they were of miscarrying it makes me sad. I just want to scream at them and yell - you haven't had a miscarraige so quit telling me how scared you were while you pregnant that it would happen!!! Please quit telling me this as you hold your beautiful child, please quit telling me you understand my fears about my next pregnancy when you in fact do not. They don't know the fear up close and personal like I do. I hate that I know the fear and will forever have an unnatural fear of ultrasound machines. I feel completely robbed and raw over this whole experience, yet I can't wait to go through the pregnancy experience again b/c I am hoping that the phrase - the 3rd times the charm - is actually true.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Should I stay or should I go???
To sum it up, I have a love/hate relationship with my job. My job really sucks from January to April and then sucks again from about October to November. When the job sucks, it really, really sucks. However, when it's not one of the months specified above, it's a very laid back environment with a ton of flexibility. I've been at my job for over 7 years and I wonder if I have stayed too long. A coworker has already confided in me that it is his last tax season and is giving his notice on April 15th and keeps encouraging me to do the same. He's been talking with a headhunter and the headhunter just laughs at what he was getting paid for his position and really laughs at what I am paid for mine. Apparently I am about $20 - $30k underpaid - wow!!! That's a huge difference and I am completely torn about what to do. A part of me is really excited about leaving this job and jumping into the corporate world, better pay, no more horrendous tax season hours, freedom to take vacation whenever I wanted. There are definite benefits to jumping ship. On the other hand, I have amazing freedom at my current job, due to constant understaffing, they give me alot of leeway. During nontax season, I don't work 8 hour days, get to work around 8:30 (I confess, I get there at the same during tax season but I do stay later to make up for it), take a 2 hour lunch, leave around 4:30 and spend a large part of my day goofing off. I know the issues that surround me at my current job, I know the pros and cons of the job, but if I leave and go somewhere else, what if its worse??? I'm so confused about what to do and I wish I had a sign that would show me the correct path I should take. I'm planning on starting clomid in April/May to get pregnant so is this the best time to be looking for a new job? Is it fair to my new employer to take a new job when I know I will be missing alot of work due to fertility treatments and/or possibly needing maternity leave soon (I'm trying to be optimisic)?? Or then again, is it stupid to stay in a job where I am not 100% happy just because I am undergoing fertility treatments and I know they will give me all the time off I want plus would be super flexible if I ever did actually have a child? I'm just so confused and feel a little silly postponing my future based on what if's. What if I am doomed to constantly miscarry and never have a child, if this is my fate then it seems really stupid to stay at this job. I thought I had my sign in August when I found out I was pregnant again, I thought that was a sign to stay where I was b/c they would be flexible and probably would let me work from home. But now, I'm unsure of what to do and I HATE uncertainty. I'm not going to talk to the headhunter until after April 15th about my possibilities so maybe a sign will magically appear and guide me in the right direction because I sure could use the help right now.
On another note, my mother asked me last night if I had read the article in the paper a few weeks ago that said caffeine causes miscarriages. Ah yes, Mom is still on the hunt to find a concrete reason for my losses, apparently the official diagnosis of bad luck/probably chromosomal abnormalities with the babies aren't sufficient for her. So anyway, she asks if I read it and I informed her with a not so pleasant tone to my voice that yes I read it, I was hoping the tone would get the point across to drop the subject. Nope, didn't work. She asked if I thought my Mt. Dew habit was the cause - ah yes,just another item to add to Mom's crazy list of why I miscarried with the implication that they were my fault. I informed her very icily that no, it wasn't and she finally got the hint and dropped the subject. Not quite a trip to Mom's without a punch in the gut, it'd been over a week since she brought up the subject of my uterus so I guess I should've known it was coming. The good news is that the question didn't want to make me cry so I guess I am healing, instead I wanted to beat her over the head with the article and say why do you ask me such stupid things so I am taking this as a good sign.
On another note, my mother asked me last night if I had read the article in the paper a few weeks ago that said caffeine causes miscarriages. Ah yes, Mom is still on the hunt to find a concrete reason for my losses, apparently the official diagnosis of bad luck/probably chromosomal abnormalities with the babies aren't sufficient for her. So anyway, she asks if I read it and I informed her with a not so pleasant tone to my voice that yes I read it, I was hoping the tone would get the point across to drop the subject. Nope, didn't work. She asked if I thought my Mt. Dew habit was the cause - ah yes,just another item to add to Mom's crazy list of why I miscarried with the implication that they were my fault. I informed her very icily that no, it wasn't and she finally got the hint and dropped the subject. Not quite a trip to Mom's without a punch in the gut, it'd been over a week since she brought up the subject of my uterus so I guess I should've known it was coming. The good news is that the question didn't want to make me cry so I guess I am healing, instead I wanted to beat her over the head with the article and say why do you ask me such stupid things so I am taking this as a good sign.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Amendment to An Open Letter
Just an update. I've since talked to the friends that sent the e-mail mentioned in the previous post and we've worked everything out. I've thought about deleting that post, but have decided against it. I wrote that post after I felt extremely hurt and betrayed and I have thought about deleting it just in case I do ever share this blog with people I actually know in real life, but I've decided it against it. I think it stands as an example as to some of the extremely unintentionally hurtful things people say to others following a miscarraige. So I'm leaving it. I want that post to serve as a reminder to people to please be careful about what you say to others that are experiencing something you have no experience with. I realize now my friends did not mean how they came across, I think they were honestly trying to express they were worried about me, but unfortunately that is not what was said. I have truly forgiven what was said but the words still haunt my thoughts.
T. told me the other night, that if you allow someone's words to offend you, then you have given them too much power. This statement struck a cord with me, I let my friends words destroy me one day, I started believing they were right and that I should've been past my grief and I was stupid for feeling this way 5 months later. I now realize I gave them too much power, I cared too much for their opinion when all that really matters is my own.
T. told me the other night, that if you allow someone's words to offend you, then you have given them too much power. This statement struck a cord with me, I let my friends words destroy me one day, I started believing they were right and that I should've been past my grief and I was stupid for feeling this way 5 months later. I now realize I gave them too much power, I cared too much for their opinion when all that really matters is my own.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Random
For once, a positive blog entry... i usually use this blog as way of expressing yucky feelings and use it as a form of therapy and don't discuss much going on in my life outside of the m/c's, so to balance out all the angry entries, here is a list of things that make me happy in no particular order.
- girl scout cookie time. I love this time of year, I get giddy every time I see a girl scout because this means cookies should be close.
- I am in love with my DVR, I don't know how I lived without it before. I can now not worry about missing America's Next Top Model or Project Runway ever again.
- My adorable, dumb as bricks dog. I love the way he comes up and covers my face with puppy kisses, however, I do wish he would not do this after he has licked his butt.
- My bitchy, cranky cat. I can't say I blame because he is missing a back leg, has 2 different colored eyes, is partially deaf, has no nuts and is currently sporting two wicked scars on his face and due to one of these scars, half of his face has been shaved. Just looking at this battle scarred cat cracks me up.
- T. I don't know what I would do without him.
- My new chocolate brown patent leather high heeled mary janes - they are absolutely gorgeous and to die for.
- Taking a break from charting and OPK's, I had no idea how much they were stressing me out until I stopped. Huge stress relief.
- Perez Hilton, love, love, love that website and all the snarky comments he makes.
- Beer, Michelob Ultra in particular, I just love it.
- My job. I don't love my job, however I do love the job security that I currently have. Working in public accounting has a high turnover rate so the fact that I have been at my current job for 7 years is amazing. I seriously think I could show up drunk at this point and not get fired b/c that is how understaffed we are.
- Reese's cup easter eggs, they should sell these year round. Or on second thought maybe it is a good thing they don't because my hips can't afford that.
- My new underwear from VS. I have no idea what kind it is but it is so comfortable. Unfortunately I got it at the semi-annual sale and only got one pair, I can't seem to find any more, actually this is now upsetting me.
- My new pillow.
- Sundays, it is currently my only day of the week I don't have to go into the office and the only day I get to sleep in.
- Ah yes, sleeping, my most favorite thing ever. I am excellent at it, I should have pursued a career as a mattress tester or something where I could put my skills at being able to consistently sleep 12 hours at a time to good use.
- John & Kate plus 8 - actually this show doesn't make me happy, it scares the piss out of me, I just had to get that out.
- girl scout cookie time. I love this time of year, I get giddy every time I see a girl scout because this means cookies should be close.
- I am in love with my DVR, I don't know how I lived without it before. I can now not worry about missing America's Next Top Model or Project Runway ever again.
- My adorable, dumb as bricks dog. I love the way he comes up and covers my face with puppy kisses, however, I do wish he would not do this after he has licked his butt.
- My bitchy, cranky cat. I can't say I blame because he is missing a back leg, has 2 different colored eyes, is partially deaf, has no nuts and is currently sporting two wicked scars on his face and due to one of these scars, half of his face has been shaved. Just looking at this battle scarred cat cracks me up.
- T. I don't know what I would do without him.
- My new chocolate brown patent leather high heeled mary janes - they are absolutely gorgeous and to die for.
- Taking a break from charting and OPK's, I had no idea how much they were stressing me out until I stopped. Huge stress relief.
- Perez Hilton, love, love, love that website and all the snarky comments he makes.
- Beer, Michelob Ultra in particular, I just love it.
- My job. I don't love my job, however I do love the job security that I currently have. Working in public accounting has a high turnover rate so the fact that I have been at my current job for 7 years is amazing. I seriously think I could show up drunk at this point and not get fired b/c that is how understaffed we are.
- Reese's cup easter eggs, they should sell these year round. Or on second thought maybe it is a good thing they don't because my hips can't afford that.
- My new underwear from VS. I have no idea what kind it is but it is so comfortable. Unfortunately I got it at the semi-annual sale and only got one pair, I can't seem to find any more, actually this is now upsetting me.
- My new pillow.
- Sundays, it is currently my only day of the week I don't have to go into the office and the only day I get to sleep in.
- Ah yes, sleeping, my most favorite thing ever. I am excellent at it, I should have pursued a career as a mattress tester or something where I could put my skills at being able to consistently sleep 12 hours at a time to good use.
- John & Kate plus 8 - actually this show doesn't make me happy, it scares the piss out of me, I just had to get that out.
Friday, February 15, 2008
An Open Letter
I realize most of my friends do not understand what I have gone through. They don't understand my journey, not do I expect them to, however, I do expect them to respect my tragedy and to not judge me for it and how I handle my grief. I've been hesitant to tell certain friends how I was really feeling b/c I was scared they would judge me and say something hurtful. T kept asking me why I didn't talk to most people about this and I said it was too hard and I wasn't sure what their reaction would be so I keep it to myself. An event came up that I just didn't want to go to. It would be my closest friends from childhood with all of their families and pregnancies and I just honestly didn't want to come face to face with a reminder of what I had recently lost. I'd been doing fairly well recently and was hoping to continue my forward progess. T encourages me to share my feelings, because of course they will understand, they have known my longer than anyone else. So I write an e-mail explaining why I would not be in attendance, it takes me 3 hours and many tears to get up enough nerve to put my feelings out there and I feel completely raw and exposed. Imagine my shock and horror when a reply comes back telling me that I have serious issues b/c this has been going on for 5 months and I'm still not over it. And as an added bonus, it includes a list informing me of how I have been a really crappy friend lately because I can't share in their lives and be happy for them. But an incredible thing came out of those e-mails, I had a long talk with T, he finally understands why I have trouble talking about it to other people and it's because they just don't get it. He was also shocked at the responses but he finally understood me for the first time when I said I just can't talk to them about this right now. He finally got it and that alone has made me feel like I will be getting through this soon. Just that one conversation has made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so I will take the hurt from the e-mails and remember the good came out of them.
Last time I checked, none of them had to go to the doctor constantly throughout September checking hormone levels and constant ultrasounds to see if their baby had finally died. I don’t recall them spending the month of November undergoing constant testing and spending close to $600 - $700 on copays for all these tests and incurring over $10,000 in medical procedures throughout the month. I don’t recall them having to wait an agonizing 3 weeks for possible answers and finally getting them a week before Christmas, only to find there are no answers. Just a guess of it's bad luck and oh yeah, by the way, your official diagnosis is "habitual aborter" and all of your paperwork will now now state this as your medical condition in order for insurance to cover your tests. I don’t recall their lives being put “on hold” for 3 months due to constant doctor appointments and not having any closure. I have closure now, and yes, I’m still having bad days occassionally, which is to be expected and IS normal and expected. I thought I was doing okay until yesterday I get informed that by other people’s grief time lines it is taking too long and I am crappy, uncaring friend. I don’t recall many friends calling me after my D&C to ask how I was doing and I don’t recall too many questions since then. Communication works both ways, I don’t think I am totally to blame. I’m don't want to attempt to explain what I went through to people that don’t understand and haven’t tried to.
None of them has ever lost a baby and I hope they never do. But I'm guessing that if any of them ever do have a miscarriage, a few months down the road, they would still have those days where seeing reminders just still hurt because the wounds are still fresh and I don't think they would appreciate me informing them that their grief is abnormal and that they should be over it. You don't get over a miscarriage, you just get better at living with it. I don't expect anyone else to grieve for the babies I've lost, but I do ask that you don't judge me when some days it still makes me sad.
I needed to hear my close friends say, we are sorry you won't be in attendance but we understand you are having a hard time. We understand you have lost 2 babies while the rest of have no idea what you have experienced and hopefully never will. We understand there will be times you can't join us b/c sometimes the pain hurts too much but we will be here waiting on you to be ready to join us again soon. That's what I needed to hear.
Last time I checked, none of them had to go to the doctor constantly throughout September checking hormone levels and constant ultrasounds to see if their baby had finally died. I don’t recall them spending the month of November undergoing constant testing and spending close to $600 - $700 on copays for all these tests and incurring over $10,000 in medical procedures throughout the month. I don’t recall them having to wait an agonizing 3 weeks for possible answers and finally getting them a week before Christmas, only to find there are no answers. Just a guess of it's bad luck and oh yeah, by the way, your official diagnosis is "habitual aborter" and all of your paperwork will now now state this as your medical condition in order for insurance to cover your tests. I don’t recall their lives being put “on hold” for 3 months due to constant doctor appointments and not having any closure. I have closure now, and yes, I’m still having bad days occassionally, which is to be expected and IS normal and expected. I thought I was doing okay until yesterday I get informed that by other people’s grief time lines it is taking too long and I am crappy, uncaring friend. I don’t recall many friends calling me after my D&C to ask how I was doing and I don’t recall too many questions since then. Communication works both ways, I don’t think I am totally to blame. I’m don't want to attempt to explain what I went through to people that don’t understand and haven’t tried to.
None of them has ever lost a baby and I hope they never do. But I'm guessing that if any of them ever do have a miscarriage, a few months down the road, they would still have those days where seeing reminders just still hurt because the wounds are still fresh and I don't think they would appreciate me informing them that their grief is abnormal and that they should be over it. You don't get over a miscarriage, you just get better at living with it. I don't expect anyone else to grieve for the babies I've lost, but I do ask that you don't judge me when some days it still makes me sad.
I needed to hear my close friends say, we are sorry you won't be in attendance but we understand you are having a hard time. We understand you have lost 2 babies while the rest of have no idea what you have experienced and hopefully never will. We understand there will be times you can't join us b/c sometimes the pain hurts too much but we will be here waiting on you to be ready to join us again soon. That's what I needed to hear.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Things I know that I wish I didn't
1. snorkeling + tequila + no food = bad idea
2. Pregnancy does not equal baby
3. My parents don't know everything
4. As I get older, my ass is attempting to reach my knees and is getting closer every day.
5. That when T recently announced his new goal rate for racing season, my body got confused and thought it was my goal weight too.
6. My body hates me and goes out of its way to piss me off
7. People that get pregnant the first month of trying and proceed to call themselves "fertile myrtle" should have rocks thrown at them
8. No matter what anyone says, certain drugs are really fun to take (calm down, blog readers, those days are over but it sure is fun to remember)
9. I will eventually turn into my mother, it is inevitable
10. T's family is nuts
11. That I would one day get the opportunity to see my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries on TV
12. I have a tendency to get migraine-like headaches a couple of days around the time my LH surge happens
13. I know what an LH surge is
14. Breast cancer happens to girls in their 20's
15. Progesterone suppositories really help you sleep, seriously - they should market that stuff as a sleeping aid.
16. That my male RE informs me "I'm going to touch you now" before doing any testing - this causes me to giggle every time and I think he thinks I'm really strange
17. Anytime you have a miscarriage, you are guaranteed that at least 3 friends/acquaintances will suddenly announce their pregnancy and that at least 1 will be due around your due date - apparently it's a law
18. That my natural hair color is naturally a very dark brown and apparently people hate it - I'm keeping it for a while just because I forgot how nice it was to not have to cover up roots constantly, after 15 years of hair coloring, I decided I needed a break.
19. I look better as a red head and people are not shy about telling me that
20. That it costs approximately $1,200 to have a cat's leg removed - of course this was the total after 2 previous surgeries to remove the cat's toes in an attempt to save the leg. Should've just removed the whole leg the 1st surgery and saved us some money and the cat some pain.
21. God gave my dog the saddest puppy eyes ever in order to make me feel horribly guilty every time I leave him alone
22. That my insurance copay to have a baby in a hospital would be $100
23. That my insurance copay to have a D&C is $150 - does this seem fair at all?
24. Lortabs are great
25. I've learned that I can go through 2 miscarriages and survive.
2. Pregnancy does not equal baby
3. My parents don't know everything
4. As I get older, my ass is attempting to reach my knees and is getting closer every day.
5. That when T recently announced his new goal rate for racing season, my body got confused and thought it was my goal weight too.
6. My body hates me and goes out of its way to piss me off
7. People that get pregnant the first month of trying and proceed to call themselves "fertile myrtle" should have rocks thrown at them
8. No matter what anyone says, certain drugs are really fun to take (calm down, blog readers, those days are over but it sure is fun to remember)
9. I will eventually turn into my mother, it is inevitable
10. T's family is nuts
11. That I would one day get the opportunity to see my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries on TV
12. I have a tendency to get migraine-like headaches a couple of days around the time my LH surge happens
13. I know what an LH surge is
14. Breast cancer happens to girls in their 20's
15. Progesterone suppositories really help you sleep, seriously - they should market that stuff as a sleeping aid.
16. That my male RE informs me "I'm going to touch you now" before doing any testing - this causes me to giggle every time and I think he thinks I'm really strange
17. Anytime you have a miscarriage, you are guaranteed that at least 3 friends/acquaintances will suddenly announce their pregnancy and that at least 1 will be due around your due date - apparently it's a law
18. That my natural hair color is naturally a very dark brown and apparently people hate it - I'm keeping it for a while just because I forgot how nice it was to not have to cover up roots constantly, after 15 years of hair coloring, I decided I needed a break.
19. I look better as a red head and people are not shy about telling me that
20. That it costs approximately $1,200 to have a cat's leg removed - of course this was the total after 2 previous surgeries to remove the cat's toes in an attempt to save the leg. Should've just removed the whole leg the 1st surgery and saved us some money and the cat some pain.
21. God gave my dog the saddest puppy eyes ever in order to make me feel horribly guilty every time I leave him alone
22. That my insurance copay to have a baby in a hospital would be $100
23. That my insurance copay to have a D&C is $150 - does this seem fair at all?
24. Lortabs are great
25. I've learned that I can go through 2 miscarriages and survive.
Hurtful things
On Thursday as I was dropping the dog off for a day with his grandparents, my mom stopped me as I walking out the door to go to work and informed me that she sure wishes I would get pregnant so that she would have a reason to quit her job. WTF???? Now, she's always said hurtful things to me in the past regarding the miscarriages but it shocked me she would say something so completely insensitive to my face. She's asked me before if I didn't take my prenatal vitamins and if I thought that having a cyst removed from my back caused the miscarriages - how nice of her to imply I caused them. It's always a struggle to accept the fact that you didn't cause it but it makes it harder when well-meaning family tries to tell you that you did. I realize she doesn't know what she says is hurtful because she would never, ever say it if she realized this. She is not a mean person at all and it would just kill her if she knew how much she upset me so I don't tell her. But man, that really sucked hearing her say that. I called T on the way to work all upset and he said she had told him the same thing a week ago and he just hadn't told me, thank goodness he didn't relay that message to me. I told both my sisters what she said and they were shocked - nice to know it wasn't just me overreacting. My oldest sister said mom tells her that all the time but she said she had no idea mom ever said to my face. My other sister said I could tell mom that I suspected she had a drinking/drug problem so that mom will begin concentrating all concerns toward her - ha!!
On another note, I bought some new workout video's last weekend and have yet to use them. However, I've dropped 2lbs so I am considering the purchase a success, I am planning on watching lots of crappy TV today with the video's beside me to see if the weight loss continues.
On another note, I bought some new workout video's last weekend and have yet to use them. However, I've dropped 2lbs so I am considering the purchase a success, I am planning on watching lots of crappy TV today with the video's beside me to see if the weight loss continues.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The green eyed monster
I have 3 close friends who are currently pregnant, all at various stages. I should be one of them. I should be bonding over pregnancy related issues, instead I avoid 2 of them as much as I can because their pregnancies only remind that I am not. No one wants to hear my pregnancy stories because they are unhappy ones, ones that scare people. Nobody wants to hear the tales of the habitual aborter (yes that is my official diagnosis - lovely). One of the girls is due in a few weeks and for some reason, she does not make me as jealous, I think it is because she was pregnant before I was so for some twisted reason, I am not as jealous. Her journey started before mine so I don't sit around being jealous as I watch her weeks go by, I don't sit there and think that is where I should be or where I have been b/c I have never been where she is at. I am jealous of the friend that is due a week after I was, jealous that her baby boy will be a constant reminder for the rest of my life of what I lost and every birthday party and major life event I attend for this child will be a reminder. I am jealous of my other friend because she got pregnant when I thought I would. I am so jealous I can't see straight and it is starting to consume me. Of course, it could also be the fact that I've been out of town for a week and all the alone time in my hotel room is causing me to dwell on the situation.
You see, I shouldn't be here right now, I should be at home with T. When I found out I was pregnant in August, I realized I probably wouldn't have to go on this out of town trip for work, I just knew the pregnancy was my ticket off this job. Of course, life had other plans so here I sit. In a hotel room. By myself. Not pregnant. Not how I imagined my life 4 months ago. When I had the miscarriage in early October, I assumed I would be pregnant again by Christmas or at the very least pregnant while on this trip. Because I knew if I was at least pregnant by this trip, then it would be my last one, I wouldn't have to travel up here anymore for work b/c I would be a mommy and would be taken off the travel list. Instead I am up here and I am angry. i think this will be my last time to travel up here, not because I will finally have a baby but because I think I am going to look for another job after tax season is over. I've given this job 7 years and I'm not sure what it's given me back.
You see, I shouldn't be here right now, I should be at home with T. When I found out I was pregnant in August, I realized I probably wouldn't have to go on this out of town trip for work, I just knew the pregnancy was my ticket off this job. Of course, life had other plans so here I sit. In a hotel room. By myself. Not pregnant. Not how I imagined my life 4 months ago. When I had the miscarriage in early October, I assumed I would be pregnant again by Christmas or at the very least pregnant while on this trip. Because I knew if I was at least pregnant by this trip, then it would be my last one, I wouldn't have to travel up here anymore for work b/c I would be a mommy and would be taken off the travel list. Instead I am up here and I am angry. i think this will be my last time to travel up here, not because I will finally have a baby but because I think I am going to look for another job after tax season is over. I've given this job 7 years and I'm not sure what it's given me back.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
First baby shower post miscarraige
I went to my first baby shower yesterday since the 2nd miscarriage. It was hard, but at the same time it made me realize I was starting to heal. I got a little sad seeing her open her gifts, knowing that my own baby shower would have been being planned right now and probably coming up in the next month or two. But at the same time, the friend who was having the shower has been a HUGE support to me during the m/c, probably more than she ever realized. I am happy for her and my happiness for her far outweighed my own sadness yesterday so I am hoping this means I am starting to get over the horribly selfish phase I have been in lately regarding the m/c. I'm sure the selfish phase will rear it's ugly head again soon but I am glad it wasn't around yesterday, nice to know it is not a permanent condition.
I've seen the following poem posted many times in regards to miscarraige and it really sums up how I've been feeling lately. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am not a poetry kind of gal, but when I read this one, it just clicked with me. It sums up my life perfectly and what life has taught me. Yes, my situation sucks and it's been hard to deal with, but on the other hand, it has shown me that I am not a weak person. After going through 2 m/c's, I know I am a stronger and maybe even a better person because of them.
My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I've seen the following poem posted many times in regards to miscarraige and it really sums up how I've been feeling lately. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am not a poetry kind of gal, but when I read this one, it just clicked with me. It sums up my life perfectly and what life has taught me. Yes, my situation sucks and it's been hard to deal with, but on the other hand, it has shown me that I am not a weak person. After going through 2 m/c's, I know I am a stronger and maybe even a better person because of them.
My Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I'm feeling like a Negative Nancy
I'm so irritated at the moment. I will most likely ovulate in 7 days and where will I be? On the road coming back from an out of town job. I leave tomorrow and will come back on Saturday, hopefully Friday, but I'm not even getting my hopes up. I'm already convinced that cycle #3 of trying to get pregnant since the miscarraige will be a bust due to the out of town travel. I just absolutely hate this, I'm not even getting a fair chance at it this month due to my stupid job. Grrrrrrr........ Oh yes, and I'm pretty sure I'll be leaving to return to this stupid out of job in a few weeks to finish up and with my luck it will be in the prime time of cycle #4.
I feel so stupid, since I always got pregnant accidentally in the past, I thought for sure that trying to get pregnant would be so easy. I've been charting and using OPK"s but no success. Don't get me wrong, I realize that 2 months is not a long time, I just wrongfully assumed that it would happen the first time and I'm just now realizing I need to accept the fact that this could take a few months. My RE has given me until April to get pregnant on my own, if I'm not pregnant by April, I am being put on clomid. I'm now telling myself that from now until April is just practice for clomid. And then my mind starts thinking ahead and I remember that T is out of town for most of May so probably no point on being on clomid in May since I don't think I want to take it for recreational purposes. Of course, if it turns out clomid gives me a high, I might just take it for fun after all in May. This was so much easier when I accidentally got pregnant, I much prefer that method.
Can you tell I am being negative today? I still have 3 months until April and I am already convinced it won't happen on my own, geez, I have a horrible attitude today.
I feel so stupid, since I always got pregnant accidentally in the past, I thought for sure that trying to get pregnant would be so easy. I've been charting and using OPK"s but no success. Don't get me wrong, I realize that 2 months is not a long time, I just wrongfully assumed that it would happen the first time and I'm just now realizing I need to accept the fact that this could take a few months. My RE has given me until April to get pregnant on my own, if I'm not pregnant by April, I am being put on clomid. I'm now telling myself that from now until April is just practice for clomid. And then my mind starts thinking ahead and I remember that T is out of town for most of May so probably no point on being on clomid in May since I don't think I want to take it for recreational purposes. Of course, if it turns out clomid gives me a high, I might just take it for fun after all in May. This was so much easier when I accidentally got pregnant, I much prefer that method.
Can you tell I am being negative today? I still have 3 months until April and I am already convinced it won't happen on my own, geez, I have a horrible attitude today.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
My Day in Numbers
1 - # of times my 69 year old client showed me that he could actually kick the top of a door frame. Seriously. I am in awe and now feel very inflexible.
1 - # of stories heard that involve injecting gecko lizards with alcohol and catching them on fire.
2 - # of co-workers who called me Sweetie
4 - # of times I cursed T for not being born wealthy or having a trust fund. If I didn't have to work, I could be a LWL (Lady Who Lunches), which sounds much better than being a CPA.
30 - # of minutes above mentioned client told me about his days of playing football with Bobby Robinson. Now I have no idea who Bobby Robinson is but I am assuming he is quite the football legend at some high school in southern Mississippi from the way my client was recapping the state championship football game of 1961. If anyone could please tell me who Bobby Robinson is, I would greatly appreciate it.
52 - # of times I daydreamed about quitting my stupid job.
233 - # of Kia invoices reviewed for dealer cost for a stupid tax computation.
4,582 - # of times I have cursed defective body.
As you can tell not much going on except for working and hating my defective body. The only good thing about torturous job is that it has been a distraction from hating defective body. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time as I usually do silently cursing it and I guess I should be thankful for that. However, did notice an additional 2 lbs have come from out of nowhere, this brings the post miscarraige weight gain to 8 lbs - GRRRRRRRR. If any of my blog readers has recently lost 2 lbs, you can take them back now, I am done with them. Thanks for the offer.
1 - # of stories heard that involve injecting gecko lizards with alcohol and catching them on fire.
2 - # of co-workers who called me Sweetie
4 - # of times I cursed T for not being born wealthy or having a trust fund. If I didn't have to work, I could be a LWL (Lady Who Lunches), which sounds much better than being a CPA.
30 - # of minutes above mentioned client told me about his days of playing football with Bobby Robinson. Now I have no idea who Bobby Robinson is but I am assuming he is quite the football legend at some high school in southern Mississippi from the way my client was recapping the state championship football game of 1961. If anyone could please tell me who Bobby Robinson is, I would greatly appreciate it.
52 - # of times I daydreamed about quitting my stupid job.
233 - # of Kia invoices reviewed for dealer cost for a stupid tax computation.
4,582 - # of times I have cursed defective body.
As you can tell not much going on except for working and hating my defective body. The only good thing about torturous job is that it has been a distraction from hating defective body. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time as I usually do silently cursing it and I guess I should be thankful for that. However, did notice an additional 2 lbs have come from out of nowhere, this brings the post miscarraige weight gain to 8 lbs - GRRRRRRRR. If any of my blog readers has recently lost 2 lbs, you can take them back now, I am done with them. Thanks for the offer.
Monday, January 21, 2008
As promised.....things that are pissing me off
I always promised my friends if I started a blog, it would only contain a list of things pissing me off so here it is, of course, I still haven't currently shared this blog with anyone I know in real life but I'm sure one day I will and they will be looking for this list:
1. Stupid people - self explanatory
2. Waking up to stupid headlines such as "Caffeine habit may increase risk of miscarriage" - that 's just freakin' great. Now I can expect to get such comments from friends and family like "maybe you drank too much caffeine while you were pregnant and that's what caused the miscarriages, next time don't drink so much. Cannot believe it, that should be posted under things that make me go GRRRRRRR.
3. Leggings - I don't get this new trend. I wore them in the 80's and when I see old pictures of myself in them, I wonder why my mother was so cruel and let me wear them. Of course, she also let me wear the oh-so-fashionable combination of red sweat pants with a rabbit fur coat to my friends 8th birthday party so I now seriously question myself as to why I ever let her dress me. They are not cute, really, or at least they weren't cute on my 8 year old self.
4. My mean spiteful body - I still haven't forgiven you for completing farking with me lately. War has been declared, I will one day win. The stupid spotting from 2DPO till the end of my cycle will NOT happen this next cycle, I've been put on the good hormones, consider yourself warned. Current Score: Body - 1, JAMS - 0
5. Alarm clocks - I think mine broke this morning, while I loved sleeping in, it also forced me to stay at work later.
6. Work - it's tax season and my job really sucks.
7. Coworkers that don't speak English - once again, self-explanatory.
On a positive note, things that made me giggle today:
1. I just noticed the new tampons I bought have inspirations sayings on the packaging. One earlier today said "Get in the Game", seriously. It also "Develop a Bold Attitude", I'm now going to look to my tampons for inspiration and cheerleading. I accidentally bought the Playtex Sport, had no idea it came with phrases, what an odd thing to include on a tampon. On another note, I feel very athletic while wearing said tampon, I didn't trip or fall all day, which for me, is miraculous.
2. While looking for toilet paper earlier at Target, I finally found the toilet paper under the aisle that said cleaning products. I don't know why I found this funny, I just did.
3. Open-toed thong sandals........with pantyhose.......in the middle of winter - self explanatory
1. Stupid people - self explanatory
2. Waking up to stupid headlines such as "Caffeine habit may increase risk of miscarriage" - that 's just freakin' great. Now I can expect to get such comments from friends and family like "maybe you drank too much caffeine while you were pregnant and that's what caused the miscarriages, next time don't drink so much. Cannot believe it, that should be posted under things that make me go GRRRRRRR.
3. Leggings - I don't get this new trend. I wore them in the 80's and when I see old pictures of myself in them, I wonder why my mother was so cruel and let me wear them. Of course, she also let me wear the oh-so-fashionable combination of red sweat pants with a rabbit fur coat to my friends 8th birthday party so I now seriously question myself as to why I ever let her dress me. They are not cute, really, or at least they weren't cute on my 8 year old self.
4. My mean spiteful body - I still haven't forgiven you for completing farking with me lately. War has been declared, I will one day win. The stupid spotting from 2DPO till the end of my cycle will NOT happen this next cycle, I've been put on the good hormones, consider yourself warned. Current Score: Body - 1, JAMS - 0
5. Alarm clocks - I think mine broke this morning, while I loved sleeping in, it also forced me to stay at work later.
6. Work - it's tax season and my job really sucks.
7. Coworkers that don't speak English - once again, self-explanatory.
On a positive note, things that made me giggle today:
1. I just noticed the new tampons I bought have inspirations sayings on the packaging. One earlier today said "Get in the Game", seriously. It also "Develop a Bold Attitude", I'm now going to look to my tampons for inspiration and cheerleading. I accidentally bought the Playtex Sport, had no idea it came with phrases, what an odd thing to include on a tampon. On another note, I feel very athletic while wearing said tampon, I didn't trip or fall all day, which for me, is miraculous.
2. While looking for toilet paper earlier at Target, I finally found the toilet paper under the aisle that said cleaning products. I don't know why I found this funny, I just did.
3. Open-toed thong sandals........with pantyhose.......in the middle of winter - self explanatory
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Membership to an exclusive club that I never wanted to join
I am planning on writing down all of the details of my 2nd pregnancy today. I feel the need to write this down because there is alot I have forgotten about the 1st. I guess maybe I should take it as a good sign that I don't remember the exact date of my 1st D&C, I could look it up, I remember it was on a Wednesday and I threw my friend a wedding shower that Saturday night. I still have the invitation saved on my computer so I could go look it up but I just can't bring myself to do it. I already have so many sad dates running through my head that I don't want to have another to add to the list. I already remember I found out I was pregnant on February 14, 2004 with an expected due date of September 22, just one day after my mother's birthday. That would have been a great birthday present to give her but unfortunately God had other plans for that gift. I think I shut myself off a little bit after that 1st miscarriage, the pain was too much to deal with so I didn't talk about it very often, I just dived head first into life and didn't dwell on it. I thought it was just a fluke thing that happened. The pregnancy gods say that 1 in 5 end in miscarriage. I grew up on the same street as 4 other girls, all the same age, we were friends throughout childhood. Out of the 5, I am the one that had the miscarriage, I figured I took one for the team and that next time everything would be okay because nobody miscarries twice right?
So wrong!!! It is August 31st, 2007, and I go to my annual check up. I had decided to change doctor's because I had decided my old doctor wasn't listening properly to my compliants regarding my screwy cycle. Her advice was always to go back on the Pill, which I explained earlier is an enemy of mine. I wanted her to investigate the problems, not mask them with the Pill so I switched doctors. One of my best friends had recently been diagnosed with cancer at age 28, this news shook me to my core and after many discussions with T, we (okay, me) had decided we might start trying to have a baby in the next year because my friends diagnosis made me realize how life can change in an instant and maybe I shouldn't keep putting off having a baby, afterall my 30th birthday is fast approaching and I always thought I would have kids before 30. So I switch doctors. The first visit to my new ob/gyn, the nurse is reading my chart and asks me if i realize my period is late. I say I know it is a couple of days late but my cycle has been really odd lately so I am not surprised. Well, apparently this triggered them to run a pregnancy test on me. As I am complaining to my new doc about my erratic periods, the nurse comes running in to tell me that i am pregnant. I seriously thought I might fall off the exam table at that news. Once again, I feel like the idiot who doesn't know she is pregnant. The first word out of my mouth is "Oh, crap!". That's right, those are the oh-so-excited words that came to my mind when I heard the news. For anyone who has never had a miscarriage, you might think how awful of me to say that, but to those who have been unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage understand. The fear that I had when I heard the word pregnant more than outweighed the excitement. Since I now had a history of miscarriage on my record, that means I was now going to be closely monitored until a viability ultrasound could be performed. This means constant bloodwork. My progesterone was great and my HCG was doubling just like it should. I still had few symptoms but my hormones were doing what they were supposed to. But the prior miscarriage has robbed me of all joy of this early pregnancy, I life in a constant state of terror, constantly checking for bleeding and worrying about symptoms. I am no longer naive and innocent when it comes to pregnancy, i am completely jaded because I have had the worst fears confirmed by going in to a u/s and hearing that my baby has died. I am constantly thinking of the 1st miscarriage and am so scared of it happening again. The few people that know I am pregnant keep telling me to relax, that everything is going to be okay, so I pretend that I think everything is okay while inside I am a basket case.
T. tells everyone he knows that we are going to be parents on May 5th, same day as one of my nieces birthday. I have told very few people, I don't even tell my family because a part of me still doesn't believe it will happen and I don't want to have make the phone call I did last time. Our viability ultrasound is scheduled for 7 weeks. We go to the ultrasound, I am cautiously expecting good news because I have read the stats. The stats say you only have a 5 - 10% chance of having 2 miscarriages in a row. I feel confident I am not that unlucky but I want that u/s as reassurance that everything is okay. As soon as the u/s tech finds the baby, I ask if there is a heartbeat and she replies yes. At this, I let out a huge sigh of a relief and start to get excited. she says the heartbeat is 88 which is low so now I have to go back and meet with the doctor. I have no idea what low heartbeat means, I am confused but feel so much better that there is heartbeat since we didn't get this far last time. Of course, my doctor is in surgery so we meet with a nurse, the nurse says hopefully it is just that the heart has just started beating so that is why it is low and we need to come back next week to have another u/s to make sure the heartbeat increases. This should have been warning siren but I believe the nurse and decide to not worry about the low heartbeat so we leave and immediately go tell my family. They are all ecstatic.
Since I am a google addict, I go home and google heartbeat of 88 at 7 weeks and that's when my world starts to crumble. 80% miscarriage rate. Oh holy hell, it's going to happen again. The doctor personally calls me the next morning and asks if I have any questions about the ultrasound, I ask her about the increased miscarriage rate and she confirms there is an increased risk and tells me to stay off google because it will just scare me. I know I should follow her advice but I can't, I keep looking for hope with a low heartbeat and I don't find it. We go back the next week, I am bracing for the worst, but hoping for the best, the baby has apparently stopped developing at 6 weeks and the heartbeat is now 77. We are told the baby will die, there is no hope. I am crushed, we have to go back and sit in the waiting room to talk to the doctor to discuss options. It is at this moment that I become hyper-aware of all of the pregnant people in the waiting room. Tons of them and there is a lot of happy looking couples in there that have also just received the new pregnancy packet that we received last week. I want to crawl into a hole and die so I don't have to sit here and be surrounded by pregnant people. T trys to console me by telling me everyone is wrong and our baby just has a low heartbeat b/c it is obviously an athlete. Bless his heart, he was trying but seriously, anyone who has met me or my family knows the chances of me giving birth to the next super athlete are slim.
The hospital where my ob/gyn is located is catholic, so we are informed that we cannot do anything about the pregnancy until I start to miscarry on my own or the heartbeat stops. Great, more waiting. We go back a week later, the heartbeat has gone back up to 88, yet the baby has still not grown since 6 weeks. I am now pissed, the anger is more than the pain at this point. That night, I am driving home after having dinner with my parents when I am hit with pain I have never experienced before. I feel like my abdomen is being ripped in 2. Tears come to my eyes and I seriously consider pulling over and calling T to come pick me up. The horrendous pain begins to subside so I call T crying, I am almost home so I continue driving and the pain just stops. I have no bleeding so I don't call the doctor, we are supposed to go back next week for yet another ultrasound to see if the heartbeat is gone so we can schedule the D&C. The next night, i am out with some friends when the bleeding begins. At this stage of the game, I am absolutely relieved that this ordeal will have some closure soon, I am thankful to see the bleeding, unfortunately the pain comes back as well. The horrible cramping begins again but goes away, nothing as severe as the night before. I go back into the doctor the next day and the heartbeat has finally stopped. I am so thankful to schedule the D&C and to have this traumatic pregnancy finally come to an end. 3 weeks of being in limbo was too much and I am now officially traumatized by anything involving pregnancy.
I have now had 2 miscarriages and for a while I considered myself a freak. Friends and family after a miscarriage are an odd thing. You find support from people you never expect, while those that you think you can rely on fail you. You learn to be careful about who you talk about miscarriage to b/c people unintentionally say very hurtful things. You realize they have good intentions and are really trying to be helpful, but in fact it just hurts. If I hear one more time "At least you know you can get pregnant" I will absolutely scream. It is not comforting to know I can get pregnant since I cannot stay pregnant. The only people I can handle hearing that sentence from is people I know that are struggling to get pregnant, I realize from their perspective, just getting pregnant would be a miracle. Or another personal favorite is when people ask if I miscarried because I didn't take my PNV's like i should. Wow, thanks for making me feel like I caused the miscarriage, that was extremely helpful. I begin searching for other freaks like me and I find them on the internet of all places. I stumble upon a message board that is full of other girls that have had miscarriages, most have only had one but there are numerous girls that have had multiple miscarriages and they are trying again. I am inspired. I have never been someone that talks on message boards but I begin lurking and reading these posts make me realize I am not a freak and that my thoughts and feelings after this traumatic event are normal. I am so thankful to realize I am not alone. These girls have inspired me to start this blog after reading theirs. Their posts have helped me so much that I hope one day this blog can help others going through this process too. Everyday gets easier, and I know now that I will get through this and soon there will be days where I don't sit here and think, I should have a 3 1/2 year old and be 25 weeks pregnant. I just have to give it time and heal on my own time table. Before I was trying to make myself feel bad for not being over it, but now I realize it's okay that I am not over it. This pain will take months to heal and it is normal. I just need to realize that I will have good days and bad days and that as long as the good days continue to outweigh the bad, then I am doing okay.
Wow, if I had realized blogging was free therapy I would have done this months ago.
So wrong!!! It is August 31st, 2007, and I go to my annual check up. I had decided to change doctor's because I had decided my old doctor wasn't listening properly to my compliants regarding my screwy cycle. Her advice was always to go back on the Pill, which I explained earlier is an enemy of mine. I wanted her to investigate the problems, not mask them with the Pill so I switched doctors. One of my best friends had recently been diagnosed with cancer at age 28, this news shook me to my core and after many discussions with T, we (okay, me) had decided we might start trying to have a baby in the next year because my friends diagnosis made me realize how life can change in an instant and maybe I shouldn't keep putting off having a baby, afterall my 30th birthday is fast approaching and I always thought I would have kids before 30. So I switch doctors. The first visit to my new ob/gyn, the nurse is reading my chart and asks me if i realize my period is late. I say I know it is a couple of days late but my cycle has been really odd lately so I am not surprised. Well, apparently this triggered them to run a pregnancy test on me. As I am complaining to my new doc about my erratic periods, the nurse comes running in to tell me that i am pregnant. I seriously thought I might fall off the exam table at that news. Once again, I feel like the idiot who doesn't know she is pregnant. The first word out of my mouth is "Oh, crap!". That's right, those are the oh-so-excited words that came to my mind when I heard the news. For anyone who has never had a miscarriage, you might think how awful of me to say that, but to those who have been unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage understand. The fear that I had when I heard the word pregnant more than outweighed the excitement. Since I now had a history of miscarriage on my record, that means I was now going to be closely monitored until a viability ultrasound could be performed. This means constant bloodwork. My progesterone was great and my HCG was doubling just like it should. I still had few symptoms but my hormones were doing what they were supposed to. But the prior miscarriage has robbed me of all joy of this early pregnancy, I life in a constant state of terror, constantly checking for bleeding and worrying about symptoms. I am no longer naive and innocent when it comes to pregnancy, i am completely jaded because I have had the worst fears confirmed by going in to a u/s and hearing that my baby has died. I am constantly thinking of the 1st miscarriage and am so scared of it happening again. The few people that know I am pregnant keep telling me to relax, that everything is going to be okay, so I pretend that I think everything is okay while inside I am a basket case.
T. tells everyone he knows that we are going to be parents on May 5th, same day as one of my nieces birthday. I have told very few people, I don't even tell my family because a part of me still doesn't believe it will happen and I don't want to have make the phone call I did last time. Our viability ultrasound is scheduled for 7 weeks. We go to the ultrasound, I am cautiously expecting good news because I have read the stats. The stats say you only have a 5 - 10% chance of having 2 miscarriages in a row. I feel confident I am not that unlucky but I want that u/s as reassurance that everything is okay. As soon as the u/s tech finds the baby, I ask if there is a heartbeat and she replies yes. At this, I let out a huge sigh of a relief and start to get excited. she says the heartbeat is 88 which is low so now I have to go back and meet with the doctor. I have no idea what low heartbeat means, I am confused but feel so much better that there is heartbeat since we didn't get this far last time. Of course, my doctor is in surgery so we meet with a nurse, the nurse says hopefully it is just that the heart has just started beating so that is why it is low and we need to come back next week to have another u/s to make sure the heartbeat increases. This should have been warning siren but I believe the nurse and decide to not worry about the low heartbeat so we leave and immediately go tell my family. They are all ecstatic.
Since I am a google addict, I go home and google heartbeat of 88 at 7 weeks and that's when my world starts to crumble. 80% miscarriage rate. Oh holy hell, it's going to happen again. The doctor personally calls me the next morning and asks if I have any questions about the ultrasound, I ask her about the increased miscarriage rate and she confirms there is an increased risk and tells me to stay off google because it will just scare me. I know I should follow her advice but I can't, I keep looking for hope with a low heartbeat and I don't find it. We go back the next week, I am bracing for the worst, but hoping for the best, the baby has apparently stopped developing at 6 weeks and the heartbeat is now 77. We are told the baby will die, there is no hope. I am crushed, we have to go back and sit in the waiting room to talk to the doctor to discuss options. It is at this moment that I become hyper-aware of all of the pregnant people in the waiting room. Tons of them and there is a lot of happy looking couples in there that have also just received the new pregnancy packet that we received last week. I want to crawl into a hole and die so I don't have to sit here and be surrounded by pregnant people. T trys to console me by telling me everyone is wrong and our baby just has a low heartbeat b/c it is obviously an athlete. Bless his heart, he was trying but seriously, anyone who has met me or my family knows the chances of me giving birth to the next super athlete are slim.
The hospital where my ob/gyn is located is catholic, so we are informed that we cannot do anything about the pregnancy until I start to miscarry on my own or the heartbeat stops. Great, more waiting. We go back a week later, the heartbeat has gone back up to 88, yet the baby has still not grown since 6 weeks. I am now pissed, the anger is more than the pain at this point. That night, I am driving home after having dinner with my parents when I am hit with pain I have never experienced before. I feel like my abdomen is being ripped in 2. Tears come to my eyes and I seriously consider pulling over and calling T to come pick me up. The horrendous pain begins to subside so I call T crying, I am almost home so I continue driving and the pain just stops. I have no bleeding so I don't call the doctor, we are supposed to go back next week for yet another ultrasound to see if the heartbeat is gone so we can schedule the D&C. The next night, i am out with some friends when the bleeding begins. At this stage of the game, I am absolutely relieved that this ordeal will have some closure soon, I am thankful to see the bleeding, unfortunately the pain comes back as well. The horrible cramping begins again but goes away, nothing as severe as the night before. I go back into the doctor the next day and the heartbeat has finally stopped. I am so thankful to schedule the D&C and to have this traumatic pregnancy finally come to an end. 3 weeks of being in limbo was too much and I am now officially traumatized by anything involving pregnancy.
I have now had 2 miscarriages and for a while I considered myself a freak. Friends and family after a miscarriage are an odd thing. You find support from people you never expect, while those that you think you can rely on fail you. You learn to be careful about who you talk about miscarriage to b/c people unintentionally say very hurtful things. You realize they have good intentions and are really trying to be helpful, but in fact it just hurts. If I hear one more time "At least you know you can get pregnant" I will absolutely scream. It is not comforting to know I can get pregnant since I cannot stay pregnant. The only people I can handle hearing that sentence from is people I know that are struggling to get pregnant, I realize from their perspective, just getting pregnant would be a miracle. Or another personal favorite is when people ask if I miscarried because I didn't take my PNV's like i should. Wow, thanks for making me feel like I caused the miscarriage, that was extremely helpful. I begin searching for other freaks like me and I find them on the internet of all places. I stumble upon a message board that is full of other girls that have had miscarriages, most have only had one but there are numerous girls that have had multiple miscarriages and they are trying again. I am inspired. I have never been someone that talks on message boards but I begin lurking and reading these posts make me realize I am not a freak and that my thoughts and feelings after this traumatic event are normal. I am so thankful to realize I am not alone. These girls have inspired me to start this blog after reading theirs. Their posts have helped me so much that I hope one day this blog can help others going through this process too. Everyday gets easier, and I know now that I will get through this and soon there will be days where I don't sit here and think, I should have a 3 1/2 year old and be 25 weeks pregnant. I just have to give it time and heal on my own time table. Before I was trying to make myself feel bad for not being over it, but now I realize it's okay that I am not over it. This pain will take months to heal and it is normal. I just need to realize that I will have good days and bad days and that as long as the good days continue to outweigh the bad, then I am doing okay.
Wow, if I had realized blogging was free therapy I would have done this months ago.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
First Thoughts, first pregnancy and super powers
I've been thinking about starting a blog for a few months now. I've recently suffered my 2nd miscarriage and I find myself thinking about this and other related issues constantly. I've begun reading other blogs related to IF (infertility) and RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) and it has helped me so much to read others peoples struggles and realize that I am not alone. I hope one day, this blog will help and inspire others who also struggle with RPL. So I thought that for the first entry, I would start with the first pregnancy since this is where it all began......
It is early February 2004, tax season. I HATE tax season, but that is another post. One of my co-workers complains about her period. I'm listening and nodding in agreement when it dawns on me that I usually have my period around the same time as she does. I start thinking back and it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea when I last had my period. In my foggy recollection, I think it may have been December. It is at this point I break into a cold sweat. I'm suddenly imagining headlines like "Idiot Accountant Doesn't Realize She's Pregnant, Gives Birth on Tax Return, Client Very Pissed." I decide to push such insane thoughts out of my head and go on with my day. I rationalize to myself that I don't feel pregnant and since I just went off the Pill in November, it is probably just a wacky cycle. I mention it to T (my husband) that I don't remember when I last had my period, he starts laughing, well sort-of, and informs me that he will start keeping up with my cycle if I can't keep up with it. He asks if I am pregnant b/c he has noticed I have recently developed backne. Nice. A few days later on a Saturday I finally give in and pee on a stick and am stunned when it turns up positive. The cold sweat from a few days earlier returns. All of the sudden, my recollection becomes crystal clear and I remember some random spotting a few weeks back. I have no other pregnancy symptoms, except the backne which T has so lovingly pointed out to me, I think I am lucky.
I call the doctor on Monday to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test. They start asking questions about date of last cycle, blah, blah and I feel like a complete moron that I can't remember. While the nurse is trying to figure out when to schedule an appt, I mention I think I had some spotting a few weeks ago. She asks alot of questions and in my clueless state, I have no idea I should be concerned. She tells me to go immediately to ultrasound the following morning. That should have set off a warning siren in my head. So the next morning, me and T head into the ultrasound with no clue of what to expect. They first start trying the ultrasound with the scanner over the belly. The u/s tech can't see anything so she tells me she is going to have to use "the wand". For anyone that has never had the luck to experience to "the wand", let me explain. The wand is used for u/s taken through your hoo-haa. Me and the u/s tech have to constanty remind T to stay near my head while the wand is trying to locate the baby, this is very annoying. He's not trying to check me out getting violated by the wand, he is just trying to see the screen. Unfortunately, there is nothing to see on the screen. I am measuring approx 8 weeks pregnant (ha! I knew I had had a period in December) but there is no baby, there is only a sack measuring 5 weeks and no fetal pole. At the time I have no idea what this means, although I know it isn't good. I meet with the doctor and she explains that situation does not look good. She tells me to come back in a week for another u/s but to not expect good news. I think my Dr sucks at telling people bad news. She proceeds to tell me to still "act" like I am pregnant although I probably won't be much longer and gives me prenatal vitamins. I am seriously so shocked and confused at this point I don't know what to say so I take the vitamins and check out. Of course, at check out, I run into one of my pregnant friends and she immediately knows I am pregnant since T is with me and I have tons of PNV samples in my hand. That was alot of fun explaining to hear that although I was currently pregnant, I probably wouldn't be much longer. Very awkward conversation to have with somebody that I am currently planning a baby shower for.
We go back a week later, expecting bad news and get it, diagnosis of miscarriage #1 is official. There has been no progress, still no baby, I am scheduled for a D&C that Wednesday since my body doesn't appear to be rejecting the pregnancy on its own. In less than 2 weeks time I go from being so scared and excitedly nervous b/c I thought I was pregnant to being so scared and nervous b/c I am now having a miscarriage. Within a 6 month span, me and two sister in laws all have miscarriages. We hadn't told our families about the pregnancy but we decide to tell the night before the D&C, for some reason, we feel they should know. It is an awful series of phone calls that I never want to make again. There is nothing as sad as calling your family to tell them the new grandchild they had been wanting was actually here but it is now gone. Very difficult, especially for people like me that can't handle people crying on me. I am absolutely amazing on the phone, I don't break down and cry at all while telling my parents and sisters, I feel like superwoman, able to turn off emotions at will. It is at this time, that I discover that I possess the super power of being able to talk rationally to people about this subject without having a complete breakdown. Of course, the super power fails me when it is just me and T and I am an absolute wreck, but I am thankful that T allows me to be a wreck b/c I need that outlet.
The D&C turned out to be the easiest part of the whole miscarriage experience and I thought that would be the hardest. Wow, was I ever wrong. Nobody talks about the aftermath of a miscarriage. It is like a dirty little secret that no one ever talks about openly. The dr. prepares you for bleeding and stuff like that, but they don't prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you will soon be experiencing. Nor do the tell you that body absolutely freaks out afterwards. I decide to go back on the Pill, my arch-nemesis. Me and the Pill used to do battle every month and every month it would win with its migraine and vomit inducing hormones. But I am so scared about accidentally getting pregnant again that I decide the battle is worth it b/c I don't think I can handle going through a miscarriage again. I think to myself, that next time, we will plan to have a baby and I will be prepared and I will not go through that traumatic experience again. I stay on the Pill for another two years when I finally give up the battle and declare the Pill the winner, I am tired of the vomiting, constant nausea, breakthrough bleeding, migraines and every other stupid side effect that I am lucky enough to experience no matter what brand I am on. We are still too scared to try to have a baby so we are careful, or at least we thought we were careful until I find out on August 31, 2007 that I am accidentally pregnant again.
It is early February 2004, tax season. I HATE tax season, but that is another post. One of my co-workers complains about her period. I'm listening and nodding in agreement when it dawns on me that I usually have my period around the same time as she does. I start thinking back and it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea when I last had my period. In my foggy recollection, I think it may have been December. It is at this point I break into a cold sweat. I'm suddenly imagining headlines like "Idiot Accountant Doesn't Realize She's Pregnant, Gives Birth on Tax Return, Client Very Pissed." I decide to push such insane thoughts out of my head and go on with my day. I rationalize to myself that I don't feel pregnant and since I just went off the Pill in November, it is probably just a wacky cycle. I mention it to T (my husband) that I don't remember when I last had my period, he starts laughing, well sort-of, and informs me that he will start keeping up with my cycle if I can't keep up with it. He asks if I am pregnant b/c he has noticed I have recently developed backne. Nice. A few days later on a Saturday I finally give in and pee on a stick and am stunned when it turns up positive. The cold sweat from a few days earlier returns. All of the sudden, my recollection becomes crystal clear and I remember some random spotting a few weeks back. I have no other pregnancy symptoms, except the backne which T has so lovingly pointed out to me, I think I am lucky.
I call the doctor on Monday to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test. They start asking questions about date of last cycle, blah, blah and I feel like a complete moron that I can't remember. While the nurse is trying to figure out when to schedule an appt, I mention I think I had some spotting a few weeks ago. She asks alot of questions and in my clueless state, I have no idea I should be concerned. She tells me to go immediately to ultrasound the following morning. That should have set off a warning siren in my head. So the next morning, me and T head into the ultrasound with no clue of what to expect. They first start trying the ultrasound with the scanner over the belly. The u/s tech can't see anything so she tells me she is going to have to use "the wand". For anyone that has never had the luck to experience to "the wand", let me explain. The wand is used for u/s taken through your hoo-haa. Me and the u/s tech have to constanty remind T to stay near my head while the wand is trying to locate the baby, this is very annoying. He's not trying to check me out getting violated by the wand, he is just trying to see the screen. Unfortunately, there is nothing to see on the screen. I am measuring approx 8 weeks pregnant (ha! I knew I had had a period in December) but there is no baby, there is only a sack measuring 5 weeks and no fetal pole. At the time I have no idea what this means, although I know it isn't good. I meet with the doctor and she explains that situation does not look good. She tells me to come back in a week for another u/s but to not expect good news. I think my Dr sucks at telling people bad news. She proceeds to tell me to still "act" like I am pregnant although I probably won't be much longer and gives me prenatal vitamins. I am seriously so shocked and confused at this point I don't know what to say so I take the vitamins and check out. Of course, at check out, I run into one of my pregnant friends and she immediately knows I am pregnant since T is with me and I have tons of PNV samples in my hand. That was alot of fun explaining to hear that although I was currently pregnant, I probably wouldn't be much longer. Very awkward conversation to have with somebody that I am currently planning a baby shower for.
We go back a week later, expecting bad news and get it, diagnosis of miscarriage #1 is official. There has been no progress, still no baby, I am scheduled for a D&C that Wednesday since my body doesn't appear to be rejecting the pregnancy on its own. In less than 2 weeks time I go from being so scared and excitedly nervous b/c I thought I was pregnant to being so scared and nervous b/c I am now having a miscarriage. Within a 6 month span, me and two sister in laws all have miscarriages. We hadn't told our families about the pregnancy but we decide to tell the night before the D&C, for some reason, we feel they should know. It is an awful series of phone calls that I never want to make again. There is nothing as sad as calling your family to tell them the new grandchild they had been wanting was actually here but it is now gone. Very difficult, especially for people like me that can't handle people crying on me. I am absolutely amazing on the phone, I don't break down and cry at all while telling my parents and sisters, I feel like superwoman, able to turn off emotions at will. It is at this time, that I discover that I possess the super power of being able to talk rationally to people about this subject without having a complete breakdown. Of course, the super power fails me when it is just me and T and I am an absolute wreck, but I am thankful that T allows me to be a wreck b/c I need that outlet.
The D&C turned out to be the easiest part of the whole miscarriage experience and I thought that would be the hardest. Wow, was I ever wrong. Nobody talks about the aftermath of a miscarriage. It is like a dirty little secret that no one ever talks about openly. The dr. prepares you for bleeding and stuff like that, but they don't prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you will soon be experiencing. Nor do the tell you that body absolutely freaks out afterwards. I decide to go back on the Pill, my arch-nemesis. Me and the Pill used to do battle every month and every month it would win with its migraine and vomit inducing hormones. But I am so scared about accidentally getting pregnant again that I decide the battle is worth it b/c I don't think I can handle going through a miscarriage again. I think to myself, that next time, we will plan to have a baby and I will be prepared and I will not go through that traumatic experience again. I stay on the Pill for another two years when I finally give up the battle and declare the Pill the winner, I am tired of the vomiting, constant nausea, breakthrough bleeding, migraines and every other stupid side effect that I am lucky enough to experience no matter what brand I am on. We are still too scared to try to have a baby so we are careful, or at least we thought we were careful until I find out on August 31, 2007 that I am accidentally pregnant again.
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