D&C is over, just waiting on the real fun to begin. Since I have been through this before, I know the worst is yet to come, the dreaded hormone crash. I'm pretty sure the crash has already started b/c I feel like an absolute nut case. I'm fine one minute, crying for the next 5 minutes, angry at the world for another 10 minutes and then go back to fine. It sucks. I HATE this phase. I took me months to get through this phase last time and I am not looking forward to repeating it so soon. Just another gripe to add to the list of things that suck about miscarriage. Speaking of which, I think I will start the list now:
1. Losing the baby - self explanatory and it sucks the big one.
2. Loss of innocence regarding pregnancy - I now have no innocence, I know bad things happen and pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm totally jaded.
3. Trying to act normal afterwards - miscarriage changes you, yet people expect you to act like everything is normal and get on with your life.
4. The Deafening Silence - there are always some people that you are astounded by how they react which is they say nothing and don't acknowledge your loss. Silence is loud, very loud.
5. Pads - after a D&C you can't wear tampons, so you have to wear a pad, I feel like I'm in middle school all over again.
6. No sex - self explanatory. Just when I feel totally alone and really need intimacy, put on the injured reserve list for 2 weeks.
Sidenote: Afer a D&C, they always go over a list of things that you cannot put in your hoo-haa for at least 2 weeks due to risk of infection. It always makes me wonder that after the 2 weeks can I put just any old thing up there???? Always wondered what else the doctor's are referring to....
7. Changes - your body freaks out and suddenly decides it hates you. Acne, weight gain, hair loss, etc, etc.
8. Wacky cycles - further proof your body hates you, you have no idea when your cycle will return, and once it does, there is no guarantee it will be normal for months.
9. Doctor's visits - I now have no modesty regarding my girlie parts. I think everyone in town has seen them at this point I've had so many vag ultrasounds and pelvic exams, I don't know why I bother to wear to pants now.
10. Paranoia that pregnant people stalk you - after a loss, pregnant people come out of everywhere in an attempt to torture you. It's not fair, it's really not.
11. Pitying looks - when you tell people what has happened, you get the look of pity. That awful look that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. It's awful, I hate the pity look. Sometimes I'd rather hear a dumb ass comment than receive the "look of pity".
12. "Helpful" suggestions - I use the word "helpful" loosely. People that have every intention of being helpful will offer up helpful suggestions of what to try next time or why you miscarried. If the suggestion is really dumb, I think it should be legal to bite the person.
That's all I have at the moment, if anyone knows of any other sucky things regarding miscarriage that I have forgotten, please let me know and I will be glad to update the list. Right now my mind has gone blank.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
D&C scheduled
Yay!!! Yes and I mean yay. This means closure and I desperately need that. This waiting for a week and half has sucked, big time. Of course, it is still better than the last time when I had to wait 3 weeks for the heartbeat to stop, now that was torture. The week and a half wait has been a cake walk compared to that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Frustration
I'm in this strange place right now emotionally. I realize I will be having a D&C soon yet I don't think it has fully set in yet that it has really happened again. It still seems very surreal, it feels like years ago I thought I was pregnant and going to have a baby, now it just seems like I was never pregnant this past time and I'm just going for some random outpatient surgery next week. Very odd.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
So much for 3rd times the charm.....
Went for my 4th ultrasound this morning, yes that's right 4th. After 2 previous losses, the powers that be go way out of their way to make you feel as freakish as possible and bring you in constantly for monitoring. 4 ultrasounds at approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant, that's more than most people have all pregnancy. Anyway, 4th ultrasound reconfirmed my fear of the ultrasound machine, they are mean, viscious machines that should be feared, I will probably have nightmares about them tonight. The heartbeat we saw last Friday is gone, it apparently stopped sometime on Friday too. I'm shocked and numb at the moment. I never got excited about this pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was too scared to let it happen, I kept telling myself it would be okay, especially after we saw the heartbeat but I was still scared to get excited. I guess my instincts were right.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
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