Eggshells

Last night T tells me that our step-SIL is pregnant. Again. She just had her 1st child in May, 2 weeks after my 2nd EDD. Now, I will be the first one to admit, that I handled the news of her first pregnancy badly. There was lots of crying involved, but I was told 2 weeks after my 2nd m/c, which was an extremely long, emotionally draining event. It was devastating to hear that I would have to watch my step-SIL go through her pregnancy, knowing that I should be right there with her and watch the excited faces of all of family members. It sucked. It still pains me to see her beautiful little girl, I haven't even been able to bring myself to hold her yet. But, back to present day. T tells me and I just laugh b/c it was so quick. T is then surprised that I have not broken down into a big mess. I told him, it's different this time, I'm not supposed to be pregnant too, I won't lie, it does sting a little but not nearly the gut wrenching pain/jealousy I felt the first time, not even close. He then brought up the time he told me our neighbor was pregnant and I went to pieces, once again, this was 1 week after the 3rd m/c and she is due 1 week before I was. She's even having a little boy like we were, I tried to explain to him that certain situations were harder to hear about but I don't think he understood at all.

I then find out he has know for over a month. A MONTH!!!! Turns out he and his family have been scared to tell me. Now I'm just pissed and embarassed that they felt like they couldn't tell me. T keeps telling me that sometimes I act sad and depressed. I still get sad sometimes, yes, but it is normal, I've had a terrible year, cut me some slack. T is always telling me I keep everything inside and he never knows how I feel so I make an effort and now I am being treated with kids gloves. He claims he is walking on eggshells. I think this has more to do with his growing up with a manic-depressive father and he doesn't know how to handle emotions very well but I don't know.

Looking back, after the 2nd m/c I did go through a horrible phase, it was a m/c that involved a low heart beat that took almost a month to go away and next thing I knew the holiday season was upon us. During this time, I found out one of my best friends was pregnant, due on my due date may I add, my step SIL was pregnant and due 2 weeks after me and then another good friend also announced she was pregnant. I had a horrible holiday season of 2007 and I was not in a good place. I am no longer in that bad place and I don't think T fully believes me. I think he is so concerned that I am going to slip back into that zone that he is being overly cautious with me and it's not doing either one of us any good. I'm now too embarassed to even talk to his family, I'm convinced that they now all think I am a complete wacko. Will life ever get uncomplicated?