Whispers

Maybe I am over thinking things too much but this is really bothering me lately. With the first m/c I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, we weren't trying to get pregnant and I just assumed it was a fluke and I probably didn't deal with it the way I should have. When the 2nd one happened, I was beyond devastated, I had no idea it could happen twice. It opened up wounds from the 1st one that I didn't even know I had. When the 2nd one happend, I felt so alone, I didn't know anyone that had ever had 2. After the 2nd one and the 3rd miscarriages, I decided to talk more about the experience, the aftermath, all the testing and that's when people would whisper into my ear that they knew of someone that this had happened to and yada, yada, yada. It took me bringing up the subject to hear of other stories of people like me, which for anyone that has been through this knows how hard it is to bring this subject up. Since then, I've decided to be more open about my inability to sustain a pregnancy and my experiences in the infertility world. I hope that since I am more vocal about it, I can one day help someone that is in my unfortunate situation and they will know that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when people would finally confide and whisper to me that they had been in my shoes but it sure would've been nice to know it ahead of time. I would've like to have those stories running through my head as I sat there, numb, looking at an ultrasound screen of yet another heartbeat that has stopped. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone.

I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.