Stupid Ta-Ta's

I keep poking at my BB's to see if they are sore yet, and of course, they feel just fine. Look completely normal, small as usual. I just wish I would hurry up and get some symptoms b/c feeling normal is just freaking me out. I hope Wednesday gets here soon so I can get my 2nd beta's done, hopefully that will give me a little comfort.

Hmmmmm......

I can't believe it, I took a home pregnancy test Tuesday night and it came up positive. Being the neurotic that I am, I took another Wednesday just to double check and it came up a little lighter than the day before, nothing obviously different but enough that I noticed. Anyway, this caused the first round of panic and I called my RE to get beta's done. Yep, the same thing I swore up and down a couple of posts ago that I wouldn't do. Oh well. Anyway, the first beta was HCG - 71, progesterone 39. The nurse swore up and down that the HCG number was fine. I have to go back next Wednesday for another beta. She also said I needed to starting taking progesterone supplements 3x a day (eww, gross!!!) and a baby aspirin, in addition to the PNV's and extra folic acid. There went my hopes of pretending this was a "normal" pregnancy. Still completely shocked at the news and am dying for next Wednesday to get here so I can get my bloodwork redone. She offered to let me come in earlier but I said Wednesday was fine, they wanted to see what happened over a week since they are upping my progesterone. Arggh almost a whole week but I realize all the blood tests really don't matter because they won't change the final outcome, whatever it will be. I've got to learn to be patient and to be thankful for each day I am pregnant, since I know firsthand how fast things can change.

Side Effects vs. Symptoms

I'm feeling oddly optimistic this cycle. I decided to quit charting and using OPK's because it was seriously stressing me out. I decided that I wasn't going to force myself to attempt to get pregnant this cycle b/c it has been so hard these past few months not getting pregnant and I think it was causing me to dwell on the miscarriages too much. I'm now seriously wondering if I am pregnant this time, I have no idea when exactly I ovulated since I'm not tracking but AF is due tomorrow if this cycle is consistent with the past few cycles. I had some spotting starting on Thursday so I immediately assumed the worst based on past cycles, I assumed this was yet another cycle where my hormones plummeted. I started the progesterone that night and the spotting has now stopped. Dare I hope the spotting on Thursday was implantation? The rational part of me says, no you idiot, it's because your hormones crashed again. The hopeful part says, yes, it was due to implantation. Since Thursday, I've been exhausted and slightly nauseous feeling. Once again, the rational side says all side effects of progesterone supplements, the hopeful side says symptoms. Either way, I'm reading way too much into things and I fear I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment. Oh welll, the benefit of short cycles means that the hope doesn't stay terribly long, I should know for sure in a few days. Too bad I'm too chicken to take a test, I think it would just suck too much to see a negative today, I'm feeling good and don't want the disappointment to ruin my day, so no testing until I feel ready.

The Fear

It's very odd, I had a D&C on October 5th and soon after that I became absolutely obsessed with being pregnant again. Obviously, no luck in that area. In January, I had a hormone crash and discovered I may have a hormone issue that was not detected in my initial RPL work up. I was prescribed progesterone and told to take it every month starting at 2DPO just in case I get pregnant. The doctor also mentioned clomid would help with the possible hormone issue but it's tax season and I don't want the extra stress of clomid and all the monitoring it requires at the moment. So I didn't take the progesterone the next cycle just to see if my hormones crashed again. FYI, my hormone crash was diagnosed after I started spotting at 2DPO, at 10DPO I'd had enough and went in for more bloodwork and that's how the crash was discovered. Anyway, next cycle, no spotting at all so now I am extremely confused about my body. I'm thankful I had no spotting but I wish I knew if that month was a fluke or if I have a issue.

I've now becoming ambivalent about being pregnant again, or at least I am no longer absolutely obsessed. Okay, ambivalent is a bad word, I'm just less psychotic about it. I think since it has been 5 months since the m/c, the fear of being pregnant again is getting stronger. I am so scared of it happening a 3rd time. I just "knew" after the 1st one that I had paid my m/c dues and wouldn't have another one so I was totally surprised when I found out I was that dreaded stastic, the girl with multiple miscarriages. I don't know what I am more scared of, never having a child of my own, or seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test. I can't believe that this is how my life is turning out, I never imagined I would be a "habitual aborter". I'm stunned and scared. I know next time I get pregnant (see, I'm trying to positive and not use the word if) it will be very stressful. I'm hoping that next time it happens I will be strong enough to face the possibility of a 3rd m/c but won't let it consume my every thought.

I don't want to go in for constant bloodwork and ultrasounds next time. I did this last time and I now understand that no amount of monitoring can stop the inevitable. I remember going to get blood drawn constantly in those first weeks and my heart would stop each time the nurse called with my beta's. I couldn't breathe until she said my numbers. Of course, being the hyperchondriac that i was, I had already calculated the # that it needed to be and everytime my beta's were better than needed. I had great bloodwork #'s and they mislead me and now I feel betrayed. So next time, I will not be going in for constant monitoring, at least not for the first few weeks. There is no point, instead I will just constantly check the toilet paper for spotting and if lord forbid I should see spotting then I will go in for bloodwork. I would love to be brave and not even have an u/s until 10 weeks but I know I am not that strong. Both of my babies stopped developing at around 6 wks, I think if I can hold off for an ultrasound until 8 wks and see a healthy heartbeat, I might feel a little better. Notice the word might. I don't think I will ever feel good about a pregnancy again, I know the worst that can happen and it's forever changed me. And I hate that it has changed me. I hate that everytime someone I know announces their pregnancy at 5 weeks, I automatically think they are idiots for announcing so soon since so much can happen those first few weeks. I hate that they have all this joy and excitement announcing a new pregnancy so early and I will never know anything else but paranoia. I hate when friends tell me they are nervous going in for ultrasounds b/c they are scared there might be something wrong. I hate that it bothers me that they tell me these fears and I don't fully understand. I understand you are scared but when I hear them talk about how scared they were of miscarrying it makes me sad. I just want to scream at them and yell - you haven't had a miscarraige so quit telling me how scared you were while you pregnant that it would happen!!! Please quit telling me this as you hold your beautiful child, please quit telling me you understand my fears about my next pregnancy when you in fact do not. They don't know the fear up close and personal like I do. I hate that I know the fear and will forever have an unnatural fear of ultrasound machines. I feel completely robbed and raw over this whole experience, yet I can't wait to go through the pregnancy experience again b/c I am hoping that the phrase - the 3rd times the charm - is actually true.

Should I stay or should I go???

To sum it up, I have a love/hate relationship with my job. My job really sucks from January to April and then sucks again from about October to November. When the job sucks, it really, really sucks. However, when it's not one of the months specified above, it's a very laid back environment with a ton of flexibility. I've been at my job for over 7 years and I wonder if I have stayed too long. A coworker has already confided in me that it is his last tax season and is giving his notice on April 15th and keeps encouraging me to do the same. He's been talking with a headhunter and the headhunter just laughs at what he was getting paid for his position and really laughs at what I am paid for mine. Apparently I am about $20 - $30k underpaid - wow!!! That's a huge difference and I am completely torn about what to do. A part of me is really excited about leaving this job and jumping into the corporate world, better pay, no more horrendous tax season hours, freedom to take vacation whenever I wanted. There are definite benefits to jumping ship. On the other hand, I have amazing freedom at my current job, due to constant understaffing, they give me alot of leeway. During nontax season, I don't work 8 hour days, get to work around 8:30 (I confess, I get there at the same during tax season but I do stay later to make up for it), take a 2 hour lunch, leave around 4:30 and spend a large part of my day goofing off. I know the issues that surround me at my current job, I know the pros and cons of the job, but if I leave and go somewhere else, what if its worse??? I'm so confused about what to do and I wish I had a sign that would show me the correct path I should take. I'm planning on starting clomid in April/May to get pregnant so is this the best time to be looking for a new job? Is it fair to my new employer to take a new job when I know I will be missing alot of work due to fertility treatments and/or possibly needing maternity leave soon (I'm trying to be optimisic)?? Or then again, is it stupid to stay in a job where I am not 100% happy just because I am undergoing fertility treatments and I know they will give me all the time off I want plus would be super flexible if I ever did actually have a child? I'm just so confused and feel a little silly postponing my future based on what if's. What if I am doomed to constantly miscarry and never have a child, if this is my fate then it seems really stupid to stay at this job. I thought I had my sign in August when I found out I was pregnant again, I thought that was a sign to stay where I was b/c they would be flexible and probably would let me work from home. But now, I'm unsure of what to do and I HATE uncertainty. I'm not going to talk to the headhunter until after April 15th about my possibilities so maybe a sign will magically appear and guide me in the right direction because I sure could use the help right now.

On another note, my mother asked me last night if I had read the article in the paper a few weeks ago that said caffeine causes miscarriages. Ah yes, Mom is still on the hunt to find a concrete reason for my losses, apparently the official diagnosis of bad luck/probably chromosomal abnormalities with the babies aren't sufficient for her. So anyway, she asks if I read it and I informed her with a not so pleasant tone to my voice that yes I read it, I was hoping the tone would get the point across to drop the subject. Nope, didn't work. She asked if I thought my Mt. Dew habit was the cause - ah yes,just another item to add to Mom's crazy list of why I miscarried with the implication that they were my fault. I informed her very icily that no, it wasn't and she finally got the hint and dropped the subject. Not quite a trip to Mom's without a punch in the gut, it'd been over a week since she brought up the subject of my uterus so I guess I should've known it was coming. The good news is that the question didn't want to make me cry so I guess I am healing, instead I wanted to beat her over the head with the article and say why do you ask me such stupid things so I am taking this as a good sign.

Amendment to An Open Letter

Just an update. I've since talked to the friends that sent the e-mail mentioned in the previous post and we've worked everything out. I've thought about deleting that post, but have decided against it. I wrote that post after I felt extremely hurt and betrayed and I have thought about deleting it just in case I do ever share this blog with people I actually know in real life, but I've decided it against it. I think it stands as an example as to some of the extremely unintentionally hurtful things people say to others following a miscarraige. So I'm leaving it. I want that post to serve as a reminder to people to please be careful about what you say to others that are experiencing something you have no experience with. I realize now my friends did not mean how they came across, I think they were honestly trying to express they were worried about me, but unfortunately that is not what was said. I have truly forgiven what was said but the words still haunt my thoughts.

T. told me the other night, that if you allow someone's words to offend you, then you have given them too much power. This statement struck a cord with me, I let my friends words destroy me one day, I started believing they were right and that I should've been past my grief and I was stupid for feeling this way 5 months later. I now realize I gave them too much power, I cared too much for their opinion when all that really matters is my own.

Random

For once, a positive blog entry... i usually use this blog as way of expressing yucky feelings and use it as a form of therapy and don't discuss much going on in my life outside of the m/c's, so to balance out all the angry entries, here is a list of things that make me happy in no particular order.

- girl scout cookie time. I love this time of year, I get giddy every time I see a girl scout because this means cookies should be close.
- I am in love with my DVR, I don't know how I lived without it before. I can now not worry about missing America's Next Top Model or Project Runway ever again.
- My adorable, dumb as bricks dog. I love the way he comes up and covers my face with puppy kisses, however, I do wish he would not do this after he has licked his butt.
- My bitchy, cranky cat. I can't say I blame because he is missing a back leg, has 2 different colored eyes, is partially deaf, has no nuts and is currently sporting two wicked scars on his face and due to one of these scars, half of his face has been shaved. Just looking at this battle scarred cat cracks me up.
- T. I don't know what I would do without him.
- My new chocolate brown patent leather high heeled mary janes - they are absolutely gorgeous and to die for.
- Taking a break from charting and OPK's, I had no idea how much they were stressing me out until I stopped. Huge stress relief.
- Perez Hilton, love, love, love that website and all the snarky comments he makes.
- Beer, Michelob Ultra in particular, I just love it.
- My job. I don't love my job, however I do love the job security that I currently have. Working in public accounting has a high turnover rate so the fact that I have been at my current job for 7 years is amazing. I seriously think I could show up drunk at this point and not get fired b/c that is how understaffed we are.
- Reese's cup easter eggs, they should sell these year round. Or on second thought maybe it is a good thing they don't because my hips can't afford that.
- My new underwear from VS. I have no idea what kind it is but it is so comfortable. Unfortunately I got it at the semi-annual sale and only got one pair, I can't seem to find any more, actually this is now upsetting me.
- My new pillow.
- Sundays, it is currently my only day of the week I don't have to go into the office and the only day I get to sleep in.
- Ah yes, sleeping, my most favorite thing ever. I am excellent at it, I should have pursued a career as a mattress tester or something where I could put my skills at being able to consistently sleep 12 hours at a time to good use.
- John & Kate plus 8 - actually this show doesn't make me happy, it scares the piss out of me, I just had to get that out.