The Fear

It's very odd, I had a D&C on October 5th and soon after that I became absolutely obsessed with being pregnant again. Obviously, no luck in that area. In January, I had a hormone crash and discovered I may have a hormone issue that was not detected in my initial RPL work up. I was prescribed progesterone and told to take it every month starting at 2DPO just in case I get pregnant. The doctor also mentioned clomid would help with the possible hormone issue but it's tax season and I don't want the extra stress of clomid and all the monitoring it requires at the moment. So I didn't take the progesterone the next cycle just to see if my hormones crashed again. FYI, my hormone crash was diagnosed after I started spotting at 2DPO, at 10DPO I'd had enough and went in for more bloodwork and that's how the crash was discovered. Anyway, next cycle, no spotting at all so now I am extremely confused about my body. I'm thankful I had no spotting but I wish I knew if that month was a fluke or if I have a issue.

I've now becoming ambivalent about being pregnant again, or at least I am no longer absolutely obsessed. Okay, ambivalent is a bad word, I'm just less psychotic about it. I think since it has been 5 months since the m/c, the fear of being pregnant again is getting stronger. I am so scared of it happening a 3rd time. I just "knew" after the 1st one that I had paid my m/c dues and wouldn't have another one so I was totally surprised when I found out I was that dreaded stastic, the girl with multiple miscarriages. I don't know what I am more scared of, never having a child of my own, or seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test. I can't believe that this is how my life is turning out, I never imagined I would be a "habitual aborter". I'm stunned and scared. I know next time I get pregnant (see, I'm trying to positive and not use the word if) it will be very stressful. I'm hoping that next time it happens I will be strong enough to face the possibility of a 3rd m/c but won't let it consume my every thought.

I don't want to go in for constant bloodwork and ultrasounds next time. I did this last time and I now understand that no amount of monitoring can stop the inevitable. I remember going to get blood drawn constantly in those first weeks and my heart would stop each time the nurse called with my beta's. I couldn't breathe until she said my numbers. Of course, being the hyperchondriac that i was, I had already calculated the # that it needed to be and everytime my beta's were better than needed. I had great bloodwork #'s and they mislead me and now I feel betrayed. So next time, I will not be going in for constant monitoring, at least not for the first few weeks. There is no point, instead I will just constantly check the toilet paper for spotting and if lord forbid I should see spotting then I will go in for bloodwork. I would love to be brave and not even have an u/s until 10 weeks but I know I am not that strong. Both of my babies stopped developing at around 6 wks, I think if I can hold off for an ultrasound until 8 wks and see a healthy heartbeat, I might feel a little better. Notice the word might. I don't think I will ever feel good about a pregnancy again, I know the worst that can happen and it's forever changed me. And I hate that it has changed me. I hate that everytime someone I know announces their pregnancy at 5 weeks, I automatically think they are idiots for announcing so soon since so much can happen those first few weeks. I hate that they have all this joy and excitement announcing a new pregnancy so early and I will never know anything else but paranoia. I hate when friends tell me they are nervous going in for ultrasounds b/c they are scared there might be something wrong. I hate that it bothers me that they tell me these fears and I don't fully understand. I understand you are scared but when I hear them talk about how scared they were of miscarrying it makes me sad. I just want to scream at them and yell - you haven't had a miscarraige so quit telling me how scared you were while you pregnant that it would happen!!! Please quit telling me this as you hold your beautiful child, please quit telling me you understand my fears about my next pregnancy when you in fact do not. They don't know the fear up close and personal like I do. I hate that I know the fear and will forever have an unnatural fear of ultrasound machines. I feel completely robbed and raw over this whole experience, yet I can't wait to go through the pregnancy experience again b/c I am hoping that the phrase - the 3rd times the charm - is actually true.