Whispers

Maybe I am over thinking things too much but this is really bothering me lately. With the first m/c I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, we weren't trying to get pregnant and I just assumed it was a fluke and I probably didn't deal with it the way I should have. When the 2nd one happened, I was beyond devastated, I had no idea it could happen twice. It opened up wounds from the 1st one that I didn't even know I had. When the 2nd one happend, I felt so alone, I didn't know anyone that had ever had 2. After the 2nd one and the 3rd miscarriages, I decided to talk more about the experience, the aftermath, all the testing and that's when people would whisper into my ear that they knew of someone that this had happened to and yada, yada, yada. It took me bringing up the subject to hear of other stories of people like me, which for anyone that has been through this knows how hard it is to bring this subject up. Since then, I've decided to be more open about my inability to sustain a pregnancy and my experiences in the infertility world. I hope that since I am more vocal about it, I can one day help someone that is in my unfortunate situation and they will know that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when people would finally confide and whisper to me that they had been in my shoes but it sure would've been nice to know it ahead of time. I would've like to have those stories running through my head as I sat there, numb, looking at an ultrasound screen of yet another heartbeat that has stopped. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone.

I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.

SURPRISE!!!

Ah yes, it's that time again. It's time to bitch about my mother-in-law. I just don't know what to think of her anymore, I don't know if she is intentionally a bitch to me or she just doesn't know any better. I hope it's that she just doesn't know any better. Long story short, when T called to tell her about the 3rd m/c, her first reply was "I'm sorry, have they not figured out what is wrong with her yet?". Now that made me angry, implying that there is something wrong with ME. Of course, since she never, ever called or asked about the RPL testing from the 2nd m/c, she had no idea that so far everything I have been tested for shows normal, no issues, just bad luck. Second reply after hearing news of the 3rd m/c was to inform T that she was busy planning his sister's 30th surprise b-day party and then proceeded to fill him in on all the details for the next 10 minutes. Please keep in mind that we called her on April 9th to deliver the bad news, his sister turns 30 on June 30th, needless to say I was peeved and hurt that the 3rd m/c didn't even seem to warrant more of a reaction from her. When T called to tell her everything from the D&C went okay this time, all she talked about was his sister's party yet again. So in short, either she has no idea what to say about the m/c's or she really just doesn't care.

Fast forward to last weekend. She asks T if he thinks its a good idea to include me in the surprise 30th b-day party since my 30th will be at the end of July. T says no, he says it's not fair to ask us to split b-day parties. His mother decides to ignore his advice and tells the rest of T's family the party is for me also. I have an awesome brother in law who called me yesterday morning to tip me off about the party, I immediately call T to tell him what's going on and he is furious. After some calling around, I discover that his mother has not invited ANYONE that I know to the party, none of my famiy and friends were invited, yet it is a suprise party for me. Yep, I would definitely be surprised alright to walk into a room full of people I don't know and have them all yell "SURPRISE" at me, it would definitely be a shock. The party isn't even in the same town that we live in, it's about an hours drive, why in the world would someone think this is a good idea? Why would she think I would want a 30th b-day party that is nothing but T's sister's friends??? Seriously - who does this crap???????

T has since sent his mother a not-so-nice e-mail about the party so I am assuming it is no longer a surprise for me after that e-mail. Of course we still haven't heard from her so who knows, I guess I better be prepared for a room full of strangers to yell surprise at me on Friday just in case.

Day 53

Or at least I think it is Day 53, regardless it's been a long time and I finally got my period!!!! Yay!!! Just need to schedule SIS and then that's the last test to be done after the 3rd m/c. Woohoo, no more pins and needles for me. Now if I can just get over my fear of pregnancy......

Day 38

38 days since my D&C and where in the hell is my period?? No signs to indicate it will be anytime soon. I took my temp this morning and it was low, much lower than my post ovulation temps so I am assuming that I haven't even ovulated yet. I'll check it again tomorrow for confirmation but this is so frustrating. I know 38 days is not that long, but last time my period came back 32 days after the D&C and the time before that it was a similar amount of time. My regular cycle is 26 days. Argh, I think my body is really f'd up after this past miscarriage and I completely understand why. It's been a very traumatic 7 months, not sure how much more my body can take.

I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.

Note to self....

Must remember to never, ever, ever travel anywhere with the World's Most Annoying Man (WMAM). Your inability to do ANYTHING for yourself and your constant complaning and bitching was truly a buzzkill during what was supposed to be a fun group vacation/bike race. After spending 8 consecutive days with WMAM, I am now scared to have children just in case they turn out to be like him. Thanks, WMAM - like I didn't have enough fears with pregnancy and babies already.

Test Results

I went back on the 6th for my post D&C check up, surprising, no pelvic exams or dildo cams or peeing in a cup was involved. I'd forgotten what is like to go to the doctor and not have to be naked from the waist down - it was a nice change. Although I did have to pee horribly bad since I'd been drinking water like a mad woman b/c I thought I would have to pee in a cup. My mistake.

Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!

The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.

I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.

Giggles....

My step brother-in-law's life partner, yes you read that right, my husband's step brother is gay and has a life partner. I will call him S. I could write a book on the craziness that is mine and T's family b/c it is hysterical but I will save that for other entries. Anyway S calls me last night and I haven't talked to him in a few months, not since the 3rd m/c. He calls to tell me that T's step mom had forwarded him the e-mail I sent her regarding the chromosomal testing and he giggled and said that step mom said I sounded jaded. I think she read my e-mail correctly, I'm totally jaded and not sure why this is suprising. I think when I referred to the next future pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" it bothered her. Mental note: send carefully worded e-mails to T's step mom b/c I don't think she likes my sense of humor on the subject. S. tells me he wants to be know ALL test results and wants to be a bigger part of my TTC journey, he even said he would help me track my cycles - how funny and sweet is that? I could have a gay male try to help my get pregnant and stay pregnant - maybe the gay male factor is what has been missing this whole time, he could be the missing key to this whole puzzle.

I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.