I've been thinking about starting a blog for a few months now. I've recently suffered my 2nd miscarriage and I find myself thinking about this and other related issues constantly. I've begun reading other blogs related to IF (infertility) and RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) and it has helped me so much to read others peoples struggles and realize that I am not alone. I hope one day, this blog will help and inspire others who also struggle with RPL. So I thought that for the first entry, I would start with the first pregnancy since this is where it all began......
It is early February 2004, tax season. I HATE tax season, but that is another post. One of my co-workers complains about her period. I'm listening and nodding in agreement when it dawns on me that I usually have my period around the same time as she does. I start thinking back and it suddenly dawns on me that I have no idea when I last had my period. In my foggy recollection, I think it may have been December. It is at this point I break into a cold sweat. I'm suddenly imagining headlines like "Idiot Accountant Doesn't Realize She's Pregnant, Gives Birth on Tax Return, Client Very Pissed." I decide to push such insane thoughts out of my head and go on with my day. I rationalize to myself that I don't feel pregnant and since I just went off the Pill in November, it is probably just a wacky cycle. I mention it to T (my husband) that I don't remember when I last had my period, he starts laughing, well sort-of, and informs me that he will start keeping up with my cycle if I can't keep up with it. He asks if I am pregnant b/c he has noticed I have recently developed backne. Nice. A few days later on a Saturday I finally give in and pee on a stick and am stunned when it turns up positive. The cold sweat from a few days earlier returns. All of the sudden, my recollection becomes crystal clear and I remember some random spotting a few weeks back. I have no other pregnancy symptoms, except the backne which T has so lovingly pointed out to me, I think I am lucky.
I call the doctor on Monday to tell them I had a positive pregnancy test. They start asking questions about date of last cycle, blah, blah and I feel like a complete moron that I can't remember. While the nurse is trying to figure out when to schedule an appt, I mention I think I had some spotting a few weeks ago. She asks alot of questions and in my clueless state, I have no idea I should be concerned. She tells me to go immediately to ultrasound the following morning. That should have set off a warning siren in my head. So the next morning, me and T head into the ultrasound with no clue of what to expect. They first start trying the ultrasound with the scanner over the belly. The u/s tech can't see anything so she tells me she is going to have to use "the wand". For anyone that has never had the luck to experience to "the wand", let me explain. The wand is used for u/s taken through your hoo-haa. Me and the u/s tech have to constanty remind T to stay near my head while the wand is trying to locate the baby, this is very annoying. He's not trying to check me out getting violated by the wand, he is just trying to see the screen. Unfortunately, there is nothing to see on the screen. I am measuring approx 8 weeks pregnant (ha! I knew I had had a period in December) but there is no baby, there is only a sack measuring 5 weeks and no fetal pole. At the time I have no idea what this means, although I know it isn't good. I meet with the doctor and she explains that situation does not look good. She tells me to come back in a week for another u/s but to not expect good news. I think my Dr sucks at telling people bad news. She proceeds to tell me to still "act" like I am pregnant although I probably won't be much longer and gives me prenatal vitamins. I am seriously so shocked and confused at this point I don't know what to say so I take the vitamins and check out. Of course, at check out, I run into one of my pregnant friends and she immediately knows I am pregnant since T is with me and I have tons of PNV samples in my hand. That was alot of fun explaining to hear that although I was currently pregnant, I probably wouldn't be much longer. Very awkward conversation to have with somebody that I am currently planning a baby shower for.
We go back a week later, expecting bad news and get it, diagnosis of miscarriage #1 is official. There has been no progress, still no baby, I am scheduled for a D&C that Wednesday since my body doesn't appear to be rejecting the pregnancy on its own. In less than 2 weeks time I go from being so scared and excitedly nervous b/c I thought I was pregnant to being so scared and nervous b/c I am now having a miscarriage. Within a 6 month span, me and two sister in laws all have miscarriages. We hadn't told our families about the pregnancy but we decide to tell the night before the D&C, for some reason, we feel they should know. It is an awful series of phone calls that I never want to make again. There is nothing as sad as calling your family to tell them the new grandchild they had been wanting was actually here but it is now gone. Very difficult, especially for people like me that can't handle people crying on me. I am absolutely amazing on the phone, I don't break down and cry at all while telling my parents and sisters, I feel like superwoman, able to turn off emotions at will. It is at this time, that I discover that I possess the super power of being able to talk rationally to people about this subject without having a complete breakdown. Of course, the super power fails me when it is just me and T and I am an absolute wreck, but I am thankful that T allows me to be a wreck b/c I need that outlet.
The D&C turned out to be the easiest part of the whole miscarriage experience and I thought that would be the hardest. Wow, was I ever wrong. Nobody talks about the aftermath of a miscarriage. It is like a dirty little secret that no one ever talks about openly. The dr. prepares you for bleeding and stuff like that, but they don't prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you will soon be experiencing. Nor do the tell you that body absolutely freaks out afterwards. I decide to go back on the Pill, my arch-nemesis. Me and the Pill used to do battle every month and every month it would win with its migraine and vomit inducing hormones. But I am so scared about accidentally getting pregnant again that I decide the battle is worth it b/c I don't think I can handle going through a miscarriage again. I think to myself, that next time, we will plan to have a baby and I will be prepared and I will not go through that traumatic experience again. I stay on the Pill for another two years when I finally give up the battle and declare the Pill the winner, I am tired of the vomiting, constant nausea, breakthrough bleeding, migraines and every other stupid side effect that I am lucky enough to experience no matter what brand I am on. We are still too scared to try to have a baby so we are careful, or at least we thought we were careful until I find out on August 31, 2007 that I am accidentally pregnant again.
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