So much for 3rd times the charm.....

Went for my 4th ultrasound this morning, yes that's right 4th. After 2 previous losses, the powers that be go way out of their way to make you feel as freakish as possible and bring you in constantly for monitoring. 4 ultrasounds at approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant, that's more than most people have all pregnancy. Anyway, 4th ultrasound reconfirmed my fear of the ultrasound machine, they are mean, viscious machines that should be feared, I will probably have nightmares about them tonight. The heartbeat we saw last Friday is gone, it apparently stopped sometime on Friday too. I'm shocked and numb at the moment. I never got excited about this pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was too scared to let it happen, I kept telling myself it would be okay, especially after we saw the heartbeat but I was still scared to get excited. I guess my instincts were right.

This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.

I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.

As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.

Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.