Frustration

I'm in this strange place right now emotionally. I realize I will be having a D&C soon yet I don't think it has fully set in yet that it has really happened again. It still seems very surreal, it feels like years ago I thought I was pregnant and going to have a baby, now it just seems like I was never pregnant this past time and I'm just going for some random outpatient surgery next week. Very odd.

This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.

I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?

An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.

I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.