Lately I've been wondering how it is possible that I am walking around and functioning in the real world. I mean, I just had my 3rd m/c, I should be hiding under a rock somewhere. Instead, for the most part I think I am doing okay.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.
I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.
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