Day 53

Or at least I think it is Day 53, regardless it's been a long time and I finally got my period!!!! Yay!!! Just need to schedule SIS and then that's the last test to be done after the 3rd m/c. Woohoo, no more pins and needles for me. Now if I can just get over my fear of pregnancy......

Day 38

38 days since my D&C and where in the hell is my period?? No signs to indicate it will be anytime soon. I took my temp this morning and it was low, much lower than my post ovulation temps so I am assuming that I haven't even ovulated yet. I'll check it again tomorrow for confirmation but this is so frustrating. I know 38 days is not that long, but last time my period came back 32 days after the D&C and the time before that it was a similar amount of time. My regular cycle is 26 days. Argh, I think my body is really f'd up after this past miscarriage and I completely understand why. It's been a very traumatic 7 months, not sure how much more my body can take.

I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.

Note to self....

Must remember to never, ever, ever travel anywhere with the World's Most Annoying Man (WMAM). Your inability to do ANYTHING for yourself and your constant complaning and bitching was truly a buzzkill during what was supposed to be a fun group vacation/bike race. After spending 8 consecutive days with WMAM, I am now scared to have children just in case they turn out to be like him. Thanks, WMAM - like I didn't have enough fears with pregnancy and babies already.

Test Results

I went back on the 6th for my post D&C check up, surprising, no pelvic exams or dildo cams or peeing in a cup was involved. I'd forgotten what is like to go to the doctor and not have to be naked from the waist down - it was a nice change. Although I did have to pee horribly bad since I'd been drinking water like a mad woman b/c I thought I would have to pee in a cup. My mistake.

Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!

The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.

I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.

Giggles....

My step brother-in-law's life partner, yes you read that right, my husband's step brother is gay and has a life partner. I will call him S. I could write a book on the craziness that is mine and T's family b/c it is hysterical but I will save that for other entries. Anyway S calls me last night and I haven't talked to him in a few months, not since the 3rd m/c. He calls to tell me that T's step mom had forwarded him the e-mail I sent her regarding the chromosomal testing and he giggled and said that step mom said I sounded jaded. I think she read my e-mail correctly, I'm totally jaded and not sure why this is suprising. I think when I referred to the next future pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" it bothered her. Mental note: send carefully worded e-mails to T's step mom b/c I don't think she likes my sense of humor on the subject. S. tells me he wants to be know ALL test results and wants to be a bigger part of my TTC journey, he even said he would help me track my cycles - how funny and sweet is that? I could have a gay male try to help my get pregnant and stay pregnant - maybe the gay male factor is what has been missing this whole time, he could be the missing key to this whole puzzle.

I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.

EDD

Today is my EDD from the 2nd m/c. The day I have been dreading is finally here. I now no longer have a continuous countdown of where I should have been with this pregnancy. It's a relief. One of best friends was due next week, her little boy was born last week. It hurts to see those pics and I know that for the rest of my life her little boy will forever remind me of what I lost. I desperately wish I was holding my own little baby and that our children would grow up to be friends but that is not my reality.

I'm working on dealing with my reality that having babies will not be easy for us. I will never have a stress free pregnancy due to the 3 m/c's and that I will probably need medical help to achieve the 4th. For some reason, that has been a very hard thing to admit. The RE offered me fertility drugs when I was attempting the 3rd pregnancy but I said no, I never dreamed a 3rd m/c would happen. I think I'm going to take any assistance that is offered this time, I don't know if I can handle a 4th.

Oh the irony, my post D&C check up is tomorrow from the 3rd m/c. Yup, instead of holding my baby and worrying about if I will ever get to sleep again, i get to go discuss the 3rd m/c and the future game plan. I can only hope a dildo cam ultrasound will be included tomorrow to top the day off. Real funny joke the universe is playing on me at the moment.

Too bored to give it a title

Lately I've been wondering how it is possible that I am walking around and functioning in the real world. I mean, I just had my 3rd m/c, I should be hiding under a rock somewhere. Instead, for the most part I think I am doing okay.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.

I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.