Update to Colon Cleansing

Day 8 - absolutely no weight lost. Just another sign my body hates me and it's only goal in life is to piss me off.

How far do I go?

I'm now completely, utterly confused. I finally decide to not do clomid b/c I am too scared of side effects and I don't want to be monitored, too much stess that I don't need. I went to a chiropractor for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago for some hip and back pain that I have had for years. The chiro is a good friend of T's and knows about all the m/c's. His wife had 3 m/c's also between their 2nd and 3rd child, also unexplained. The chiro gave me a gift certificate for a free one hour massage with the massage therapist at his clinic last october after the 2nd m/c. Since it had been so long, I decided recently to use it before it expired.

The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.

At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).

In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.

Stupid gmail

Okay not sure what is going on but a few people that I have been sending e-mails too have told me they aren't getting my e-mails. So frustrated, no idea what's going on with my gmail. I'm usually a great e-mail, I don't understand why they aren't going through, either that or it's a big conspiracy on everyone's part to not return my e-mails. Anyway, if you are someone I usually e-mail, please shoot me an e-mail, I have no idea why mine aren't sending

Update

Pretty much nothing new to report. Had my 1st pregnancy scare post 3rd m/c - wow - made me realize how unready emotionally I am to be pregnant again. I was not excited at all about the possibility, totally scared. think that is a sign I need to wait and I am okay with that.

On another note, my freakin car died for the 4,000th time this past weekend so I had to get another car. I hate buying cars, the only thing worse is paying for them. I finally found the car I have been wanting and I must say I get a smile on my face evertime I get in the car. The dog loves it too, which is really the most important.

To CRG

Thank you so much for your sweet comment you left on my previous entry. It means so much to me that someone read this and took the time to leave a note saying how much it had helped them. I noticed I couldn't link to a blog or anything for you so I am leaving this thank you here. If you want to get in touch through e-mail, please leave me another comment and let me know, I'll figure out a way to get my e-mail address to you. I am always searching for other girls who understand what I've gone through and would love to chat, somewhere not on the internet where everyone can see :) I'm leaving to go out of the country until July 21st and will not have internet access until then so it may be awhile before you hear back from me.

Thanks again for the sweet comment, and I totally understand if you don't want to get in touch with some crazy person who's blog you read, no offense taken if you don't respond to this.

The red haired lady is coming back

After the 2nd m/c I decided that life as a redhead was sucking big time so I decided to dye my hair back to its natural brown color, which I hadn't seen since I was 15 years old. I have pale skin with freckles, so the red looks totally natural on me, it is very hard to convince people that brunette is my actual hair color. So while dying my hair back to brown, I had a boo-boo, I missed my natural hair color and it went to dark, dark brown, um, actually black. Whoops!!! I looked like Goth girl for about a month when my hair dresser begged me to change it. So I then spend 4 hours at the salon attempting to remove the black from my hair and the goal is to change it back to a shade of red. Hmmmmm, apparently my hair was really pissed at me and it just went to a lighter shade of brown, but at least it was no longer black. Pale skin and freckles do not look good with black hair. I kept thinking I would come out with a gorgoeous shade of chestnut brown hair, silky and shiny just like in the Nice N Easy Commercials. What was I thinking, this is me, we're talking about. It turns to a lovely shade of doo-doo brown instead. So after lengthy discussion with hairdresser we decide my hair is super damaged and needs a break. I've finally decided to change it back, I think most of the damage is reversed and I am ready to reclaim my old self. I think I was more fun as a red head. I hate the dark haired girl who has gained too much weight and is mad at the world, it's time to bring back the red and reclaim my old self. I cannot wait. I miss my red hair so bad. Plus we are going on cruise on Saturday so I definitely want the red back!! Cannot wait until Tuesday, such a big day!

On another note, i tried on the formal dresses I wore on last years cruise thinking I would just wear those again. Tried on the 1st one, still fit. Tried on the 2nd, it technically fits, however, it is a knit jersey material and it clings to the recently expanded saddlebags. Gross. I cannot bring myself to wear the dress that highlights the saddlebags as well as the new curve to the belly. I am beyond frustrated. I can wear one of the dresses twice, it shouldn't be any big deal but it caused a mild meltdown this afternoon when it truly hit me how much weight I have gained since the 2nd m/c. it is an awful feeling. I swear my eating habits and exercise habits have not changed, yet I am still gaining weight. I'm only 5 foot 3, I can't afford to gain anymore. 15lbs in one year is awful and I am starting to dread the the cruise. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere that required heavy, winter clothes??? I will have to put on a swimsuit at some point, waah. We're going with our best friends from college and the wife is super tiny and cute, I will look like a beached whale next to her. Aaacck, my body after multiple m/c sucks. Cellulite city and its all my fault. Blech.... When the dark hair goes on Tuesday, it better take some of the excess weight with it.

Whispers

Maybe I am over thinking things too much but this is really bothering me lately. With the first m/c I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, we weren't trying to get pregnant and I just assumed it was a fluke and I probably didn't deal with it the way I should have. When the 2nd one happened, I was beyond devastated, I had no idea it could happen twice. It opened up wounds from the 1st one that I didn't even know I had. When the 2nd one happend, I felt so alone, I didn't know anyone that had ever had 2. After the 2nd one and the 3rd miscarriages, I decided to talk more about the experience, the aftermath, all the testing and that's when people would whisper into my ear that they knew of someone that this had happened to and yada, yada, yada. It took me bringing up the subject to hear of other stories of people like me, which for anyone that has been through this knows how hard it is to bring this subject up. Since then, I've decided to be more open about my inability to sustain a pregnancy and my experiences in the infertility world. I hope that since I am more vocal about it, I can one day help someone that is in my unfortunate situation and they will know that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when people would finally confide and whisper to me that they had been in my shoes but it sure would've been nice to know it ahead of time. I would've like to have those stories running through my head as I sat there, numb, looking at an ultrasound screen of yet another heartbeat that has stopped. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone.

I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.