An Open Letter

I realize most of my friends do not understand what I have gone through. They don't understand my journey, not do I expect them to, however, I do expect them to respect my tragedy and to not judge me for it and how I handle my grief. I've been hesitant to tell certain friends how I was really feeling b/c I was scared they would judge me and say something hurtful. T kept asking me why I didn't talk to most people about this and I said it was too hard and I wasn't sure what their reaction would be so I keep it to myself. An event came up that I just didn't want to go to. It would be my closest friends from childhood with all of their families and pregnancies and I just honestly didn't want to come face to face with a reminder of what I had recently lost. I'd been doing fairly well recently and was hoping to continue my forward progess. T encourages me to share my feelings, because of course they will understand, they have known my longer than anyone else. So I write an e-mail explaining why I would not be in attendance, it takes me 3 hours and many tears to get up enough nerve to put my feelings out there and I feel completely raw and exposed. Imagine my shock and horror when a reply comes back telling me that I have serious issues b/c this has been going on for 5 months and I'm still not over it. And as an added bonus, it includes a list informing me of how I have been a really crappy friend lately because I can't share in their lives and be happy for them. But an incredible thing came out of those e-mails, I had a long talk with T, he finally understands why I have trouble talking about it to other people and it's because they just don't get it. He was also shocked at the responses but he finally understood me for the first time when I said I just can't talk to them about this right now. He finally got it and that alone has made me feel like I will be getting through this soon. Just that one conversation has made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so I will take the hurt from the e-mails and remember the good came out of them.

Last time I checked, none of them had to go to the doctor constantly throughout September checking hormone levels and constant ultrasounds to see if their baby had finally died. I don’t recall them spending the month of November undergoing constant testing and spending close to $600 - $700 on copays for all these tests and incurring over $10,000 in medical procedures throughout the month. I don’t recall them having to wait an agonizing 3 weeks for possible answers and finally getting them a week before Christmas, only to find there are no answers. Just a guess of it's bad luck and oh yeah, by the way, your official diagnosis is "habitual aborter" and all of your paperwork will now now state this as your medical condition in order for insurance to cover your tests. I don’t recall their lives being put “on hold” for 3 months due to constant doctor appointments and not having any closure. I have closure now, and yes, I’m still having bad days occassionally, which is to be expected and IS normal and expected. I thought I was doing okay until yesterday I get informed that by other people’s grief time lines it is taking too long and I am crappy, uncaring friend. I don’t recall many friends calling me after my D&C to ask how I was doing and I don’t recall too many questions since then. Communication works both ways, I don’t think I am totally to blame. I’m don't want to attempt to explain what I went through to people that don’t understand and haven’t tried to.

None of them has ever lost a baby and I hope they never do. But I'm guessing that if any of them ever do have a miscarriage, a few months down the road, they would still have those days where seeing reminders just still hurt because the wounds are still fresh and I don't think they would appreciate me informing them that their grief is abnormal and that they should be over it. You don't get over a miscarriage, you just get better at living with it. I don't expect anyone else to grieve for the babies I've lost, but I do ask that you don't judge me when some days it still makes me sad.

I needed to hear my close friends say, we are sorry you won't be in attendance but we understand you are having a hard time. We understand you have lost 2 babies while the rest of have no idea what you have experienced and hopefully never will. We understand there will be times you can't join us b/c sometimes the pain hurts too much but we will be here waiting on you to be ready to join us again soon. That's what I needed to hear.