I have 3 close friends who are currently pregnant, all at various stages. I should be one of them. I should be bonding over pregnancy related issues, instead I avoid 2 of them as much as I can because their pregnancies only remind that I am not. No one wants to hear my pregnancy stories because they are unhappy ones, ones that scare people. Nobody wants to hear the tales of the habitual aborter (yes that is my official diagnosis - lovely). One of the girls is due in a few weeks and for some reason, she does not make me as jealous, I think it is because she was pregnant before I was so for some twisted reason, I am not as jealous. Her journey started before mine so I don't sit around being jealous as I watch her weeks go by, I don't sit there and think that is where I should be or where I have been b/c I have never been where she is at. I am jealous of the friend that is due a week after I was, jealous that her baby boy will be a constant reminder for the rest of my life of what I lost and every birthday party and major life event I attend for this child will be a reminder. I am jealous of my other friend because she got pregnant when I thought I would. I am so jealous I can't see straight and it is starting to consume me. Of course, it could also be the fact that I've been out of town for a week and all the alone time in my hotel room is causing me to dwell on the situation.
You see, I shouldn't be here right now, I should be at home with T. When I found out I was pregnant in August, I realized I probably wouldn't have to go on this out of town trip for work, I just knew the pregnancy was my ticket off this job. Of course, life had other plans so here I sit. In a hotel room. By myself. Not pregnant. Not how I imagined my life 4 months ago. When I had the miscarriage in early October, I assumed I would be pregnant again by Christmas or at the very least pregnant while on this trip. Because I knew if I was at least pregnant by this trip, then it would be my last one, I wouldn't have to travel up here anymore for work b/c I would be a mommy and would be taken off the travel list. Instead I am up here and I am angry. i think this will be my last time to travel up here, not because I will finally have a baby but because I think I am going to look for another job after tax season is over. I've given this job 7 years and I'm not sure what it's given me back.
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