It's very odd, I had a D&C on October 5th and soon after that I became absolutely obsessed with being pregnant again. Obviously, no luck in that area. In January, I had a hormone crash and discovered I may have a hormone issue that was not detected in my initial RPL work up. I was prescribed progesterone and told to take it every month starting at 2DPO just in case I get pregnant. The doctor also mentioned clomid would help with the possible hormone issue but it's tax season and I don't want the extra stress of clomid and all the monitoring it requires at the moment. So I didn't take the progesterone the next cycle just to see if my hormones crashed again. FYI, my hormone crash was diagnosed after I started spotting at 2DPO, at 10DPO I'd had enough and went in for more bloodwork and that's how the crash was discovered. Anyway, next cycle, no spotting at all so now I am extremely confused about my body. I'm thankful I had no spotting but I wish I knew if that month was a fluke or if I have a issue.
I've now becoming ambivalent about being pregnant again, or at least I am no longer absolutely obsessed. Okay, ambivalent is a bad word, I'm just less psychotic about it. I think since it has been 5 months since the m/c, the fear of being pregnant again is getting stronger. I am so scared of it happening a 3rd time. I just "knew" after the 1st one that I had paid my m/c dues and wouldn't have another one so I was totally surprised when I found out I was that dreaded stastic, the girl with multiple miscarriages. I don't know what I am more scared of, never having a child of my own, or seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test. I can't believe that this is how my life is turning out, I never imagined I would be a "habitual aborter". I'm stunned and scared. I know next time I get pregnant (see, I'm trying to positive and not use the word if) it will be very stressful. I'm hoping that next time it happens I will be strong enough to face the possibility of a 3rd m/c but won't let it consume my every thought.
I don't want to go in for constant bloodwork and ultrasounds next time. I did this last time and I now understand that no amount of monitoring can stop the inevitable. I remember going to get blood drawn constantly in those first weeks and my heart would stop each time the nurse called with my beta's. I couldn't breathe until she said my numbers. Of course, being the hyperchondriac that i was, I had already calculated the # that it needed to be and everytime my beta's were better than needed. I had great bloodwork #'s and they mislead me and now I feel betrayed. So next time, I will not be going in for constant monitoring, at least not for the first few weeks. There is no point, instead I will just constantly check the toilet paper for spotting and if lord forbid I should see spotting then I will go in for bloodwork. I would love to be brave and not even have an u/s until 10 weeks but I know I am not that strong. Both of my babies stopped developing at around 6 wks, I think if I can hold off for an ultrasound until 8 wks and see a healthy heartbeat, I might feel a little better. Notice the word might. I don't think I will ever feel good about a pregnancy again, I know the worst that can happen and it's forever changed me. And I hate that it has changed me. I hate that everytime someone I know announces their pregnancy at 5 weeks, I automatically think they are idiots for announcing so soon since so much can happen those first few weeks. I hate that they have all this joy and excitement announcing a new pregnancy so early and I will never know anything else but paranoia. I hate when friends tell me they are nervous going in for ultrasounds b/c they are scared there might be something wrong. I hate that it bothers me that they tell me these fears and I don't fully understand. I understand you are scared but when I hear them talk about how scared they were of miscarrying it makes me sad. I just want to scream at them and yell - you haven't had a miscarraige so quit telling me how scared you were while you pregnant that it would happen!!! Please quit telling me this as you hold your beautiful child, please quit telling me you understand my fears about my next pregnancy when you in fact do not. They don't know the fear up close and personal like I do. I hate that I know the fear and will forever have an unnatural fear of ultrasound machines. I feel completely robbed and raw over this whole experience, yet I can't wait to go through the pregnancy experience again b/c I am hoping that the phrase - the 3rd times the charm - is actually true.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Should I stay or should I go???
To sum it up, I have a love/hate relationship with my job. My job really sucks from January to April and then sucks again from about October to November. When the job sucks, it really, really sucks. However, when it's not one of the months specified above, it's a very laid back environment with a ton of flexibility. I've been at my job for over 7 years and I wonder if I have stayed too long. A coworker has already confided in me that it is his last tax season and is giving his notice on April 15th and keeps encouraging me to do the same. He's been talking with a headhunter and the headhunter just laughs at what he was getting paid for his position and really laughs at what I am paid for mine. Apparently I am about $20 - $30k underpaid - wow!!! That's a huge difference and I am completely torn about what to do. A part of me is really excited about leaving this job and jumping into the corporate world, better pay, no more horrendous tax season hours, freedom to take vacation whenever I wanted. There are definite benefits to jumping ship. On the other hand, I have amazing freedom at my current job, due to constant understaffing, they give me alot of leeway. During nontax season, I don't work 8 hour days, get to work around 8:30 (I confess, I get there at the same during tax season but I do stay later to make up for it), take a 2 hour lunch, leave around 4:30 and spend a large part of my day goofing off. I know the issues that surround me at my current job, I know the pros and cons of the job, but if I leave and go somewhere else, what if its worse??? I'm so confused about what to do and I wish I had a sign that would show me the correct path I should take. I'm planning on starting clomid in April/May to get pregnant so is this the best time to be looking for a new job? Is it fair to my new employer to take a new job when I know I will be missing alot of work due to fertility treatments and/or possibly needing maternity leave soon (I'm trying to be optimisic)?? Or then again, is it stupid to stay in a job where I am not 100% happy just because I am undergoing fertility treatments and I know they will give me all the time off I want plus would be super flexible if I ever did actually have a child? I'm just so confused and feel a little silly postponing my future based on what if's. What if I am doomed to constantly miscarry and never have a child, if this is my fate then it seems really stupid to stay at this job. I thought I had my sign in August when I found out I was pregnant again, I thought that was a sign to stay where I was b/c they would be flexible and probably would let me work from home. But now, I'm unsure of what to do and I HATE uncertainty. I'm not going to talk to the headhunter until after April 15th about my possibilities so maybe a sign will magically appear and guide me in the right direction because I sure could use the help right now.
On another note, my mother asked me last night if I had read the article in the paper a few weeks ago that said caffeine causes miscarriages. Ah yes, Mom is still on the hunt to find a concrete reason for my losses, apparently the official diagnosis of bad luck/probably chromosomal abnormalities with the babies aren't sufficient for her. So anyway, she asks if I read it and I informed her with a not so pleasant tone to my voice that yes I read it, I was hoping the tone would get the point across to drop the subject. Nope, didn't work. She asked if I thought my Mt. Dew habit was the cause - ah yes,just another item to add to Mom's crazy list of why I miscarried with the implication that they were my fault. I informed her very icily that no, it wasn't and she finally got the hint and dropped the subject. Not quite a trip to Mom's without a punch in the gut, it'd been over a week since she brought up the subject of my uterus so I guess I should've known it was coming. The good news is that the question didn't want to make me cry so I guess I am healing, instead I wanted to beat her over the head with the article and say why do you ask me such stupid things so I am taking this as a good sign.
On another note, my mother asked me last night if I had read the article in the paper a few weeks ago that said caffeine causes miscarriages. Ah yes, Mom is still on the hunt to find a concrete reason for my losses, apparently the official diagnosis of bad luck/probably chromosomal abnormalities with the babies aren't sufficient for her. So anyway, she asks if I read it and I informed her with a not so pleasant tone to my voice that yes I read it, I was hoping the tone would get the point across to drop the subject. Nope, didn't work. She asked if I thought my Mt. Dew habit was the cause - ah yes,just another item to add to Mom's crazy list of why I miscarried with the implication that they were my fault. I informed her very icily that no, it wasn't and she finally got the hint and dropped the subject. Not quite a trip to Mom's without a punch in the gut, it'd been over a week since she brought up the subject of my uterus so I guess I should've known it was coming. The good news is that the question didn't want to make me cry so I guess I am healing, instead I wanted to beat her over the head with the article and say why do you ask me such stupid things so I am taking this as a good sign.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Amendment to An Open Letter
Just an update. I've since talked to the friends that sent the e-mail mentioned in the previous post and we've worked everything out. I've thought about deleting that post, but have decided against it. I wrote that post after I felt extremely hurt and betrayed and I have thought about deleting it just in case I do ever share this blog with people I actually know in real life, but I've decided it against it. I think it stands as an example as to some of the extremely unintentionally hurtful things people say to others following a miscarraige. So I'm leaving it. I want that post to serve as a reminder to people to please be careful about what you say to others that are experiencing something you have no experience with. I realize now my friends did not mean how they came across, I think they were honestly trying to express they were worried about me, but unfortunately that is not what was said. I have truly forgiven what was said but the words still haunt my thoughts.
T. told me the other night, that if you allow someone's words to offend you, then you have given them too much power. This statement struck a cord with me, I let my friends words destroy me one day, I started believing they were right and that I should've been past my grief and I was stupid for feeling this way 5 months later. I now realize I gave them too much power, I cared too much for their opinion when all that really matters is my own.
T. told me the other night, that if you allow someone's words to offend you, then you have given them too much power. This statement struck a cord with me, I let my friends words destroy me one day, I started believing they were right and that I should've been past my grief and I was stupid for feeling this way 5 months later. I now realize I gave them too much power, I cared too much for their opinion when all that really matters is my own.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Random
For once, a positive blog entry... i usually use this blog as way of expressing yucky feelings and use it as a form of therapy and don't discuss much going on in my life outside of the m/c's, so to balance out all the angry entries, here is a list of things that make me happy in no particular order.
- girl scout cookie time. I love this time of year, I get giddy every time I see a girl scout because this means cookies should be close.
- I am in love with my DVR, I don't know how I lived without it before. I can now not worry about missing America's Next Top Model or Project Runway ever again.
- My adorable, dumb as bricks dog. I love the way he comes up and covers my face with puppy kisses, however, I do wish he would not do this after he has licked his butt.
- My bitchy, cranky cat. I can't say I blame because he is missing a back leg, has 2 different colored eyes, is partially deaf, has no nuts and is currently sporting two wicked scars on his face and due to one of these scars, half of his face has been shaved. Just looking at this battle scarred cat cracks me up.
- T. I don't know what I would do without him.
- My new chocolate brown patent leather high heeled mary janes - they are absolutely gorgeous and to die for.
- Taking a break from charting and OPK's, I had no idea how much they were stressing me out until I stopped. Huge stress relief.
- Perez Hilton, love, love, love that website and all the snarky comments he makes.
- Beer, Michelob Ultra in particular, I just love it.
- My job. I don't love my job, however I do love the job security that I currently have. Working in public accounting has a high turnover rate so the fact that I have been at my current job for 7 years is amazing. I seriously think I could show up drunk at this point and not get fired b/c that is how understaffed we are.
- Reese's cup easter eggs, they should sell these year round. Or on second thought maybe it is a good thing they don't because my hips can't afford that.
- My new underwear from VS. I have no idea what kind it is but it is so comfortable. Unfortunately I got it at the semi-annual sale and only got one pair, I can't seem to find any more, actually this is now upsetting me.
- My new pillow.
- Sundays, it is currently my only day of the week I don't have to go into the office and the only day I get to sleep in.
- Ah yes, sleeping, my most favorite thing ever. I am excellent at it, I should have pursued a career as a mattress tester or something where I could put my skills at being able to consistently sleep 12 hours at a time to good use.
- John & Kate plus 8 - actually this show doesn't make me happy, it scares the piss out of me, I just had to get that out.
- girl scout cookie time. I love this time of year, I get giddy every time I see a girl scout because this means cookies should be close.
- I am in love with my DVR, I don't know how I lived without it before. I can now not worry about missing America's Next Top Model or Project Runway ever again.
- My adorable, dumb as bricks dog. I love the way he comes up and covers my face with puppy kisses, however, I do wish he would not do this after he has licked his butt.
- My bitchy, cranky cat. I can't say I blame because he is missing a back leg, has 2 different colored eyes, is partially deaf, has no nuts and is currently sporting two wicked scars on his face and due to one of these scars, half of his face has been shaved. Just looking at this battle scarred cat cracks me up.
- T. I don't know what I would do without him.
- My new chocolate brown patent leather high heeled mary janes - they are absolutely gorgeous and to die for.
- Taking a break from charting and OPK's, I had no idea how much they were stressing me out until I stopped. Huge stress relief.
- Perez Hilton, love, love, love that website and all the snarky comments he makes.
- Beer, Michelob Ultra in particular, I just love it.
- My job. I don't love my job, however I do love the job security that I currently have. Working in public accounting has a high turnover rate so the fact that I have been at my current job for 7 years is amazing. I seriously think I could show up drunk at this point and not get fired b/c that is how understaffed we are.
- Reese's cup easter eggs, they should sell these year round. Or on second thought maybe it is a good thing they don't because my hips can't afford that.
- My new underwear from VS. I have no idea what kind it is but it is so comfortable. Unfortunately I got it at the semi-annual sale and only got one pair, I can't seem to find any more, actually this is now upsetting me.
- My new pillow.
- Sundays, it is currently my only day of the week I don't have to go into the office and the only day I get to sleep in.
- Ah yes, sleeping, my most favorite thing ever. I am excellent at it, I should have pursued a career as a mattress tester or something where I could put my skills at being able to consistently sleep 12 hours at a time to good use.
- John & Kate plus 8 - actually this show doesn't make me happy, it scares the piss out of me, I just had to get that out.
Friday, February 15, 2008
An Open Letter
I realize most of my friends do not understand what I have gone through. They don't understand my journey, not do I expect them to, however, I do expect them to respect my tragedy and to not judge me for it and how I handle my grief. I've been hesitant to tell certain friends how I was really feeling b/c I was scared they would judge me and say something hurtful. T kept asking me why I didn't talk to most people about this and I said it was too hard and I wasn't sure what their reaction would be so I keep it to myself. An event came up that I just didn't want to go to. It would be my closest friends from childhood with all of their families and pregnancies and I just honestly didn't want to come face to face with a reminder of what I had recently lost. I'd been doing fairly well recently and was hoping to continue my forward progess. T encourages me to share my feelings, because of course they will understand, they have known my longer than anyone else. So I write an e-mail explaining why I would not be in attendance, it takes me 3 hours and many tears to get up enough nerve to put my feelings out there and I feel completely raw and exposed. Imagine my shock and horror when a reply comes back telling me that I have serious issues b/c this has been going on for 5 months and I'm still not over it. And as an added bonus, it includes a list informing me of how I have been a really crappy friend lately because I can't share in their lives and be happy for them. But an incredible thing came out of those e-mails, I had a long talk with T, he finally understands why I have trouble talking about it to other people and it's because they just don't get it. He was also shocked at the responses but he finally understood me for the first time when I said I just can't talk to them about this right now. He finally got it and that alone has made me feel like I will be getting through this soon. Just that one conversation has made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so I will take the hurt from the e-mails and remember the good came out of them.
Last time I checked, none of them had to go to the doctor constantly throughout September checking hormone levels and constant ultrasounds to see if their baby had finally died. I don’t recall them spending the month of November undergoing constant testing and spending close to $600 - $700 on copays for all these tests and incurring over $10,000 in medical procedures throughout the month. I don’t recall them having to wait an agonizing 3 weeks for possible answers and finally getting them a week before Christmas, only to find there are no answers. Just a guess of it's bad luck and oh yeah, by the way, your official diagnosis is "habitual aborter" and all of your paperwork will now now state this as your medical condition in order for insurance to cover your tests. I don’t recall their lives being put “on hold” for 3 months due to constant doctor appointments and not having any closure. I have closure now, and yes, I’m still having bad days occassionally, which is to be expected and IS normal and expected. I thought I was doing okay until yesterday I get informed that by other people’s grief time lines it is taking too long and I am crappy, uncaring friend. I don’t recall many friends calling me after my D&C to ask how I was doing and I don’t recall too many questions since then. Communication works both ways, I don’t think I am totally to blame. I’m don't want to attempt to explain what I went through to people that don’t understand and haven’t tried to.
None of them has ever lost a baby and I hope they never do. But I'm guessing that if any of them ever do have a miscarriage, a few months down the road, they would still have those days where seeing reminders just still hurt because the wounds are still fresh and I don't think they would appreciate me informing them that their grief is abnormal and that they should be over it. You don't get over a miscarriage, you just get better at living with it. I don't expect anyone else to grieve for the babies I've lost, but I do ask that you don't judge me when some days it still makes me sad.
I needed to hear my close friends say, we are sorry you won't be in attendance but we understand you are having a hard time. We understand you have lost 2 babies while the rest of have no idea what you have experienced and hopefully never will. We understand there will be times you can't join us b/c sometimes the pain hurts too much but we will be here waiting on you to be ready to join us again soon. That's what I needed to hear.
Last time I checked, none of them had to go to the doctor constantly throughout September checking hormone levels and constant ultrasounds to see if their baby had finally died. I don’t recall them spending the month of November undergoing constant testing and spending close to $600 - $700 on copays for all these tests and incurring over $10,000 in medical procedures throughout the month. I don’t recall them having to wait an agonizing 3 weeks for possible answers and finally getting them a week before Christmas, only to find there are no answers. Just a guess of it's bad luck and oh yeah, by the way, your official diagnosis is "habitual aborter" and all of your paperwork will now now state this as your medical condition in order for insurance to cover your tests. I don’t recall their lives being put “on hold” for 3 months due to constant doctor appointments and not having any closure. I have closure now, and yes, I’m still having bad days occassionally, which is to be expected and IS normal and expected. I thought I was doing okay until yesterday I get informed that by other people’s grief time lines it is taking too long and I am crappy, uncaring friend. I don’t recall many friends calling me after my D&C to ask how I was doing and I don’t recall too many questions since then. Communication works both ways, I don’t think I am totally to blame. I’m don't want to attempt to explain what I went through to people that don’t understand and haven’t tried to.
None of them has ever lost a baby and I hope they never do. But I'm guessing that if any of them ever do have a miscarriage, a few months down the road, they would still have those days where seeing reminders just still hurt because the wounds are still fresh and I don't think they would appreciate me informing them that their grief is abnormal and that they should be over it. You don't get over a miscarriage, you just get better at living with it. I don't expect anyone else to grieve for the babies I've lost, but I do ask that you don't judge me when some days it still makes me sad.
I needed to hear my close friends say, we are sorry you won't be in attendance but we understand you are having a hard time. We understand you have lost 2 babies while the rest of have no idea what you have experienced and hopefully never will. We understand there will be times you can't join us b/c sometimes the pain hurts too much but we will be here waiting on you to be ready to join us again soon. That's what I needed to hear.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Things I know that I wish I didn't
1. snorkeling + tequila + no food = bad idea
2. Pregnancy does not equal baby
3. My parents don't know everything
4. As I get older, my ass is attempting to reach my knees and is getting closer every day.
5. That when T recently announced his new goal rate for racing season, my body got confused and thought it was my goal weight too.
6. My body hates me and goes out of its way to piss me off
7. People that get pregnant the first month of trying and proceed to call themselves "fertile myrtle" should have rocks thrown at them
8. No matter what anyone says, certain drugs are really fun to take (calm down, blog readers, those days are over but it sure is fun to remember)
9. I will eventually turn into my mother, it is inevitable
10. T's family is nuts
11. That I would one day get the opportunity to see my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries on TV
12. I have a tendency to get migraine-like headaches a couple of days around the time my LH surge happens
13. I know what an LH surge is
14. Breast cancer happens to girls in their 20's
15. Progesterone suppositories really help you sleep, seriously - they should market that stuff as a sleeping aid.
16. That my male RE informs me "I'm going to touch you now" before doing any testing - this causes me to giggle every time and I think he thinks I'm really strange
17. Anytime you have a miscarriage, you are guaranteed that at least 3 friends/acquaintances will suddenly announce their pregnancy and that at least 1 will be due around your due date - apparently it's a law
18. That my natural hair color is naturally a very dark brown and apparently people hate it - I'm keeping it for a while just because I forgot how nice it was to not have to cover up roots constantly, after 15 years of hair coloring, I decided I needed a break.
19. I look better as a red head and people are not shy about telling me that
20. That it costs approximately $1,200 to have a cat's leg removed - of course this was the total after 2 previous surgeries to remove the cat's toes in an attempt to save the leg. Should've just removed the whole leg the 1st surgery and saved us some money and the cat some pain.
21. God gave my dog the saddest puppy eyes ever in order to make me feel horribly guilty every time I leave him alone
22. That my insurance copay to have a baby in a hospital would be $100
23. That my insurance copay to have a D&C is $150 - does this seem fair at all?
24. Lortabs are great
25. I've learned that I can go through 2 miscarriages and survive.
2. Pregnancy does not equal baby
3. My parents don't know everything
4. As I get older, my ass is attempting to reach my knees and is getting closer every day.
5. That when T recently announced his new goal rate for racing season, my body got confused and thought it was my goal weight too.
6. My body hates me and goes out of its way to piss me off
7. People that get pregnant the first month of trying and proceed to call themselves "fertile myrtle" should have rocks thrown at them
8. No matter what anyone says, certain drugs are really fun to take (calm down, blog readers, those days are over but it sure is fun to remember)
9. I will eventually turn into my mother, it is inevitable
10. T's family is nuts
11. That I would one day get the opportunity to see my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries on TV
12. I have a tendency to get migraine-like headaches a couple of days around the time my LH surge happens
13. I know what an LH surge is
14. Breast cancer happens to girls in their 20's
15. Progesterone suppositories really help you sleep, seriously - they should market that stuff as a sleeping aid.
16. That my male RE informs me "I'm going to touch you now" before doing any testing - this causes me to giggle every time and I think he thinks I'm really strange
17. Anytime you have a miscarriage, you are guaranteed that at least 3 friends/acquaintances will suddenly announce their pregnancy and that at least 1 will be due around your due date - apparently it's a law
18. That my natural hair color is naturally a very dark brown and apparently people hate it - I'm keeping it for a while just because I forgot how nice it was to not have to cover up roots constantly, after 15 years of hair coloring, I decided I needed a break.
19. I look better as a red head and people are not shy about telling me that
20. That it costs approximately $1,200 to have a cat's leg removed - of course this was the total after 2 previous surgeries to remove the cat's toes in an attempt to save the leg. Should've just removed the whole leg the 1st surgery and saved us some money and the cat some pain.
21. God gave my dog the saddest puppy eyes ever in order to make me feel horribly guilty every time I leave him alone
22. That my insurance copay to have a baby in a hospital would be $100
23. That my insurance copay to have a D&C is $150 - does this seem fair at all?
24. Lortabs are great
25. I've learned that I can go through 2 miscarriages and survive.
Hurtful things
On Thursday as I was dropping the dog off for a day with his grandparents, my mom stopped me as I walking out the door to go to work and informed me that she sure wishes I would get pregnant so that she would have a reason to quit her job. WTF???? Now, she's always said hurtful things to me in the past regarding the miscarriages but it shocked me she would say something so completely insensitive to my face. She's asked me before if I didn't take my prenatal vitamins and if I thought that having a cyst removed from my back caused the miscarriages - how nice of her to imply I caused them. It's always a struggle to accept the fact that you didn't cause it but it makes it harder when well-meaning family tries to tell you that you did. I realize she doesn't know what she says is hurtful because she would never, ever say it if she realized this. She is not a mean person at all and it would just kill her if she knew how much she upset me so I don't tell her. But man, that really sucked hearing her say that. I called T on the way to work all upset and he said she had told him the same thing a week ago and he just hadn't told me, thank goodness he didn't relay that message to me. I told both my sisters what she said and they were shocked - nice to know it wasn't just me overreacting. My oldest sister said mom tells her that all the time but she said she had no idea mom ever said to my face. My other sister said I could tell mom that I suspected she had a drinking/drug problem so that mom will begin concentrating all concerns toward her - ha!!
On another note, I bought some new workout video's last weekend and have yet to use them. However, I've dropped 2lbs so I am considering the purchase a success, I am planning on watching lots of crappy TV today with the video's beside me to see if the weight loss continues.
On another note, I bought some new workout video's last weekend and have yet to use them. However, I've dropped 2lbs so I am considering the purchase a success, I am planning on watching lots of crappy TV today with the video's beside me to see if the weight loss continues.
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