Last night T tells me that our step-SIL is pregnant. Again. She just had her 1st child in May, 2 weeks after my 2nd EDD. Now, I will be the first one to admit, that I handled the news of her first pregnancy badly. There was lots of crying involved, but I was told 2 weeks after my 2nd m/c, which was an extremely long, emotionally draining event. It was devastating to hear that I would have to watch my step-SIL go through her pregnancy, knowing that I should be right there with her and watch the excited faces of all of family members. It sucked. It still pains me to see her beautiful little girl, I haven't even been able to bring myself to hold her yet. But, back to present day. T tells me and I just laugh b/c it was so quick. T is then surprised that I have not broken down into a big mess. I told him, it's different this time, I'm not supposed to be pregnant too, I won't lie, it does sting a little but not nearly the gut wrenching pain/jealousy I felt the first time, not even close. He then brought up the time he told me our neighbor was pregnant and I went to pieces, once again, this was 1 week after the 3rd m/c and she is due 1 week before I was. She's even having a little boy like we were, I tried to explain to him that certain situations were harder to hear about but I don't think he understood at all.
I then find out he has know for over a month. A MONTH!!!! Turns out he and his family have been scared to tell me. Now I'm just pissed and embarassed that they felt like they couldn't tell me. T keeps telling me that sometimes I act sad and depressed. I still get sad sometimes, yes, but it is normal, I've had a terrible year, cut me some slack. T is always telling me I keep everything inside and he never knows how I feel so I make an effort and now I am being treated with kids gloves. He claims he is walking on eggshells. I think this has more to do with his growing up with a manic-depressive father and he doesn't know how to handle emotions very well but I don't know.
Looking back, after the 2nd m/c I did go through a horrible phase, it was a m/c that involved a low heart beat that took almost a month to go away and next thing I knew the holiday season was upon us. During this time, I found out one of my best friends was pregnant, due on my due date may I add, my step SIL was pregnant and due 2 weeks after me and then another good friend also announced she was pregnant. I had a horrible holiday season of 2007 and I was not in a good place. I am no longer in that bad place and I don't think T fully believes me. I think he is so concerned that I am going to slip back into that zone that he is being overly cautious with me and it's not doing either one of us any good. I'm now too embarassed to even talk to his family, I'm convinced that they now all think I am a complete wacko. Will life ever get uncomplicated?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Update to Colon Cleansing
Day 8 - absolutely no weight lost. Just another sign my body hates me and it's only goal in life is to piss me off.
Monday, September 1, 2008
How far do I go?
I'm now completely, utterly confused. I finally decide to not do clomid b/c I am too scared of side effects and I don't want to be monitored, too much stess that I don't need. I went to a chiropractor for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago for some hip and back pain that I have had for years. The chiro is a good friend of T's and knows about all the m/c's. His wife had 3 m/c's also between their 2nd and 3rd child, also unexplained. The chiro gave me a gift certificate for a free one hour massage with the massage therapist at his clinic last october after the 2nd m/c. Since it had been so long, I decided recently to use it before it expired.
The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.
At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).
In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.
The massage therapist is also licensed in fertility massage. I had no idea this even existed. She had seen my chart and spoken to the chiro beforehand so she was aware of my habitual aborting tendencies. During the massage she starts telling me about the fertility massage and it is a series of massages involving a combination of accunpuncture, accupressure and also castor oil. Now, I don't understand how rubbing castor oil on my abdomen will help but she claims it does, I've now since forgotten what she said it does, I think I was trying not to burse into laughter at the castor oil rub. At the end of my regular massage, she informed me I should seriously consider the fertility massage b/c she said she could tell my muscles were full of lactic acid and toxins and that I needed to get this cleared up before trying to get pregnant again. My first thought, total laughter b/c it sounded so "out there". Second thought, WTF - is this just another way to separate me from my money, b/c the massages were not cheap!!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVED to finally hear, that yes, your body is f*cked up and is fixable, but at the same time, it seems so strange to me. I was thinking it made sense when she was talking about the combination of accupuncture and accupressure, it's when the castor oil rub on the abdomen that got mentioned that I started to think she was a little loony.
At first, I thought, no way will I even entertain the idea of a fertility massage, I'm not that desperate. But now, that little seed of doubt has been planted in my head. What if I get pregnant again and m/c again without trying this - will I blame myself for not doing everything possible???? I hate being this desperate (yes I admit it).
In the meantime, T has convinced me to do a colon cleansing and I just noticed on the bottle that it said do not take if pregnant or nursing. I think every bottle says this but now I am worried. I had planned on not trying, but not avoiding either this cycle just to see what happens. I seriously doubt the colon cleanser would harm anything, I have a theory that the warning is put on everything just to scare every pregnant woman into thinking she should live in a plastic bubble. And I just sit here and laugh at myself for even being concerned about this when I am not even actively trying to get pregnant. On a side note, my SIL and T have both lost between 10 to 15 pounds doing this cleansing, I am totally hoping to have the same results, first two days, no weight change, I think I've actually gained a pound instead - stupid frickin body.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Stupid gmail
Okay not sure what is going on but a few people that I have been sending e-mails too have told me they aren't getting my e-mails. So frustrated, no idea what's going on with my gmail. I'm usually a great e-mail, I don't understand why they aren't going through, either that or it's a big conspiracy on everyone's part to not return my e-mails. Anyway, if you are someone I usually e-mail, please shoot me an e-mail, I have no idea why mine aren't sending
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Update
Pretty much nothing new to report. Had my 1st pregnancy scare post 3rd m/c - wow - made me realize how unready emotionally I am to be pregnant again. I was not excited at all about the possibility, totally scared. think that is a sign I need to wait and I am okay with that.
On another note, my freakin car died for the 4,000th time this past weekend so I had to get another car. I hate buying cars, the only thing worse is paying for them. I finally found the car I have been wanting and I must say I get a smile on my face evertime I get in the car. The dog loves it too, which is really the most important.
On another note, my freakin car died for the 4,000th time this past weekend so I had to get another car. I hate buying cars, the only thing worse is paying for them. I finally found the car I have been wanting and I must say I get a smile on my face evertime I get in the car. The dog loves it too, which is really the most important.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
To CRG
Thank you so much for your sweet comment you left on my previous entry. It means so much to me that someone read this and took the time to leave a note saying how much it had helped them. I noticed I couldn't link to a blog or anything for you so I am leaving this thank you here. If you want to get in touch through e-mail, please leave me another comment and let me know, I'll figure out a way to get my e-mail address to you. I am always searching for other girls who understand what I've gone through and would love to chat, somewhere not on the internet where everyone can see :) I'm leaving to go out of the country until July 21st and will not have internet access until then so it may be awhile before you hear back from me.
Thanks again for the sweet comment, and I totally understand if you don't want to get in touch with some crazy person who's blog you read, no offense taken if you don't respond to this.
Thanks again for the sweet comment, and I totally understand if you don't want to get in touch with some crazy person who's blog you read, no offense taken if you don't respond to this.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The red haired lady is coming back
After the 2nd m/c I decided that life as a redhead was sucking big time so I decided to dye my hair back to its natural brown color, which I hadn't seen since I was 15 years old. I have pale skin with freckles, so the red looks totally natural on me, it is very hard to convince people that brunette is my actual hair color. So while dying my hair back to brown, I had a boo-boo, I missed my natural hair color and it went to dark, dark brown, um, actually black. Whoops!!! I looked like Goth girl for about a month when my hair dresser begged me to change it. So I then spend 4 hours at the salon attempting to remove the black from my hair and the goal is to change it back to a shade of red. Hmmmmm, apparently my hair was really pissed at me and it just went to a lighter shade of brown, but at least it was no longer black. Pale skin and freckles do not look good with black hair. I kept thinking I would come out with a gorgoeous shade of chestnut brown hair, silky and shiny just like in the Nice N Easy Commercials. What was I thinking, this is me, we're talking about. It turns to a lovely shade of doo-doo brown instead. So after lengthy discussion with hairdresser we decide my hair is super damaged and needs a break. I've finally decided to change it back, I think most of the damage is reversed and I am ready to reclaim my old self. I think I was more fun as a red head. I hate the dark haired girl who has gained too much weight and is mad at the world, it's time to bring back the red and reclaim my old self. I cannot wait. I miss my red hair so bad. Plus we are going on cruise on Saturday so I definitely want the red back!! Cannot wait until Tuesday, such a big day!
On another note, i tried on the formal dresses I wore on last years cruise thinking I would just wear those again. Tried on the 1st one, still fit. Tried on the 2nd, it technically fits, however, it is a knit jersey material and it clings to the recently expanded saddlebags. Gross. I cannot bring myself to wear the dress that highlights the saddlebags as well as the new curve to the belly. I am beyond frustrated. I can wear one of the dresses twice, it shouldn't be any big deal but it caused a mild meltdown this afternoon when it truly hit me how much weight I have gained since the 2nd m/c. it is an awful feeling. I swear my eating habits and exercise habits have not changed, yet I am still gaining weight. I'm only 5 foot 3, I can't afford to gain anymore. 15lbs in one year is awful and I am starting to dread the the cruise. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere that required heavy, winter clothes??? I will have to put on a swimsuit at some point, waah. We're going with our best friends from college and the wife is super tiny and cute, I will look like a beached whale next to her. Aaacck, my body after multiple m/c sucks. Cellulite city and its all my fault. Blech.... When the dark hair goes on Tuesday, it better take some of the excess weight with it.
On another note, i tried on the formal dresses I wore on last years cruise thinking I would just wear those again. Tried on the 1st one, still fit. Tried on the 2nd, it technically fits, however, it is a knit jersey material and it clings to the recently expanded saddlebags. Gross. I cannot bring myself to wear the dress that highlights the saddlebags as well as the new curve to the belly. I am beyond frustrated. I can wear one of the dresses twice, it shouldn't be any big deal but it caused a mild meltdown this afternoon when it truly hit me how much weight I have gained since the 2nd m/c. it is an awful feeling. I swear my eating habits and exercise habits have not changed, yet I am still gaining weight. I'm only 5 foot 3, I can't afford to gain anymore. 15lbs in one year is awful and I am starting to dread the the cruise. Why couldn't we have gone somewhere that required heavy, winter clothes??? I will have to put on a swimsuit at some point, waah. We're going with our best friends from college and the wife is super tiny and cute, I will look like a beached whale next to her. Aaacck, my body after multiple m/c sucks. Cellulite city and its all my fault. Blech.... When the dark hair goes on Tuesday, it better take some of the excess weight with it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Whispers
Maybe I am over thinking things too much but this is really bothering me lately. With the first m/c I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, we weren't trying to get pregnant and I just assumed it was a fluke and I probably didn't deal with it the way I should have. When the 2nd one happened, I was beyond devastated, I had no idea it could happen twice. It opened up wounds from the 1st one that I didn't even know I had. When the 2nd one happend, I felt so alone, I didn't know anyone that had ever had 2. After the 2nd one and the 3rd miscarriages, I decided to talk more about the experience, the aftermath, all the testing and that's when people would whisper into my ear that they knew of someone that this had happened to and yada, yada, yada. It took me bringing up the subject to hear of other stories of people like me, which for anyone that has been through this knows how hard it is to bring this subject up. Since then, I've decided to be more open about my inability to sustain a pregnancy and my experiences in the infertility world. I hope that since I am more vocal about it, I can one day help someone that is in my unfortunate situation and they will know that they are not alone. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when people would finally confide and whisper to me that they had been in my shoes but it sure would've been nice to know it ahead of time. I would've like to have those stories running through my head as I sat there, numb, looking at an ultrasound screen of yet another heartbeat that has stopped. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt so alone.
I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.
I hate the fact that recurrent loss and miscarriages are always whispered about in hushed tones. Are the whispers and hushed tones necessary? It's not like I've got some awful disease that anyone can catch, I promise it's not contagious. When I hear whispers, it always feels like the topic of the whispers is something that is too awful to say at normal volume. Like it is shameful. Yet as I sit here and bitch about the whispers, I have not shared this blog with anyone I know in real life. It's just floating out here in cyberspace, being read by people that have no idea who I am or what I look like, just read by people who have been through similar experiences. Very odd. How is it I can bare my soul regarding all these thoughts on miscarriage with a bunch of strangers, yet I am scared to let anyone I know besides T read this? Why is this? If I ever knew anyone in my real life that had multiple miscarriages I would share this with them in a heartbeat, but why I am so hesitant right now? Is it because I am scared that if people I know in real life actually knew how much pain this has caused me I would be ashamed? Society keeps this topic as one that is whispered about and I am now that horror story that gets whispered at parties, the story where everyone says "poor thing" and "bless her heart" and I hate it, I hate that people pity me and don't fully understand what I have been through. And I shouldn't be ashamed, I'm really not ashamed of what I've been through, I'm more ashamed that I am not totally forthcoming about my feelings with everyone. I've had a handful of horrible reactions when I tell people I'm struggling with the grief (which is normal may I add) that it makes it hard. Most people are great, but once you've been on the bad end of a horrible, insensitive comment, it makes you hesitate about who you talk to. I wish it wasn't this way, maybe one day I will share this with people I know in real life, but right now I'm just too scared of the reactions.
SURPRISE!!!
Ah yes, it's that time again. It's time to bitch about my mother-in-law. I just don't know what to think of her anymore, I don't know if she is intentionally a bitch to me or she just doesn't know any better. I hope it's that she just doesn't know any better. Long story short, when T called to tell her about the 3rd m/c, her first reply was "I'm sorry, have they not figured out what is wrong with her yet?". Now that made me angry, implying that there is something wrong with ME. Of course, since she never, ever called or asked about the RPL testing from the 2nd m/c, she had no idea that so far everything I have been tested for shows normal, no issues, just bad luck. Second reply after hearing news of the 3rd m/c was to inform T that she was busy planning his sister's 30th surprise b-day party and then proceeded to fill him in on all the details for the next 10 minutes. Please keep in mind that we called her on April 9th to deliver the bad news, his sister turns 30 on June 30th, needless to say I was peeved and hurt that the 3rd m/c didn't even seem to warrant more of a reaction from her. When T called to tell her everything from the D&C went okay this time, all she talked about was his sister's party yet again. So in short, either she has no idea what to say about the m/c's or she really just doesn't care.
Fast forward to last weekend. She asks T if he thinks its a good idea to include me in the surprise 30th b-day party since my 30th will be at the end of July. T says no, he says it's not fair to ask us to split b-day parties. His mother decides to ignore his advice and tells the rest of T's family the party is for me also. I have an awesome brother in law who called me yesterday morning to tip me off about the party, I immediately call T to tell him what's going on and he is furious. After some calling around, I discover that his mother has not invited ANYONE that I know to the party, none of my famiy and friends were invited, yet it is a suprise party for me. Yep, I would definitely be surprised alright to walk into a room full of people I don't know and have them all yell "SURPRISE" at me, it would definitely be a shock. The party isn't even in the same town that we live in, it's about an hours drive, why in the world would someone think this is a good idea? Why would she think I would want a 30th b-day party that is nothing but T's sister's friends??? Seriously - who does this crap???????
T has since sent his mother a not-so-nice e-mail about the party so I am assuming it is no longer a surprise for me after that e-mail. Of course we still haven't heard from her so who knows, I guess I better be prepared for a room full of strangers to yell surprise at me on Friday just in case.
Fast forward to last weekend. She asks T if he thinks its a good idea to include me in the surprise 30th b-day party since my 30th will be at the end of July. T says no, he says it's not fair to ask us to split b-day parties. His mother decides to ignore his advice and tells the rest of T's family the party is for me also. I have an awesome brother in law who called me yesterday morning to tip me off about the party, I immediately call T to tell him what's going on and he is furious. After some calling around, I discover that his mother has not invited ANYONE that I know to the party, none of my famiy and friends were invited, yet it is a suprise party for me. Yep, I would definitely be surprised alright to walk into a room full of people I don't know and have them all yell "SURPRISE" at me, it would definitely be a shock. The party isn't even in the same town that we live in, it's about an hours drive, why in the world would someone think this is a good idea? Why would she think I would want a 30th b-day party that is nothing but T's sister's friends??? Seriously - who does this crap???????
T has since sent his mother a not-so-nice e-mail about the party so I am assuming it is no longer a surprise for me after that e-mail. Of course we still haven't heard from her so who knows, I guess I better be prepared for a room full of strangers to yell surprise at me on Friday just in case.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Day 53
Or at least I think it is Day 53, regardless it's been a long time and I finally got my period!!!! Yay!!! Just need to schedule SIS and then that's the last test to be done after the 3rd m/c. Woohoo, no more pins and needles for me. Now if I can just get over my fear of pregnancy......
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Day 38
38 days since my D&C and where in the hell is my period?? No signs to indicate it will be anytime soon. I took my temp this morning and it was low, much lower than my post ovulation temps so I am assuming that I haven't even ovulated yet. I'll check it again tomorrow for confirmation but this is so frustrating. I know 38 days is not that long, but last time my period came back 32 days after the D&C and the time before that it was a similar amount of time. My regular cycle is 26 days. Argh, I think my body is really f'd up after this past miscarriage and I completely understand why. It's been a very traumatic 7 months, not sure how much more my body can take.
I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.
I have to go see my SIL's new baby tomorrow, I use the term SIL for lack of a better term. She is T's step brother's wife, not really an in law but not sure what to call her. Anyway, her daughter will only be 6 days old tomorrow and I am dreading it. I should have a 3 week old to be showing off. I don't want to go tomorrow but I know if I don't, T's family will talk so I'm going. T doesn't want me to for fear seeing the baby will set me back emotionally but I feel the need to get it over with. This baby will be in our family forever now, I can't keep avoiding her. T's step mother has already told another family member that I am "jaded" so I feel the need to show my face to show that I am surviving. His step mom, means well, really she does but she keeps sending me e-mails saying we can always try again. I realize we can try again but after 3 losses, that is easier said than done. PLus, I still miss the babies we should have had, trying again won't take that pain away. The pain will always be there in one form or another, right now the pain is still extremely raw.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Note to self....
Must remember to never, ever, ever travel anywhere with the World's Most Annoying Man (WMAM). Your inability to do ANYTHING for yourself and your constant complaning and bitching was truly a buzzkill during what was supposed to be a fun group vacation/bike race. After spending 8 consecutive days with WMAM, I am now scared to have children just in case they turn out to be like him. Thanks, WMAM - like I didn't have enough fears with pregnancy and babies already.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Test Results
I went back on the 6th for my post D&C check up, surprising, no pelvic exams or dildo cams or peeing in a cup was involved. I'd forgotten what is like to go to the doctor and not have to be naked from the waist down - it was a nice change. Although I did have to pee horribly bad since I'd been drinking water like a mad woman b/c I thought I would have to pee in a cup. My mistake.
Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!
The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.
I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.
Before the D&C, more blood tests were run to see if I had a clotting disorder that appears while pregnant. These tests were run as part of my RPL panel in November and came up normal then so they retested to see if anything changed while pregnant. The test results came in normal, as expected. Argh. Dr. A. said that next pregnancy will most likely include twice daily shots of heparin, yuckity yuck yuck. As long as it works, I'm game at this point. Also mentioned accupuncture and possibly clomid. I'm now referring to the next pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" b/c it sounds like lots of needles will be involved - oh joy!!
The tissue sample from the D&C was not sufficient to run the full karyotype on so an abbreviated test called FISH (it actually is an extremely long word that I have no idea how to spell or even remember so I'm going with the acronym) and it tested for all common chromosomal abnormalities. Test results came back normal male. Boo, I now know it was a boy. It's made the loss more "real" knowing it was a boy, I've had some emotional setbacks upon finding out this news but I'm getting better.
I get to go back at the beginning of June to have more bloodwork retested to see if anything on the RPL panel has changed and Dr. A is going to tell me at that appt if any additional testing is needed, so I know nothing until June at the earliest. Needless to say, I am currently in the penalty box and not allowed to get pregnant for a few months, which is fine by me, I don't think I could handle another pregnancy at this moment, I think I might have a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all so I am enjoying my time in the stress free penalty box. Or at least I am this week.
Giggles....
My step brother-in-law's life partner, yes you read that right, my husband's step brother is gay and has a life partner. I will call him S. I could write a book on the craziness that is mine and T's family b/c it is hysterical but I will save that for other entries. Anyway S calls me last night and I haven't talked to him in a few months, not since the 3rd m/c. He calls to tell me that T's step mom had forwarded him the e-mail I sent her regarding the chromosomal testing and he giggled and said that step mom said I sounded jaded. I think she read my e-mail correctly, I'm totally jaded and not sure why this is suprising. I think when I referred to the next future pregnancy as "Project Pin Cushion" it bothered her. Mental note: send carefully worded e-mails to T's step mom b/c I don't think she likes my sense of humor on the subject. S. tells me he wants to be know ALL test results and wants to be a bigger part of my TTC journey, he even said he would help me track my cycles - how funny and sweet is that? I could have a gay male try to help my get pregnant and stay pregnant - maybe the gay male factor is what has been missing this whole time, he could be the missing key to this whole puzzle.
I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.
I go back in June to begin more fun tests (currently unknown tests at the moment) and I'll be sure to send him all the gory details involving dildo cams and ultrasounds to see if he actually responds.
Monday, May 5, 2008
EDD
Today is my EDD from the 2nd m/c. The day I have been dreading is finally here. I now no longer have a continuous countdown of where I should have been with this pregnancy. It's a relief. One of best friends was due next week, her little boy was born last week. It hurts to see those pics and I know that for the rest of my life her little boy will forever remind me of what I lost. I desperately wish I was holding my own little baby and that our children would grow up to be friends but that is not my reality.
I'm working on dealing with my reality that having babies will not be easy for us. I will never have a stress free pregnancy due to the 3 m/c's and that I will probably need medical help to achieve the 4th. For some reason, that has been a very hard thing to admit. The RE offered me fertility drugs when I was attempting the 3rd pregnancy but I said no, I never dreamed a 3rd m/c would happen. I think I'm going to take any assistance that is offered this time, I don't know if I can handle a 4th.
Oh the irony, my post D&C check up is tomorrow from the 3rd m/c. Yup, instead of holding my baby and worrying about if I will ever get to sleep again, i get to go discuss the 3rd m/c and the future game plan. I can only hope a dildo cam ultrasound will be included tomorrow to top the day off. Real funny joke the universe is playing on me at the moment.
I'm working on dealing with my reality that having babies will not be easy for us. I will never have a stress free pregnancy due to the 3 m/c's and that I will probably need medical help to achieve the 4th. For some reason, that has been a very hard thing to admit. The RE offered me fertility drugs when I was attempting the 3rd pregnancy but I said no, I never dreamed a 3rd m/c would happen. I think I'm going to take any assistance that is offered this time, I don't know if I can handle a 4th.
Oh the irony, my post D&C check up is tomorrow from the 3rd m/c. Yup, instead of holding my baby and worrying about if I will ever get to sleep again, i get to go discuss the 3rd m/c and the future game plan. I can only hope a dildo cam ultrasound will be included tomorrow to top the day off. Real funny joke the universe is playing on me at the moment.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Too bored to give it a title
Lately I've been wondering how it is possible that I am walking around and functioning in the real world. I mean, I just had my 3rd m/c, I should be hiding under a rock somewhere. Instead, for the most part I think I am doing okay.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.
I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.
Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days and bad moments, moments where my grief hurts so bad that I don't think I can ever try again. The kind of grief that is all encompassing and you just sit down and wail, b/c you don't know what else to do. I feel better after getting the emotion out, it's like a release.
I had dinner with an awesome friend last night, a friend that is currently have some health issues that directly affect her ability to have children. Very scary situation she is dealing with. Anyway, of course of dinner the subject of having children comes up and she asks whenever me and T decide to try again, am I going to plan it around which months I want to be huge and pregnant in b/c being extremely pregnant in the deep south in the summer does not really sound like fun. I just had to laugh when she asked me this, I told her that I used to worry about such issues but I now realize I have no control over the situation and I no longer have the luxury of worrying about things like being due in the summer. I long for the days when I thought I had control over the situation, I would give anything to go back those carefree days when I thought I could control when i would have a baby.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Things that suck
D&C is over, just waiting on the real fun to begin. Since I have been through this before, I know the worst is yet to come, the dreaded hormone crash. I'm pretty sure the crash has already started b/c I feel like an absolute nut case. I'm fine one minute, crying for the next 5 minutes, angry at the world for another 10 minutes and then go back to fine. It sucks. I HATE this phase. I took me months to get through this phase last time and I am not looking forward to repeating it so soon. Just another gripe to add to the list of things that suck about miscarriage. Speaking of which, I think I will start the list now:
1. Losing the baby - self explanatory and it sucks the big one.
2. Loss of innocence regarding pregnancy - I now have no innocence, I know bad things happen and pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm totally jaded.
3. Trying to act normal afterwards - miscarriage changes you, yet people expect you to act like everything is normal and get on with your life.
4. The Deafening Silence - there are always some people that you are astounded by how they react which is they say nothing and don't acknowledge your loss. Silence is loud, very loud.
5. Pads - after a D&C you can't wear tampons, so you have to wear a pad, I feel like I'm in middle school all over again.
6. No sex - self explanatory. Just when I feel totally alone and really need intimacy, put on the injured reserve list for 2 weeks.
Sidenote: Afer a D&C, they always go over a list of things that you cannot put in your hoo-haa for at least 2 weeks due to risk of infection. It always makes me wonder that after the 2 weeks can I put just any old thing up there???? Always wondered what else the doctor's are referring to....
7. Changes - your body freaks out and suddenly decides it hates you. Acne, weight gain, hair loss, etc, etc.
8. Wacky cycles - further proof your body hates you, you have no idea when your cycle will return, and once it does, there is no guarantee it will be normal for months.
9. Doctor's visits - I now have no modesty regarding my girlie parts. I think everyone in town has seen them at this point I've had so many vag ultrasounds and pelvic exams, I don't know why I bother to wear to pants now.
10. Paranoia that pregnant people stalk you - after a loss, pregnant people come out of everywhere in an attempt to torture you. It's not fair, it's really not.
11. Pitying looks - when you tell people what has happened, you get the look of pity. That awful look that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. It's awful, I hate the pity look. Sometimes I'd rather hear a dumb ass comment than receive the "look of pity".
12. "Helpful" suggestions - I use the word "helpful" loosely. People that have every intention of being helpful will offer up helpful suggestions of what to try next time or why you miscarried. If the suggestion is really dumb, I think it should be legal to bite the person.
That's all I have at the moment, if anyone knows of any other sucky things regarding miscarriage that I have forgotten, please let me know and I will be glad to update the list. Right now my mind has gone blank.
1. Losing the baby - self explanatory and it sucks the big one.
2. Loss of innocence regarding pregnancy - I now have no innocence, I know bad things happen and pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm totally jaded.
3. Trying to act normal afterwards - miscarriage changes you, yet people expect you to act like everything is normal and get on with your life.
4. The Deafening Silence - there are always some people that you are astounded by how they react which is they say nothing and don't acknowledge your loss. Silence is loud, very loud.
5. Pads - after a D&C you can't wear tampons, so you have to wear a pad, I feel like I'm in middle school all over again.
6. No sex - self explanatory. Just when I feel totally alone and really need intimacy, put on the injured reserve list for 2 weeks.
Sidenote: Afer a D&C, they always go over a list of things that you cannot put in your hoo-haa for at least 2 weeks due to risk of infection. It always makes me wonder that after the 2 weeks can I put just any old thing up there???? Always wondered what else the doctor's are referring to....
7. Changes - your body freaks out and suddenly decides it hates you. Acne, weight gain, hair loss, etc, etc.
8. Wacky cycles - further proof your body hates you, you have no idea when your cycle will return, and once it does, there is no guarantee it will be normal for months.
9. Doctor's visits - I now have no modesty regarding my girlie parts. I think everyone in town has seen them at this point I've had so many vag ultrasounds and pelvic exams, I don't know why I bother to wear to pants now.
10. Paranoia that pregnant people stalk you - after a loss, pregnant people come out of everywhere in an attempt to torture you. It's not fair, it's really not.
11. Pitying looks - when you tell people what has happened, you get the look of pity. That awful look that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die. It's awful, I hate the pity look. Sometimes I'd rather hear a dumb ass comment than receive the "look of pity".
12. "Helpful" suggestions - I use the word "helpful" loosely. People that have every intention of being helpful will offer up helpful suggestions of what to try next time or why you miscarried. If the suggestion is really dumb, I think it should be legal to bite the person.
That's all I have at the moment, if anyone knows of any other sucky things regarding miscarriage that I have forgotten, please let me know and I will be glad to update the list. Right now my mind has gone blank.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
D&C scheduled
Yay!!! Yes and I mean yay. This means closure and I desperately need that. This waiting for a week and half has sucked, big time. Of course, it is still better than the last time when I had to wait 3 weeks for the heartbeat to stop, now that was torture. The week and a half wait has been a cake walk compared to that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
I need to know that I am officially not pregnant anymore and that this waiting is over. Tomorrow will be a relief. Unfortunately, I also know the hormone crash is pending and that will be here soon but I am ready to get this show on the road. I'm glad they are doing chromosome testing on the tissue and I hope to get some answers in a few weeks. Answers would be great to hear right now.
In related crappy family news, I just talked to my SIL and all she talked about was her daugher's upcoming dance recital and her new house. Seriously - would it be too much to ask about the upcoming surgery??? Of course, she and my MIL have acted like they don't care so we haven't even told them about the D&C yet so I guess it's partly my fault. When we called my MIL to tell her about the 3rd m/c, she asked if they had ever figured out what was wrong with me (um, hello, obviously not) and then proceeded to tell us to clear our calenders for the end of June b/c she was working on SIL's surprise 30th b-day party. Seriously. My 3rd m/c got trumped for a b-day party that is 2.5 months away but that's the way it is in T's family. His sister is the apple of everyone's eye and we must pay constant attention to her, so it is refreshing to know that somethings will never change. No matter what T & I go through, his sister will always have something more important going on - gag!!
I should say that I post alot about crappy friends and family, I do want to add that I have some family and friends that are absolutely AMAZING and I cherish each and every one of them. It's just the ones that stink that get talked about on here. I need to vent about them and this is one of my only safe outlets to do that.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Frustration
I'm in this strange place right now emotionally. I realize I will be having a D&C soon yet I don't think it has fully set in yet that it has really happened again. It still seems very surreal, it feels like years ago I thought I was pregnant and going to have a baby, now it just seems like I was never pregnant this past time and I'm just going for some random outpatient surgery next week. Very odd.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
This experience has also made me realize how truly isolating miscarriage is. I felt very alone with the 1st one, even more alone after the 2nd and now with the 3rd on it's way I feel completely numb. I have no friends or family who has ever had this happen. I've had a couple of friends have very early miscarraiges (at around 4 weeks) who have gone on to get pregnant the next month and had healthy babies. I don't know anyone who has experienced what I have experienced and it is very isolating.
I found out today that I was not invited to one of my oldest friend's little girl's 1st birthday party. Wow - what a slap in the face. I just told her about the 3rd m/c on Wednesday, so I know invites went out way before I shared that news. My feelings are beyond hurt that I was excluded. A couple of months ago, she was having a BBQ at her house with a bunch of our close friends. After working up alot of nerve, I told her I wasn't coming b/c everyone there would either be pregnant or have little babies and I just did not feel up to being around that at the moment. She replied back that I should probably seek counseling if I was still upset about the 2nd m/c that had occured 4 months earlier - wow that was the first slap in the face. It was after reading this series of e-mails that it really struck home for me how isolating losing a child is. Until you've been there, you have NO idea. I'm assuming this e-mail from 2 months ago is why I wasn't invited. The friend that accidentally told me about the party (of course she assumed I was invited) tried to cover for the other girl and said it was probably because she didn't want to upset me by inviting me to the party. So that makes sense, go out of your way to NOT hurt my feelings by NOT telling me about your little girls 1st birthday party?????? How was this NOT hurting my feelings???? Is she scared that if I came I would break down in tears and ruin the party? Or was she scared that my habitual aborting tendancies might rub off on her or some of her other fertile guests? I am beyond hurt at this. I was host at her g-damn baby shower, I've known her for 20 years, since we were in 2nd grade and I wasn't invited to her little girl's birthday party? I'm helping her host another baby shower next weekend and I still was not invited, did she honestly think I wouldn't find out?
An awesome friend of mine had a little sister lose twins a year ago. She told me her sister is no longer speaking to some of her old friends b/c of the way they reacted to the m/c. I think her sister had the right idea. After going through this 3 times, I know who my true friends are, the ones that call me and ask how I am doing. The ones that ask if I need anything and I know would do whatever was asked. The ones who send e-mails daily asking me how my day is going and if I'm handling everything okay. those are the friends I need to keep. I'm thinking my friendship with this girl has been irrevocably damaged and I don't know if I even want to try to save it. Her hurtful comments 2 months ago combined with the birthday snub have made me realize she is more of an acquaintance than a friend. The sad thing is, the thought of losing her as a friend isn't that upsetting, which probably means we haven't been friends for awhile. We're just friends b/c we've known each other forever not b/c we honestly care about the other one.
I already feel like a big freak show with 3 miscarriages on my resume, I know I'm the one they whisper about, whispering about what is possibly wrong with me and what did I do to cause this. I feel completely isolated as it is b/c most people are scared to talk to me about it. Most people are too scared to pick up the phone and ask me how I am b/c they are too scared of what has happened to me. I think everyone assumes I want to be left alone and not talk about it. Wrong, I may not answer the phone but a phone call, e-mail, card, etc means the world at the moment. It means someone does care and took the time to tell me. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to do. I understand this is a tough topic but I am extremely open with people about what has happened, I am more than willing to talk about it. Talking about it actually helps. I hate it when people know what has happened, yet keep having completely everyday conversations with me like nothing has happened. It's like the pink elephant in the room that everyone is scared to point out. It makes me feel like I everything I have gone through is completely minor and not worth talking about. But it is worth talking about to me. I have now lost 3 babies. 3!!! This has forever changed me, yet some people expect me to still be the way I used to be. Ugghh, I'm just frustrated right now.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
So much for 3rd times the charm.....
Went for my 4th ultrasound this morning, yes that's right 4th. After 2 previous losses, the powers that be go way out of their way to make you feel as freakish as possible and bring you in constantly for monitoring. 4 ultrasounds at approximately 7.5 weeks pregnant, that's more than most people have all pregnancy. Anyway, 4th ultrasound reconfirmed my fear of the ultrasound machine, they are mean, viscious machines that should be feared, I will probably have nightmares about them tonight. The heartbeat we saw last Friday is gone, it apparently stopped sometime on Friday too. I'm shocked and numb at the moment. I never got excited about this pregnancy, in the back of my mind I was too scared to let it happen, I kept telling myself it would be okay, especially after we saw the heartbeat but I was still scared to get excited. I guess my instincts were right.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
This past time, I was on progesterone supps 3x a day, baby aspirin, PNV and extra folic acid. I can't imagine how much crap I will be on if I should ever get pregnant again. The doctor already mentioned "throwing the kitchen sink" at me next time since all of my RPL testing came back normal, the kitchen sink will most likely now include shots of heparin twice a day - can't wait.
I have to put off my D&C for at least a week, if possible due to past complications with a D&C. The last one I had, I had excessive bleeding and they feared I would hemorrage during surgery(I know I didn't spell that correctly - cut me some slack). As I was talking to the doctor about the previous one, I mentioned they had to put a pack inside me to stop the blood flow and she was that was a sign of possible hemorroage if they pack you. Due to this, I need to wait at least a week in order for the asprin and progesterone to get out of my system since they both thin your blood. So great, I once again get to prolong this miscarriage experience. I don't want to prolong the experience, it's not like a fine wine or fancy meal that I want to savor, I just want it over. In the meantime, they've switched me to a form of progesterone that doesn't thin my blood in an attempt to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible - just freakin' great.
As an added bonus, I was supposed to host a friends baby shower at my house next Saturday night. I've now had to let the other hostesses know that my house is no longer available and that I'm going to have to bail on the shower. I feel awful b/c it's for one of my best friends but I just don't think I can go, it will be too hard. This is also the friend that is referenced in a previous entry, call An Open Letter. I'm still hurt by the words said in the e-mail and this confirmation of m/c #3 just reopened those hurtful words. I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.
Oh well, off to continue my toilet paper inspection duty I've been doing for the past 5 weeks, still checking for blood. The RE really wants to do the D&C so they can send the baby, or tissues, or whatever you call it off for chromosome testing so we can see what exactly caused this miscarriage and get some answers hopefully. On a positive note, the ONLY good news to come out of this is that T has to give a semen sample sometime soon. Finally, an embarassing test for him to go through. That has put a little smile on my face.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)